I am a 32 year old, married, mother of two. My husband and I have been together for almost ten years. Our marriage has been really rocky over the past 3-4 years for multiple reasons, a big one being our sex life, and another reason being that I never felt completely fulfilled or satisfied in the relationship but could never quite put my finger on why. Then, in September of last year, I fell head over heels for one of my coworkers, who is openly lesbian. She and I began having an affair. Suddenly, everything made sense. My lack of sexual desire or attraction to my husband, my lack of an emotional connection to him (especially during sex)....it all added up. And now, I am left more confused than ever. My husband loves me so much and wants nothing more than to make our marriage work. But he has made it very clear to me that he will never be okay with me going outside of the marriage or being intimate with someone else, even if it is a woman. My heart is literally ripped in two. I love my husband very much, and the thought of breaking my family apart makes me absolutely nauseous. But at the same time, the thought of staying in an unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationship makes me so sad. Not to mention that I really don't enjoy sex with my husband at all. She and I are not together, so I wouldn't be leaving my husband "for her" (although I know there is a definite possibility that we would get back together if my husband and I split). I am terrified...absolutely petrified to leave my cozy, secure, heteronormal lifestyle. But I am so discontent and have such a strong desire to be with a woman. I am literally an emotional train wreck right now. Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I'm lost.
Perhaps stop forcing yourself into sex and give your husband a lot of time to think. Maybe over the time he could get used to the idea that the marriage would be open (for both of you).
:hugs: does your husband know you are a lesbian full stop? Or does he just think it was an affair? Do YOU know if you are a lesbian? You need to take time for yourself to figure these things out before he has a chance at understanding and working with you. If you cannot find a compromise with you husband, I don't think you should leave your marriage with the possibility of being with her in your head. If you leave, you need to do it for you and give yourself ample time to be who you are and figure that out thoroughly before you commit to another relationship. I think that this is important for anyone leaving a marriage, and it seems that you are just now coming out to yourself, so I think that is even more important. If she loves you, she will understand that and maybe you will come full circle with her in the end and be in a really good place, or maybe not. I don't have any other advice for you, but lots of empathy. :hugs: ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2014 at 01:41 PM ---------- By the way, my heart was breaking with you when you said that you feel ripped in two and there is no other woman tearing me the other way...it's just me unadulterated and then me in my marriage. I feel like who I am is ripped apart anyway. As for te family unit, I relate more than I want to, it's very difficult to face. I try to remember that mantra, "It gets better."
I think my husband is in a lot of denial. We have been in counseling since October and this past week was the first time we actually discussed my sexuality. I honestly think that he thought if he ignored it, that it would just go away. So yes, he knows that I want to be with women and that I really have no sexual interest in men. It's been extremely hard for him to accept and he is very, very hurt. I think he wants to understand, but he just doesn't. As far as she goes, I would NOT be leaving my marriage "for her". At one time, yes, I definitely considered it.....but I just wasn't ready to call quits on my marriage yet. I felt obligated to my children and my family....even at the sake of my happiness. Do I think that it's possible that we would reconnect eventually? Absolutely. But she is moving 6 hours away, so it's not something that would happen any time soon. I am just now wrapping my head around my own sexuality, and I honestly can't really put a label on myself at the moment. All I know, is that my feelings and desires make so much more sense in the context of me being a lesbian. I just feel so incredibly selfish.
If your sexuality has caused you to seek marriage counselling and it took six months to start talking about it, maybe you need to find a new counsellor.
The affair is what led us to marriage counseling. At the time, my husband didn't care that it was a woman instead of a man. And we were at such a crisis point at that time that we were doing our best to salvage the marriage. And actually, I really like our counselor. She's done a really good job of helping us communicate better and to identify the vicious cycles that we get into. And I have been seeing an individual counselor who has been helping me with the issue of my sexuality.
Don't feel selfish. If you're dissatisfied with your life your children will likely sense it and may blame themselves. Your husband is being selfish.
If you only had a year to live, what would you do with it? live it for you or your husband? That's what I ask to myself. I am now single and feel so free now. A lot of what you have said rings bells to me too. I have now decided to live my life and explore me and who I am (about time too). You could go on like this for another 5 years, thinking the same, living life for your family and feeling unfullfilled and having that rollercoaster of "who am I, what shall I do" Its so hard going through that and not knowing or being brave to act on what you do really feel. Its very brave to end a marriage, but its an exciting new start and a time to explore you. I am here if you would like to talk more. xx
