I am not sure that posting this will solve anything. I am hoping that maybe writing this will bring me clarity. I am hoping that someone out there has some words that will guide me. Ten years ago, I married a caring, nice man, a man who could provide for me economically. I assumed or hoped, not quite sure which one, that I was bisexual. But I wasn’t. My marriage had ups and devastating lows. Throughout, I dealt with repeated attractions to women. Most of them were unattainable and presented no threat to my marriage. Until I met Hannah a year ago. We worked together, and I didn’t try very hard to resist her. Before long, we were in bed together. What I assumed was going to be an encounter that would be repeated a handful of times, turned into a full-blown affair. We fit. We got along. And, we had chemistry that escapes all explanation. Every time I kissed her, it was like the first time. Even after six months, we wanted more of each other every time. Outside of the bedroom, we admired each other, each one thinking the other one was perfect, despite our flaws. At some point, we made the mistake of falling in love. But there was plenty of pain. Four months ago, Hannah married her wife. Then she was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 30. In the midst of it all, I asked my husband for a divorce. I started the process of coming out. And, I changed jobs, to save my professional reputation, fearing that Hannah’s and my coworkers were becoming suspicious. In the meantime, I was having a difficult time dating a married woman with a serious illness and was demanding more of her time than she could give me. Although Hannah claimed she wanted to leave her wife, it wasn’t happening; we agreed I would date other people. I met a fantastic woman, Leigh, who was perfect for me. We shared the same interests, had the same sense of humor. Leigh is sweet, caring, smart. And everything was going well, until we had sex. It was terrible. There was no chemistry. I knew perfectly well we had no chemistry from the first time we kissed, but I kept forcing it, hoping something would change. I ended it with Leigh today. To say that it has been devastating is an understatement. I am ashamed of the betrayal and the lies. Hannah and I have both made half-hearted attempts to end this, attempts that have been emotionally draining. Hannah ended it again yesterday. And, I cannot do this again. I cannot continue the affair, and I cannot have her ask me to return to her, only to have her end it again. She asked me to stay in her life, as a friend. But I am not strong enough to go from being madly in love with someone, wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, to being just friends overnight. Of course, I feel selfish that I am abandoning when her radiation therapy is about to start, even though I know she has wife to support her. Last night, I was without hope and inconsolable. My still-husband, who asked me several times earlier this week to reconsider the divorce, called. And, I begged him to take me back. Because I was scared. Because I am terrified to be alone. Because my parents are dead. Because I have no siblings. Because I have no family nearby. Because I am afraid I won’t make it financially. The only thing he said over and over is that has was concerned I was asking him to come back because I am afraid. And, I lied and said fear had nothing to do with it. He immediately broke up with the woman he had been dating for a couple of months and agreed to get back together. And, this of course, has made everything worse. I know deep down who I really am. I love my husband, as a friend, as a person who has been part of my life for 14 years. I want to be with a woman. I want to be with Hannah. I am just too afraid, too damn afraid, to do what I need to do to make it happen. I feel so lost and selfish right now. I feel I have caused irreparable ruin to my life and those of people around me. In 24 hours I have left a wide swath of destruction. Refusing to be Hannah’s friend when she needs me. Breaking Leigh’s heart. Lying to my husband and leading him to believe I want to give our marriage a real shot. Now I have to face friends and family who I came out to and tell them I have changed my mind, when I haven’t. I don’t know what to do. I know in the end I will survive this. But right now it doesn’t feel this way. I have never wanted to will myself to be straight. But right now I do. I want to stay in my stable, secure life. I want to forget Hannah. I want to sleep. I want someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay.
I'm so sorry. Your story is very, very similar to my story.....with the exception being I haven't gotten the courage to leave my husband yet. Yes, I am still very much in love with my ex, but I know that a relationship with her is completely out of the question until I am divorced (she is single). However, she is moving 6 hours away next week....which just further compounds my grief. I really wish I had some good advice for you, but I have all of the same fears that you have. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't stay with my husband out of fear or simply because of my children....and that I need to be happy with myself. But it just feels so selfish and I don't know that I could live with the guilt. If you ever need an ear to listen, hit me up. ((hug))
Wow Vivi3, I feel your pain. Read what I have to say, take what you want and leave the rest. First of all, you need to take a couple of days, get some really good sleep, and don't make any major decisions until you feel better. Do you have one really good, safe old friend you can allow to be your "soft place to fall" while you regroup? If so, call her (or him) and tell her she is doing you a solid and you will pay her back sometime. Turn off the all the phones, order delivery, or ask your friend to bring you some groceries, stay in your comfort zone. Please disavow yourself of the belief that you are a Destroyer of lives. That is a lie. You are scared and confused, and you made some impulsive choices. You are allowed to make mistakes. Next, if it was me... here's what I'd do: Call your husband. Tell him you have been confused and under a great deal of stress and that you do not want to get back together. Offer to see a couples counselor who specializes in navigating a breakup or divorce with mutual respect and dignity. They are out there. Even if you husband doesn't want to join you, please consider seeing a therapist who specializes in women who are in your position. They are out there - I am seeing a therapist who is skilled in working with late-bloomer lesbians like myself, and her wife runs a support group for married (to men) women who discover they are attracted to women. One of our group members just "graduated" after 3 pain-staking years of navigating this transition. And she did it successfully! Everyone is happy, more or less - her ex-husband, her ex-mother-in-law, her 3 kids, her, and her girlfriend with whom she will be living in another state. But... it didn't happen overnight; it took time, rest, lots of support, and being honest and patient with herself and all involved. Okay, next. After you've rested, told your husband the truth (you can do it! I know you can), I would say you need to consider this: why did this woman Hannah, with whom you say you had so much chemistry, marry someone else after being with you for 6 months? I think this is a question you deserve to get an answer to. Please know this: you have both made mistakes, you've both been less than honest. It's not all your responsibility. This is a question you can explore with your therapist. Perhaps Hannah can join you in one of your sessions, it that seems right. I don't know what the answer to that question is. I hope she will be honest with you. As for Leigh, you did her a kindness by breaking up with her. Believe me. I knew the first time I kissed my husband that there was no physical chemistry, but I was lonely and afraid of being alone (sound familiar?) so I went ahead anyway and hoped it would get better. It didn't. We even went to Kissing School. IMO, you either have this type of chemistry with someone or you don't. It's not her fault, and it's not your fault. It just is the way it is. As for loneliness, I'm not gonna lie. It's a bitch. I left my husband without having someone waiting in the wings. My parents are dead and I'm not close with my brothers who live thousands of miles away. I don't even have children to keep me company or give me solace. I am now responsible for my own financial well being, present and future. I have been attracted to - and been rejected by - 4 women in the past 5 years. And I have rejected my share of bad fits myself. All I can say is, I feel more myself than ever, my choices and my actions and my goals are in line with who I really am inside. I am congruent. Congruence. There is a lot to be said for that. Loving someone is a risk. It takes courage. It hurts. Even if they love you back. There is no perfect love. Life is painful. Love is too. The question is: do you think it's worth the risk? Are you willing to risk it all to live a life that is true to yourself. With or without Hannah? Finally, remember to forgive yourself. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. Take your time. Be silent and still. Listen to the truth that is inside of you. There is a part of you that knows that it knows what you need. Follow that awareness. It's going to be okay. You are going to be alright. (*hug*)
sleepyT: Sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you all the best. I hope you will pursue a path that makes you happy. As for your kids, if you handle it correctly, they will adjust. And, in the long term, they will be better off knowing you were happy. For what it's worth, my mother refused to date or remarry after her divorce, thinking that bringing into my life a man who was not my father would be detrimental to me. Over the years, I have been the one consumed with guilt, knowing that my mom kept herself from being happy for my sake. It is different than your situation. But, it is true that if you are happy, that is likely to be better for your kids as well. Hugs and good luck. ---------- Post added 6th Apr 2014 at 09:47 PM ---------- anaisninja: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Your words were very kind and helpful. Today, I took your advice and found a local support group for women leaving marriages to men. I did not know these existed! Thank you for letting me know about this resource. I have found myself reading your message several times today, and it has been a source of strength. I am more confident right now. And you are right, it is better to live in a way that is line with who I really am. Thanks!
