Depressive crash

Ugh, I feel your pain - as I'm curled up on the couch, cuddling with my ipad, watching sappy gay movies...

I feel the depression hit like a tidal wave, and there's nothing I can do once it starts. But, I try to prevent it. My therapist recommends meds, but I'm apprehensive so we've made a deal that if I'm consistent with working out (running, hiking, weights or whatever I like) she'll lay off. So far it's working. I've been outside a lot and it has a miraculous transformative effect on my head.

I've also started reading Lissa Rankin's "Mind over Medicine." It'd been very enlightening that my depression may not be chronic.

Point is, that a little pre-emptive action can make a difference. I'm sure you already know that the shoulda, woulda, coulda does no good.

Hang in there. A lot of us are in the same boat.

 

BMC77,

I know this sounds cynical, but it's important to recognize that those 20 years younger than us are not necessarily happier. And don't get suckered in by the veneer of the happy couple.

I remember being immensely jealous of this gay couple that lived near me. I was under the impression that their lives were ideal. They always seemed kind, cute, and happily walking their dog.

Then I became one of those couples. It seemed like everyone wanted to be around us (and our dog.) But our relationship was disastrous, and we weren't happy. So maybe you were seeing couples like us (after all, I live in Western Washington).

It sounds like we're in similar circumstances. I matter a lot to many people at work. But the second I get home, I matter to my dog and nobody else.

It is starting to get brighter outside. I hope that the late spring and summer will bring more people out of their shells and enhance my meager social life. I wish you the same.

 

Do you have depression or are you just dissatisfied with your current routine?

 

For the past few weeks, I feel like the weather behaves -- one minute sunny and warm, the next minute dark, blustery, and cold. It's tumultuous.

I had a similar Saturday experience to you, BMC77: grocery shopping, trip to library, walk downtown. "Everyone else" I saw was connected and happy. I know this isn't true, but the brain is cruel in its sweeping generalizations. It's been a struggle to moderate my delusions about how much better everyone else's lives are and not drown in my own pity party. (Even Grumpy Cat thinks I'm being negative...)

One thing I've noticed is that I've allowed work to co-opt too much of my life. It's not that I spend too many hours at work (although I kinda do), but I continue thinking about work even when I'm home. If all I do is work and think about work, then of course I'll have no capacity to enjoy non-work life. There will be no room to selfishly take care of me -- something I've put off doing most of my life in order to please others.

So, I continue my journey to worry less about what others think, work less to please others, and focus more on leading an authentic life that will permit me more satisfaction and vitality*. It's a bumpy ride, and some days it's really hard to just relax and enjoy the scenery. Silencing my inner critic takes much effort, but I also feel much better when I do.

Hang in there! Embrace the sunshine and spring flowers -- take care of yourself when it's blustery and cold. (Said as much for me as you ... and for others too.)

*"The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality..." --Andrew Solomon, TED Talk about depression

==========

By the way, "talking" about these things here (rather than keeping them bottled inside my head) always makes me feel a little to a lot better. It's always helpful to know I'm not alone, and comforting to hear the wisdom and insights of others. (*hug*)

 

Hope you're having a sunnier day BMC77.

 

I don't understand

You'd think I'd have a clear head after just getting back from a long walk. Spring is here; it's hard to believe winter was so long and cold.

 

Hi BMC77,

I hope that you start feeling better! Through my experiences with depression I have found that it is a spiral of self-fulfilment, as in when we are depressed we naturally have low self esteem, which in turn means that we "put ourselves down" (such as the way you did when you saw the young man in the supermarket) or read negatively into everything around us - like the couples in the video store or the emails that you received. And it becomes a bit of a self-propagating downward spiral - as our self esteem drops even lower we become harsher on ourselves, our depression increases and so on and so on.

The only thing we can do is think about how we can change this - what do we have control over? At the end of the day we cannot control a lot of these things - we can't control whether people invite us to events, we cannot control whether or not someone wants to be in a relationship with us, we cannot control what others think about us. The only thing we can control is how we decide to face the world, what mindset we decide to adopt. And if we face the world in a positive way, and we try to build ourselves up instead of putting ourselves down, I think it gets better.

I know it is a very complex thing, and it is something that I struggle with too - but I hope this helps.

 

Hey BMC,

I hope you know that all of us who've had the privilege of enjoying your posts in the past year are rooting for you to get better soon! I wish you only the best that life has to offer, take care of yourself, your friends here are counting on you!

I offer you here a Jewish blessing: refu'ah sh'lema (may you have a complete recovery)!

 

I am riding such a wave at the moment. I feel your pain. And it hurts to see other "happy" couples and people and then it makes one wonder what went wrong where and is there an outcome.

 

My life's a bit like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes it's hard to get going again when I run out of momentum.

 

I know what you mean about being out and seeing all the happy people and guys you'd like to cuddle with on the couch (or bed) but will never happen. Your post made me realize that's a big part of why I hate doing those errands. Thanks for the insight. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I'm in the same boat. The best I can come up with is keep your eyes down, get your business done and get back home. The less you see the better. Others will have good advice which neither you nor I will likely be able to follow for very long, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I guess it's a misery likes company sort of thing. Maybe knowing there are others like you will provide some solace. At least you know you're not the only one. Take care

 

Hope you have a better day tomorrow BMC!

I currently weathering a depression storm myself. It was so sunny the past few days and I hardly saw it. My friend commented on it today and I was, "Oh, yeah it was sunny, wasn't it?"

It can be very difficult to stop comparing yourself to others or how you perceive others lives. I fight this constantly myself. It can really bring down your self esteem to zero. I don't have much advice to give, but I do agree with Casper's wise words.

As many have said before me in this post, you have many friends here that are looking out for you!

 

Wow! I read these and see so much of myself right now. The roller coaster ride that I'm on is NO fun right now. I know what's causing my problems and medication would help with the mood swings, but the problems would still be there. Winter is not a good time for me anyway and the Midwestern weather has been...pardon my pun here...extremely bi-polar this year.

Found myself staring at the cursor on my computer for half an hour and had washed the same load of laundry TWICE.

This week has been better and the mood swings haven't been as unbearable. Hopefully the improved weather (and a little time with my guy) will help me!

---------- Post added 10th Apr 2014 at 01:35 PM ----------

That should have said ONE DAY LAST WEEK, I found myself....

 

So, I take it the roller coaster ride of happiness and depression for an unknown reasons is common among gay/bi sexual men? I am just now fully coming to terms with the fact that I'm bi-sexual. Many of your stories sound like mine. My depression is somewhere in the middle i'd say but always due to an unknown emptiness.

 

According to studies, depression rates tend to be higher in GLBT persons. There could be many reasons, but I personally feel that a lot of it stems from us having or having had to hide our true selves from others.

I do my best not to give in to my depression but it wins out at times. When I feel at my lowest points, I tend to isolate myself from others and that doesn't help. This is something that I am working on. I have had to learn that isolation is not the key to recovery from a depressive state. While it may be easier than 'wearing my mask' and telling everyone that I'm 'fine', it does make me feel worse. So I go for long walks instead and listen to music. I call a friend and go for coffee. Or just do something random and that usually helps me through the dark moments.

Hang in there and reach out when you need to.