Hi, so I'm just wondering: how do I get over this crippling regret and self recrimination over a) coming out late and more seriously b) bad decisions made in the throes of coming out? Basically, when I came out to myself in 2012 I made a series of bad decisions in my educational/professional life. Not being aware of being gay before meant I had been very focused and diligent, but not particularly sharp about what career I wanted and how I needed to get there. I really had no clue about how I was perceived by society (effeminate, pinging guy) and I had never thought about the whole kids issue, having assumed I would get straight married and reproduce. I was clueless and immature. During the coming out period, the grief and depression was unbelievable and I made a few mistakes that I now regret. I made them due to apathy and despair. My attitude was, well, if I don't get to be straight, but everyone else does, what's the point in living? What's the point in caring about my life? Death looked appealing. Now, of course, I'm much happier being gay but I wish I could go back and tell that f**ked up kid that he should get over himself, take a few days to accept being gay and move the hell on. Even more, I wish I had come out at 16. It would have been hard, but better than this.
Coming out is never easy and never too late. Also you don't know what'll happen tomorrow. You'll experience it tomorrow and you will act in the best way you try to. Every action has a reason. You had a reason that time. Now it changed but you can't turn back time. Maybe you have to understand your resaons then and accept it. Hope that helps if not...sorry
EDIT: I should say that I realise that a lot of people have come out much later than me. But it's much more excusable, to oneself and others, when one grew up in the sixties, seventies etc. than it is for me. I also felt my self-realisation came at a particularly inconvenient time. Thanks for the helpful words CharlsOn . But, hell, being gay is so damn hard it not infrequently brings tears to my eyes.
Hey YN, Between the ages of 18 and 25, I had a period of time that older generations used to call a man's youth "salad days". This expression comes from the idea that when a man is young he's "green" and "greens" go into making a "salad". To stretch this expression to the breaking point, one can also say that salads are a rather mixed-up affair with all sorts of ingredients just jumbled about randomly. My "salad days" consisted of working in the far north, going to theatre school for a year, becoming a draftsman, working in refineries and paper mills, a false start at university and then travelling through Europe and Israel. I finally settled on starting my degree in chemistry at the tender age of 25 (I found it amusing that my classmates all thought I was rather old). I don't regret any of it. It is part of who I am, and each thing I did seemed like a good idea at the time. Travel especially, I'm glad I did when I was young, it was a kind of freedom I would never again enjoy so completely. What we do in our lives composes a complete picture, a tapestry if you will. You are 24, and you did what you had to do and made your decisions as you were. You are so young still, compose your life as you see fit today, have goals, but don't be a slave to them; the world keeps changing anyway, faster than ever. It's almost impossible to predict what life will be like even five years from now...
Don't beat yourself up about not coming out earlier, everyone has to do it on their own time. Even 10 years ago the prospect of coming out seemed pretty bleak, at least from an American perspective. A lot has improved over a decade, fortunately. Greatwhale, I've never heard of salad days before, but I couldn't help laugh a little to myself while reading the description!
YaraNunchuck, You really sound like you're carrying a lot shame. So maybe the question to ask is, "How am I going to move past that?" Coming out in your 20s is not late at all. Although there is data to show that the average age of coming out is closer to 15 or 16, those sorts of statistics can be misleading. The people answering those questions are comfortable enough to disclose their sexual orientation in a survey. If I got a survey in the mail, via the internet, or by phone, I'd be really skeptical and concerned about how to answer it. There are stories of people coming out before puberty, announcing that they are transgender before they're even 12 or 13. In some ways that's impressive; in others, it's baffling. In other words, it is impossible to say what the "norm" is. There is no one right way to come out. There is no timetable. And it is quite easy to hurt others, even if it's just by telling the truth. I still feel guilty about how I upset my parents and how I broke the hearts of some women. But I try not to focus on that guilt. It is especially imperative that you work on living in the present. Who am I, YaraNunchuck, now? What can I do now to make my life feel more comfortable and meaningful?
I'm in a similar situation, spent the last decade or so living a life that wasn't really me at all. Was studious and worked hard to get into a good job (mainly to attract a wife and live the dream... didn't think I'd get one otherwise.. was going to 'buy' one :eusa_doh I've been watching Nirvana's greatest hits tonight and it is reminding me of what it felt like to really feel. Kurt knew how to let it all out real honesty and purity, amazing. I feel like Kurt frankly.. dispossessed/angsty... maybe when I was a teenager I just buried it all, who knows? They were talking about teenagers not knowing their place in the world and relating to Nirvana as a result.. I don't know my place in the world only I'm not a teenager. Of course the person I am is maybe not the person that I have spent so long trying to be. I've made some bad decisions in the last few months like you, particularly when drunk, alot of mental walls are starting to crumble and frankly I don't even know who I am anymore or what I want. I grabbed some guys hand in a club drunk a few weeks ago think a friend saw me and frankly I've been pretty embarassed about the whole thing it didn't get a good reaction and I don't want to be that guy. Maybe I'll lose that friend over it, maybe he thinks I'm not someone he wants to be around anymore, I've known him a long time? Who knows? Life moves on... Maybe it's a good thing maybe I've become completely desensitized and don't know who to let lose and to hell what happens. Maybe I've been living in a cage too long and the sun is blinding I want to go back... Ended up with the thought 'You can't try and please everyone', that is what I have been doing for most of my life 'trying to please everyone' which isn't possible and you spread yourself so thin that and I have so many learned defense mechanisms in place. I've felt shame my whole life, always hated myself. Everyone else seemed to I wasn't right so I made myself right. What is under 'being right'? Who the hell knows? This is a very difficult time for both of us.. I'm six months in now and the wide ranging consequences are only starting to settle in. Like you I have alot of 'what ifs', should have dealt with this at 16 but I didn't... I console myself with the thought that it doesn't really matter and that your internal mental attitude is important. Some days I couldn't care less and life is great, other days I want to fall into a hole in the ground. Nothing external has changed just my perspective....
I agree with great whale. Our youth may be constructive in ways we don't see at the time. I hope in time you will find what it has added to your wisdom, because I am sure that it has.
By making this post, you have gone back in time. It makes me feel better, when I've screwed something up, rather than beating myself up over it I vow to do better with my next endeavour.
Yaranunchuk and Lookingforsome, I really feel for you guys; you are both undergoing the struggle I didn't have the guts to undertake when I was your age. As people-pleaser "numero uno", I followed the script as best I could...until I couldn't anymore. It's so important to realize not that you have not lost anything...you never had it to begin with! It's loss of illusion that's troubling you. You're stepping off the S.S. Normal, and that's a shocking thing! After reading a considerable number of posts on this site in the past year, I've noticed there are two patterns to self-acceptance . One type is "epiphany", a sudden realization, happening somewhere in a flash (on a bus, in bed at night, etc....usually when the mind is allowed to wander). The nature of that epiphany usually involves some image of oneself in a relationship and there is a strong emotional component to that event. Others get to it gradually, after a long thinking process, and then it is almost as if one accepts one's orientation after collapsing from the exhaustion of the process. I think you both are doing this to exhaustion, but you both see the endpoint anyway. It's a fight to retain that old conception of yourselves as straight which is the exhausting part, it's something that your egos are not willing to give up without a fight. Letting go means telling the ego to take a hike, which is not easy. One thing for certain: it does not mean replacing your idea of "self" (the ego self) with a pre-conceived idea of "gay". The hard part is figuring out how your orientation will define who you are without falling into stereotypes. We're here for you during this difficult time, so keep us posted!
Hi YaraNunchuck, This may be hard to believe, but you are STILL young! lol Maybe it just seems obvious to me, but you have plenty of time to adjust your course. There are still plenty of wonderful people to meet and some of them will love you. And of course you can get married and have kids. The world is your oyster. Let the past go; forgive yourself of past mistakes. Don't let the past crowd out the present moment. You have plenty of time to have a wonderful life.
Thanks everyone: you've all been mega helpful. I find really comforting azure au's line that 'Our youth may be constructive in ways we don't see at the time'. I hope this is true. It rings true. I love your 'salad days' idea, greatwhale. I think I'm going to use the term from now on. You did a lot of exciting things in youth! I actually feel your whole post brightened my spirits, 'cause I can see myself being a green mixed up salad, so to speak. But it's an optimistic simile. Loss of illusion is a great description. Do any of you guys remember the Matrix? Well, in the film, there's a well known scene where Neo wakes up in the real world, connected to wires and enclosed in a sac of gel. He has to punch though the sac and unplug himself. He quickly realises for the first time that his 'real body' is emaciated and he has no hair. That's what I felt coming to myself was like. It was seeing myself for the first time. Straight cis guys have a pretty consistent sense of self at 7,14,20,25... whether 'straight masculine heterosexuality' is prospectively embraced (as with kids) or lived (as with adults) there is never any doubt, never any discontinuity. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I was probably repressing. I have had to recognise myself fully - for the very first time. That's hard. Planning for the future, career decisions etc. - can they be made well by people who are ignorant of even themselves? I don't think so.
