I posted my story a few days ago. (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/131588-i-feel-i-ruined-my-life.html) Basically, I am coming out as a lesbian after 10 years of marriage to a man. Things really unraveled this past weekend. And, in a moment of panic, I made the mistake of telling my husband I wanted to give it another shot. I spoke to him afterwards and told him I didn't think getting back together would work. But, he said that I shouldn't focus so much on the sex part; that after all sex wanes after several years of marriage anyway. Now, he is insisting that we go to couples' counseling. He even set up an appointment for next week, after years of resisting couples' counseling. He is insisting that we give this a shot until June. And I am so confused. At the advice of another EC member, I set up an appointment with a local LGBT clinic that works with lesbians coming out of marriages to men. I am seeing a counselor tomorrow, for an initial assessment before joining a group being formed. But I am torn about my marriage to my husband. I am 39 after all. Maybe there is no point in trying to be sexually fulfilled. After all, he is a good friend. I trust him. And, with him I am financially secure, which is a big deal to me. I know there is a lot to be said for living at peace with who I am. But, that could come at such a big cost. And, I am terrified. I know stories abound of gays and lesbians who are happy they left their hetero marriages. But, is there anyone out there with a tale of caution? Anyone who would advise me against leaving my marriage to a man?
Hi! I just told my husband about my attraction to women and that I had gay experiences many years ago. He is devastated and I feel I've ruined his life....but after trying to live straight for many unhappy years it is finally time to be true to myself. I am way past trying to make the marriage work and need to move forward!
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend on and off since I was 19, but I met him when I was only 15. So, he means a lot to me, however, during our 'off' time I would date women, which made me realize that I prefer to be with a woman. My boyfriend knows how I feel about women and well, he wants me to be happy, but it's so hard letting go. I think it's great that you've made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in LGBT issues. I'm sure after your appointment, you will have a clearer picture on things and how you wish to proceed with things in your marriage. Honestly, I think it is unfair to him to give him false hope by meeting with a couples counselor, but if you think it's a good idea then go for it. This counselor may be able to help put things into perspective for him especially, since I think you already know where things are headed. I wish you well (*hug*)
I agree with pinklov2ly, the couples counseling may actually work to your advantage: to help him see more clearly what the issues are and what his fears and hopes may be or become.
Do you need to make the decision soon? If not, what about giving it a couple of months and then deciding how you feel about leaving?
My husband booked a couples counsellor session for us. We didn't get to it because we had a big argument on the way. I do go to a Lgbt counsellor though and that has helped me massively. At first I went with the view of saving my marriage but for many reasons our marriage is now over. I am also 39 and have been married for almost 11 years so this isn't a decision I have taken likely. I would say go to the counselling if you feel you can. I was beyond that. Then see what comes out if it. I don't know who if anyone I will end up with but I know I can't stay with my husband even though we are friends and I love him. Unfortunately the break up has proven difficult because we are fighting over custody of the children. Have you got children? Feel free to message me if you want to chat. We have a similar story. X
The big difference is we don't have kids, the small difference is I came out trans. What I can't do is offer the kind of perspective you are asking for. I'm not saying it's everyone, but her and I are definitely happier as close friends able to see other people. What I can say is that deciding to stay with him, and breaking off the marriage, are both choices. They both have their own consequences. Neither one is a "safe" option or even the "right" thing to do. They will both help and hurt both of you. I'm saying this because I know staying with him feels like the "safe" or "default" option. There isn't one of those. If you stay with him, you really have to have a plan as to how if you want that to work. If you being a nun and him being a monk is honestly not something realistic for you, then it isn't. Sexual issues aside, I am betting he is going to prefer you being closeted. That's something else you have to figure out. Some of us are comfortable being closeted and playing the role of straight spouse, some are not. But whether you come out or not, you are going to have to know and feel deep down being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, and that is very hard when you are keeping it hidden. Other stuff like that. And I mean discuss it with him, you are both still a team. It may take a few tries before both of you can be realistic. But eventually, if you are going to stay together, or if you decide it is not realistic, either way it will work a lot better with a plan. I felt like I had ruined her life when I came out. The guilt and shame I felt was really unbearable and I even went back to being a guy full time for a few weeks. But the fact is, the time we spent together was definitely not wasted, and we are closer now than we have ever been. All the little compromises that we were making just were not working. I am attracted to her, but we're still sexually incompatible. I can't "just cross dress". She needs a man. I stuck around to clean up my mess and get both of us back on our feet. It was hard, but I was there to encourage her to start dating again. We aren't perfect. I should not have landed myself in a straight relationship. I did lie to her and myself for a long time. But I don't think good people are perfect. Good people just own up to their mistakes, clean up, and learn from them. I know it feels like a lot of people are pushing you in the gay direction, and not a lot of people are pushing you in the "save your marriage" direction. So my aim here was just to not push. I'm hoping I was able to do that. Whatever choice you make, there's people here that made the same one, and we're all here for you either way.
I would agree that going to counselling with your husband could be a very good thing - if only to help you end the marriage in a gentle, respectful and supportive way. If kids are involved, you'll need to work effectively together as parents for the rest of your lives, so learning to get along in this new reality is important. Getting help for yourself is important too - so stick with that plan too. You'll get through this.
Thanks everyone for your comments. i had not stopped to think that the counseling would be helpful, regardless of what I (or he, for that matters) decide to do about the marriage. Deep down inside of me, I know that I want to be with a woman. But I am so afraid, so afraid of everything. Of being alone. But I am also afraid of looking back years from now and wondering what would have happened if I had allowed myself to be happy. But in the meantime, I will look forward to going to couples' counseling, even if it ends up being counseling gearing towards helping us dissolve the marriage amicably.
Looks like others have said what I was going to say, which is that a good couples counselor will work with you to either strengthen the marriage, if that is what you both want. Or, they will work with you to tie up loose ends and end the marriage as amicably as possible. This could be a great opportunity for both of you to "speak your truth" in a safe place. Good luck.
