So, I have recognised the need to get help (and thanks to all for suggesting it here) and have met for the first time the person who may help we weave my way through self acceptance and the changes I need to make to my life. It was an easy conversation (albeit emotional for me) where I explained the 15 years of depression and he asked me what the issue was and I swallowed and said that I am gay which is a significant step, of course, being married too is a further challenge. He immediately acknowledged that this must have been an enormous burden to carry for such a time and that I had done this as a "good" person who wanted to do the best for his family. Of course, nice to hear, but the pain I have to cause to be happier myself is what I will need the help with. I continue to cry several times a day and know I have to go on this journey but it remains so hard and I have to hope that it is best for us all. I still visit dark places in my mind but I know I need to 'be here' as a father so have to get through this. I still wish I could take a pill and change but that's for them not me ... I also have seen my very good friend who has made it clear he loves me ... I am such a different and natural person when I am with him - I just need to challenge myself to confirm that the attraction is towards him and not just that it is not the life I have today. I take inspiration from the many stories on here ... I just so hope that I have a life long friend in my wife and that she will understand in the end .... It feels bad that I am potentially planning to hurt people in such a structured way with my counsellor but must learn that I need to be strong first to support others through the life change I know I need to make. Thanks again for all the support here on EC
I wish you all the best Jezza69! This is a good step. That you are agonizing over the potential pain of others should be proof enough that you are indeed a good person, and that your family is your main priority. Best of luck on this challenging task!
It must be great to have someone you can talk to face to face about this and to help you through this self discovery, understanding and acceptance of who you really are. Its going to be a hard journey for sure but well worth it in the end. I am on it myself. x
Jezza, So many of us have been down this road... I agree with greatwhale that your concerns for the people who will be hurt speak volumes about how good a person you are. I never thought of myself as a good person, so I know a little about this. I've always been a caregiver, but the shame of carrying my secret for so long kept me from realizing how much my caring for others spoke to my character. But here I am at last... I am a good person, and so are you. The harm we inflict on others is never intentional. And we do not do a service to ourselves or those we love by keeping a secret to close to the core of who we are. You have a good therapist. What a great first step! Trust that he can be your navigator through this. Better days are ahead, both for you and those close to you. It will be painful for a while, but... It. Will. Get. Better. (*hug*) /Ed.
That is a wonderful story. I'm so glad that you took the step to see a therapist, and that you were able to connect with someone who cares about you. So many people are immensely fearful of seeking the care they need. You obviously have our support, but it's profoundly meaningful to be able to talk to someone face-to-face.
I'm glad you found a good counselor that you feel comfortable to talk to. That's a great first step. I wish you well.
Glad to hear you have a therapist. I can't tell you how helpful it has been for me. He was the first one with whom I shared my uncertain feelings. Gently and supportively and non-judgementally he has inched me forward asking key questions. Most importantly, for me,he has encouraged me to give my mind the space and my heart the opportunity to really 'feel' what might be me after so many years of not going there. He told me the other day that what you and I and so many here are doing is painful, but incredibly courageous. Those here on this site seem to be such a supportive sounding board. One that many of us don't have in real life in any real way other than our therapist so far.
