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Noone fancies me

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Molly1977, Apr 3, 2014.

  1. Molly1977

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    I am stressed and confused. I am 36 but look younger and have always been told that I am a nice person and very good looking. The problem is when I go to lgbt events none of the women i talk to seem to fancy me. I know you can't make people like you but after 20 years of constantly being told I am good looking and being asked out by men I thought it would be easier to meet a woman who fancied me.

    I genuinly don't know what I am doing wrong. I always ask people about themselves I always smile and am polite and friendly and never talk about myself, make sure it all about the person I am talking to. Make them feel special, I am genuinly interested in people but nothing seems to work.

    I am very very lost, confused and completly alone :icon_sad:
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Finding someone is such a game of luck, it seems so improbable when you finally do find someone you click with, but it happens...eventually, usually when least expected.

    Sometimes the least likely place for something to happen is in these venues where fate seems to be forced a little (such as lgbt events). I've also been told I am attractive and I have also had several women approach me in the past, and yet, I go to these lgbt events or what have you and...nothing.

    I shrug it off, I tend to think that most people are shy and find it difficult to approach someone, or they assume you are already attached. The only way, I think, is to keep trying, but with the mindset of having fun, not with the premeditated intention of meeting someone. So go to parties, make platonic lgbt friendships if you can and let people know who you are. Soon enough, I expect, these friendships can lead to introductions or further introductions and...well, fate.
     
  3. Clay

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    I wouldn't let a few knock backs get you down. It doesn't matter how good looking you are, this happens to everyone at some point.

    I wish I could give you more advice but I've been on a grand total of zero dates. Basically don't let it ruin your confidence, it just takes time to meet someone is all. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Molly1977

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    thanks for the help. I'm just finding everything so difficult at the moment. I thought all my problems were down to not being "out" and that when I was open about who I am then all my problems would go away. As that it not happening I'm finding it very confusing and stressful. I know I need to keep going but it doesn't help when I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is start crying.

    Cambridge is so small with very few lgbt events to go to and London is so agressive and focused around alcohol and I have given up drinking so I don't feel able to go to London so much. I get to nervous and distressed I don't really know what I am doing.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    This describes most of us, I suspect...:grin:

    Not knowing, being stuck...As a state of mind, it's actually a Zen ideal! It forces you to take a step back and try to find new ways of looking at something. It may even force you to re-evaluate whether there is a problem here, when it could actually be there.

    Don't sweat it (too much!). Another Zen idea is that nothing is permanent, no "situation" lasts for very long. Simply, from a probabilistic standpoint, going out into the world, engaging in more events, making friendships, going to different places (I hear Manchester has an interesting LGBT scene) will lead to happy "accidents"...this requires yet another Zen ideal: patience.
     
  6. CuteZhemn

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    Maybe u should go with your friends? Probably make yourself feel better and more confident. Those ofc if london aint the place. Is there some other places u could go to? Have weekend trip with friends or something? Internet is good place to find someone. Like im too shy and locked up to meet new people or even go to talk some girls about my interest. :slight_smile: well anyway. You do as u feel. Maybe thought of younger woman?
     
  7. azure au

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    Molly, just be the most authentic you that you can be. There is always an element of chance in romance. Worrying how you come across just adds to the anxiety. I agree with great whale, build up friendships for now and you will meet others through these relationships. I am sorry to hear you are so down. For the record I think you are doing great. I very much admire your willingness to engage with new people and move forward. It will happen in time.
     
  8. Molly1977

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    I was raped when I was 19. It happened in my bedroom at my mum's house so I don't like going hom eto see Mum. That's why it has taken me so long to try to find anyone. I spent a long time drinking too much and staying out all night not wanting to go home. Although I went to rehab when I was 21 it didn't do much good and I continued drinking heavilly until a few years ago.

    It's really only in the last few years when I have tried to find the confidence to do what I have wanted to do. I do feel like I have wasted time but I know I would never have wanted to kiss anyone or have sex with anyone before now.

    I know it will happen one day I'm just feeling a bit down today. I am going on my holiday next week and will try to relax and enjoy being somewhere new. I think being away will help take my mind off things.
     
  9. Skyline

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    I can't claim to be an expert... actually, I've had just as little success in finding someone as you have probably. But one thing you said caught my eye... don't try and focus ONLY on them. They need to learn about you as well, after all. When meeting someone new, try to have a balance between interest in them and interest in yourself. If you tell more about yourself early on, maybe they'll have more reason to fancy you. After all, some people won't be interested on looks alone. Actually I think that's a lot of people.
     
  10. Butterfly72

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    Hi xx Maybe you should talk about yourself a little more whilst out and talking to new people. Eye contact too is great, goes lovely with a smile. What's that saying? ummm yep, when you are not looking that is when you will find it. Relax it will happen one day. It will.... xx
     
    #10 Butterfly72, Apr 3, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2014
  11. GreenMan

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    Hi Molly,

    That really sucks. Sorry to hear that happened you. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) It takes courage to open up about something like that, and can take a long time to process. I'm also a victim of rape, so my heart goes out to you. We're all here to support you and to listen. Take care sweetheart. (*hug*)
     
    #11 GreenMan, Apr 3, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2014
  12. Molly1977

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    Thanks for your help, I'm not sure what is wrong with me at the moment. I have been working a lot and have been very stressed. I now have a week off and am going away next week. I do try to keep moving forward but sometimes I slip back into feeling so negative and down. I keep comparing myself to other people and trying to see why I haven't got as far in my life as others. But I know most people aren't gay and haven't been raped. I just have to focus on looking after myself and not beating myself up all the time.
     
  13. Choirboy

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    Sometimes we forget that the people we are talking to might actually WANT to know something about us. I always did exactly what you do--engage people in conversation, ask them questions, make it about them, etc. It does give people an ego boost and makes them feel comfortable, which in our people-pleasing way, does make us feel good. The only problem is, it means that THEY have nothing to go on about what YOU are like--other than that you are nice and attractive and a good listener. What it doesn't tell them is what YOU are interested in, what makes you quirky or fun, what YOUR personality is like. Remember, the beginning of any relationship (or even just a fun evening) is finding out about each other. As polite and kind as it may be to let the other person do all the talking, they may eventually move on to someone who shares a little more of themselves as part of the conversation.

    Share things that make you laugh, even if you don't know if the other person will be amused. Be positive and do your best to show confidence even when you have none. Things happen at the most unexpected times, with the most unexpected people, and sometimes, we look for them until THEY suddenly find US. And when they finally do, it's beyond belief! Good luck to you.... (*hug*)
     
  14. silverhalo

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    I think others have given good advice but I would also add perhaps you could try and meet people online or I would also say go out with the intention of making friends and work from there. Sometimes when the sole focus of your attention is to meet someone you put pressure on yourself to do so and anything less feels like a failure when you still could have a good time and meet some cool new people.
     
  15. Penpal

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    Molly I was really shocked to hear you were raped. Bless you, that's awful. You are very brave for telling us. I'm not surprised you turned to drink, but it's fantastic you have it under control now.

    I agree with the others. Make friends rather than look for relationships and tell people about yourself. We have talked a lot on here and you are an interesting person with a good heart. Share that with people and you will find someone.

    Big hugs (*hug*)
     
  16. LibraryKitten

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    I'm sorry that happened to you. =/ Know that you're far from alone, and if you ever want to talk about it I want to be here for you. It can be hard to move on with life afterwards, I know that all too well... But try to remember that being a victim of a violent crime like that doesn't have to define and limit you. You are a survivor, you're bound to be stronger than you give yourself credit for. *hugs*

    ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2014 at 06:03 PM ----------

    Also, in response to your original post, try not to put so much pressure on yourself if you don't see that anyone is hitting on you for a while. Other people's sexual interest in you isn't what defines your worth as a human being, despite what modern western culture would have you believe. There will be somebody out there who will see you for who you are and love you, you just need to have patience and keep on keeping on being yourself (and the important thing is that you enjoy yourself while you do that- that's what someone who ultimately cares will see). And as a side note... Honestly, the majority of my anxiety these days comes from when people do hit on me. It's nice to not have to worry about it all the time, no? XD
     
  17. bigeagle

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    Molly,

    Like the others above, I'm very to sorry to hear you were raped. I can't imagine how that has affected you, I'm sure you've had very tough times dealing with it.

    Are you still with your husband?

    What are your plans now?

    Take care x
     
  18. Richie.

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    You know the song... I get knocked down BUT I GET UP AGAIN!!

    don't worry mol your fine just the way you are relationships are over rate imo. But there will be a day when fate rolls in your favour