I am so fearful of showing that I care about anyone, even just for their friendship, that I end up playing it like everything is cool, meanwhile I am terribly lonely. Making new friends with direct honesty isn't something I really even consider. I constantly retreat back to a guarded position. At the same time, I so went to be friendly and free. When I show my enthusiasm, it feels wickedly good, and I know that I shine through in these rare moments. But I guard it all day long, barely ever letting this come through. I feel so absent from people's lives. My friends. My family that lives far away. I keep trying to be in control and do everything myself. Being available for others feels good, but I have to do it as this actor most of the time, so I don't do things that are positive naturally. They are a stretch that I have to create with my mind. I need to let go, but I feel like I need a super safe place to do it. My work doesn't feel safe, and that is where I spend most of my time. With my friends doesn't feel safe, for the most part, although I have tried. Im sad because I am not being a good person alot of the time. I am so friggin guarded. I am not available or honest. I am either half numb or end up caught up in my old bullshit as I try to find ways out into the real world. It's like I need practice being a gay man amongst other gay men. I wish for a community of people that are not looking down on me as I develop so lately, or giving me advice, but are learning with me. I know that I can get that here, to some extent, but I need more. This forum can be a place of hiding for me as well. I want so badly to have a friendship that feels real and honest. I used to be able to do that a long time ago. I am so picky and often avoid situations when they arise. It feels like until I can come out of this closet, I will have sycophantic relationships that make me feel bad about myself. I really have become a person who doesn't give much to others, but is always looking to get more. I don't think that I trust myself or my nature. Thanks for listening to me unload a little...
You remind me of myself. I guess it's cause I'm fearful I might leak out my little secret. I don't know. You in the other hand are slightly different. Anyway just be who you are. If you think it's becoming something bad, try to change yourself slowly. It is not something easy but as long as you persevere, you can change I am on that road as well( kinda) so I do know how you feel. Well if you ever need a friend everyone here is how about let's be friends
It may sound absurd for you to hear me saying "I understand" because the line is often misused by a lot of people who don't care at all (I know you'll be thinking of that)... Nevertheless, I would still say it... I do understand because I have been self-centered and selfish as well, maybe not exactly the same way as you did, but I have been, and I think almost all of us had been at some point or another... Anyway, I could tell that by the way you described it, is that it's your defense mechanism because you are having a hard time to trust people or rather you cannot tell whom you can trust or not... Well in anyway, you can try contemplating and weighing things that matter most to you. From there you will be able to decide which way to go. There maybe a lot of things to say... but it would be better to hear things from you as to why and what made you put up that kind of wall... We all have our own story to tell and reasons behind and beyond our actions, so I don't judge people.... Everybody is fighting their own battle, you have to understand that as well... Anyway, if you feel like talking, we're always here for you... Cheers!!! =)
I *so* identify with StellarJ1's post. Always feeling guarded, wishing I could be more friendly and free but not quite knowing how. I feel safer and freer in gay environments, but still self-conscious as I don't have that "A-list" image. And as soon as I begin to trust in life or get enthusiastic about something, then life comes along and slaps me down hard. I'll be following this thread with interest, in hopes that I'll learn how to get out of this frustrating situation...
You know, I find my sexuality doesn't impact how I interact with most people because most people don't really bring up who everyone's dating and such right away anyway. It just depends on where you live. I live in an area of the US that is very open to gays...once in a while I'll come across a homophobe (the new intern at work who is interning UNDER MY COMMAND). But most of the time when I get close enough to people that the topic of dating comes up, I'll tell them I'm happily engaged and that's enough. Every once in a while it'll crop up that no, it's not a girl, it's a guy, but most people just go, "Oh. Well congrats!"
I also live in area that is very open-minded, Theron. I know that I am making this much harder than it has to be. It would be so helpful to go away on one of those retreats where gay men try to get comfortable with their sexuality. A non-sexual environment to connect with other men in a setting that is away from regular life. If they weren't so expensive, I would seek one out. I think that it would be an incredibly supportive experience. Anybody familiar with those?
