Since seeing a Counsellor first time last week about struggling with my sexuality over these past 4 years I feel quite numb in my feelings,Once my name was called up from the waiting list a I started to freak out It was as if my mind was trying to repress all these feelings I have been feeling over the 4 years then I started to question do I really need to see someone? I think if I try hard enough I can forget about all this questioning I had been thinking.The fact that I was about to see someone really started freaking me out but once I spoke to the counsellor it felt relieved.I have an appointment in a weeks time and this past week has been so up and down emotionally for me some days I will sit and ponder about life what will I do I'm a mother of two small children and in a longterm relationship with their dad so it's been quite a hard time dealing with it all.Then other days I think if I just try harder i can move on with life being hetro.I ponder some more about if I start focusing more on what I have now in life my kids more get into a career I would like join sports I could be content in life but then there's that little voice saying do you really think thats going to work while your mind is stuck in questioning mode? Part of me feels like maybe I just overthink too much so what I find women attractive and lost my wanting feeling to make love with my partner maybe once I start focusing on other things like really pushing myself I won't feel the way I feel? Has anyone had this happened while seeking counselling or figuring stuff out? Does it sound like I'm subconsciously trying to repress or does it sound like I can move on from it all? Feeling stuck in constant thoughts.
Hello, I understand that it is extremely difficult to deal with your feeling when seeing a counsellor and I don't have answers for you with this but I understand the part you are saying where you want to focus on other things. I have spent the past 14 years working, travelling doing things that were good but were very much a way of not thinking about relationships. While there is nothing wrong in doing interesting things people on this site have made me realise that I have been using all these activities to ignore how I feel about women and wanting sex and a relationship. You can ignore your feeling for a bit, focus on your children, career etc and these are all good things to focus on but a few ears down the line you will be back to fancying women and again questioning what you want from a relationship. You could try exploring how you feel about women and try to find some answers for yourself. It is ok to make different decisions for your life. Molly x
I'd say that it's some kind of a coping mechanism. You are trying to focus on thousands of other things so you won't need to deal with it. But you know what? You can try not to think about having a toothache and distract yourself with other activities but you'll need to go to a dentist eventually. When I was questioning, I was thinking about my sexuality 24/7 at first, later I became really depressed and emotionally drained. I felt like I can't deal with that shit anymore and decided not to think about it. I started avoiding the sexuality topic like the plague, I stopped reading lesbian smut, I didn't go on EC and tried to focus on other things. One month later I had really bad sex with my boyfriend, everything was wrong. I was thinking what the hell was I doing? I couldn't stand him touching me down there and wished the sex was over. That day I realized that hiding myself from it won't help anything. I'm still not out to the world but I think I've been making progress. One step at a time is my motto.:icon_wink
Oh hon I so feel your anguish. I'm going through a lot of the same turmoil. Sometimes I just want to move on with things and not worry about my orientation... I just want to hope that it works itself out, then again I am feeling all sorts of new things. It gets so confusing and upsetting. For me working with someone that I am attracted to ... I'm forced to confront it every single day. IDK. I really think you should focus on this. Until you are settled in your own mind you'll never be able to "go on as a hetero" as much as you probably have always done so thus far. You've been awakened and its important that you explore it. (*hug*)
