Am I selfish or finally finding me?

Really, Horizon, the fact that you're even asking the question gives you the answer. If you were being self-centered and selfish, you wouldn't be at all concerned about what your wife was going through. You'd be going about your merry way, doing whatever felt right for you, o regard of any kind to her reactions or feelings. The fact that you're thinking about it, and are bothered by the possibility that you ARE being selfish, is really the clearest sign in the world that you're NOT.

What seems to be bothering my wife, and what may be bothering yours, is that the version of you that's been hidden all these years is really largely a stranger to her. She is baffled by this cheerful, upbeat, confident person who has suddenly invaded my body, and has stopped giving in to everything because I'm afraid someone will figure me out. She has lost a huge amount of power and control and predictability, and it's very disturbing to her.

Is all this fair to her? To some degree, no. When we got married, her assumption was that I was the guy she would be with forever and, let's be honest, she could mold into pretty much what she wanted. The fact that I got progressively more shut down wasn't necessarily what she wanted, but she was still able to use that to have a pretty fair amount of control over our relationship. Then suddenly I came out to her, and the whole apple cart was upset. She lost the future she had expected (and to some degree was manipulating into happening), and her boring and reliable husband suddenly started dropping years of fear and denial and started turning into a person she never knew--someone who has been hiding for decades.

For my wife, a lot of this really is loss. She sees me moving in a new direction and happy about it, and feels left behind. She is convinced that she will be sitting at home alone while I'm out partying with my boyfriend, and doesn't realize that all the power she used to control our relationship for 20 years really COULD be used to make positive changes of her own. I hope she does figure that out eventually.

Life is never fair. If I dropped dead tomorrow, she would have to adjust, but she wouldn't have me hovering around caring about her reactions, at least not physically. If I really did go all selfish and leave her behind without a second thought, she would have a different set of adjustments. None of it is fair. But the fact that you are thinking about how she feels and are concerned, and don't WANT to be selfish, is really as fair as this can be. And fairness (and selfishness) go both ways too. Isn't it selfish to expect you to keep up a pretense that has given you pain for decades? How fair would that be to you?

 

It isn't being selfish. Even if others see it that way. You owe it to yourself to do this kind of self-reflection. If you don't, you're likely to feel resentful and unhappy - which would also have a negative impact on your wife.

Keep in mind though that your wife has a vested interest in maintaining the status quo - there isn't much upside for her if you change. You've been an attentive husband all these years - even if it has meant ignoring large chunks of yourself. Now as you explore those chunks - there is the possibility of unleashing parts of you that you've ignored and locked away for a long time - which can be exciting. But for her not so much. So you'll need to be sensitive to that.

But to portray your self exploration as selfish is itself selfish of her - in my opinion.

 

I believe you should care about others but you also have the right to care about yourself too. Remember this us "your" life too and you have as much right to be happy as any other.

To be honest, when people think you shouldn't be yourself and happy in order to make others happy, who is being selfish then?

Explore your self and your life as this is the only one you get. You don't want to look back at the end if your life with regrets that you spent all the time pretending to be something you're not.

Don't get me wrong, of course you should take your wife's and others feelings into account, but that doesn't and shouldn't have to be at the complete expense of you own.

I hope you work things out,

Happy days

 

I am a people pleaser and have always been. A yes man (or women)! Doing this all my life people have come to depend on this part of me. So now that I am now finding myself and working on myself I have had to start to say no to people and even put me first. People become dependent and comfortable with being looked after and put first and it is a shock when this stops. this shock can come out as anger and they (in my experience) change it round to make me feel guilty. I think this is what is going on with you too. Its hard but slowly we and them will get used to it (hopefully). x

 

Horizon55,

Ahhh, the "selfishness" line. It's so frustrating. And it's come up here before.

My parents told me that I was always a "giving person," and they couldn't understand why I was making the selfish "decision" to be gay.

Although it's taken decades, I now recognize that their statement was really a deflection. Authenticity and honesty were far less important than public image.

As you mentioned elsewhere, your wife is wrapped up in how others might perceive her. So she's trying to blame you somehow.

Coming out is centered in honesty, integrity, and self-actualization. Just turn the tables for a moment. If your wife came out and determined that she was actually lesbian, would you find her assertion to be selfish? Or would you find it to be a relief: a final expression of a prolonged internal struggle?

 

I don't see you as being selfish. I have had the same experience. I was told repeatedly to stop caring about my family and had to reassure the person that my family is important to me. Now I am referring to my mother, sister, etc. I am not in a relationship with anybody so this person was just telling me that I shouldn't care so much. When she said this I knew something was off with this so called friendship. When people call you selfish its usually something they are thinking about in their self. Meaning they project how they feel about themselves on you. I only just realized this simply because people are scared of knowing their insecurities and are afraid to work on themselves so they spend their time "fixing others" The fact that you are seeing a counselor and doing so well is awesome. I think when people start seeing the real you that has been hiding all these years, they are shocked. I think people are shocked of what you may become even in positive circumstances. You likely are willing to stand up for yourself too which people hate. People want to be right because that gives them control over you. I also learned this when I was with this person because I realized when I started arguing back and not just let her yell at me I realized nothing would come of it since everyone gets stuck in life. The thing that makes you, myself and others different is that we try to build ourself and know we are not perfect. We notice the things we need to work on and work our butts off doing it.

I am very happy for you. I think you are finally focused on yourself which I believe is very healthy. I have also had to learn this and the more I learn from yes counseling the more I realize how much I have been holding in. You are doing what many are afraid to do...be yourself and work on yourself. You are awesome! Congratz on your progress.

 

Agreed, you're not being 'selfish' by being true to who you were meant to be. And, not slinging mud here, a person or persons expecting or demanding you to fit in their mold or view of what THEY feel you should be is a textbook example of selfishness.

And oh, the 'public image'. Amazing isn't it that a family can overlook relatives with criminal records, cheating spouses, spousal/alcohol/substance abuse, etc etc etc...but let ONE boy in the family admit that he likes dick and he's bringing shame to the family. In my Grandmother's eyes, I brought shame to our family by being a 'faggot'. Hmmm...did she forget that she was pregnant with my father when she got married? That her mother ran a speak-easy during The Prohibition? That her son (my father) beat my mother unmercifully? Yet it was ME that brought shame to our 'good family name'? I could have been bitter and pointed all of this out to her, but didn't. Instead I worked hard to educate her. It worked and, before her death, she realized being who I truly am, the person that God intended me to be, was not shameful OR selfish.

Two of her final 'statements' stick with me to this day: "I have witnessed more love, kindness, generosity and TRUE Christianity in the gay community than I ever have anywhere else." And...this one makes me laugh to this day..."love is like potato salad...there's all kinds."

Be true to YOU. Others may disapprove, but YOU are being authentic.

 

Two of her final 'statements' stick with me to this day: "I have witnessed more love, kindness, generosity and TRUE Christianity in the gay community than I ever have anywhere else." And...this one makes me laugh to this day..."love is like potato salad...there's all kinds."

This is amazing

 

Thanks cm! The transformation that she underwent in the last years of her life was amazing.