I apologise in advance for this rant my heads all over the place and I need to get this out.Over past 3 years I have been going online to talk to women lesbians specifically.Its like I'm drawn in I crave an emotional connection the first year it was just casual chatting then as time got on it was like a drug I would go online flirt with a woman or two that I'd feel connected with and basically I would pretend to be this gay single woman but in reality I'm just a closeted lesbian maybe..As time went on I started to feel very guilty about it all so I stopped and then came the questioning and the noticing of women was way more stronger then I've ever experienced.I have known since I was 17 I was attracted to women but assumed I was bi but now I feel really stuck in my feelings and questioning is this really me? Too make things worse I'm a mum and in a longterm hetro relationship.He knows I'm attracted to women and dismisses any feelings I have we both try and pretend where happy but where not his a good dad but we don't connect with each other I know he doesn't like me for who I am bi or lesbian caring or kind.I often wonder why his with me I think it's because he wants things to be normal for the kids as I do too but I don't know if I'm inlove with him I love hi. And feel very attached but maybe it's just that.I haven't been chatting online for a while now but can't get back to the person I once was.How can something like this make me re look at my whole life and who I am.I saw a counsellor last week and will be going back next week,Since that first appointment I feel like I left myself there I feel as if everything I expressed is disappearing I don't know if I'm trying to repress everything that I've been struggling with in myself or maybe I'm not gay and think I am.Ive been googling hocd and I don't fit into it but I can't figure out why I'm starting to feel really numb to all this it's like I've fallen in a black hole of depression and I can't be bothered with opening up anymore it's like a Merry go round up down I have days where I say yup I'm gay then other days I think no you just need to distract yourself with something like a hobby.It was hard to push myself to write here but thought if I don't I'm going to explode.
Sometimes I feel the same way. This need for writing. I think you are pushing yourself too hard to find a solution. Sometimes it's only time that can tell. Sounds hard to wait but sometimes you can't do anything. I struggled years to label myself 'cause I thought I have to. Then I realised 'you have to give yourself the time you need, no matter how long, to know how you really are and finally accept yourself'. It's hard but it's worth it. So don't give up!
I cast I Ching to get advice about your situation. (Please, bear in mind that I'm not a pro.) I got an answer that is speaking about a situation when "one falls into a pit/abyss". It corresponds with what you said - "it's like I've fallen in a black hole of depression". Even though it speaks about falling into a pit, the reading is actually not unfortunate because even though everything looks black and appears like there's no way out, there will be an unexpected turn of events and help will arrive if you recognize it. (Literally it speaks about three uninvited visitors that one should accept graciously.) As CharlsOn above said, "sometimes it's only time that can tell. Sounds hard to wait but sometimes you can't do anything." One must wait patiently, trusting that when the time is ripe everything will work out as it is meant to. You can try to use this period creatively, take care of yourself, physically and emotionally, build up your strength and energy, cultivate a good positive attitude and appreciate all that is good in your life. In other words, whatever is going to happen is going to happen, so better not to worry about the future, focus on living in the here and now. :icon_wink
I think what you're going through is quite normal. When we start to think about this issue consciously, we open a kind of Pandora's Box. You've lived your life with this pushed to the back of your mind, and now you've brought it to the front of your mind - and it is a very big deal. So you're in that place between realities - your old life and the new one that you need to figure out. Someone else here quoted Winston Churchill - "If you're going through Hell, keep going." It makes sense. Go back to your counsellor. Talk about this. Come to terms with your relationship, your orientation, your role as a mother, etc.
