I have been seeing a wonderful, kind, caring and loving man for a year and a half now. We love each other very deeply and our relationship grows stronger and gets better all the time. We have so many common interests and have a great passion for life...and each other. We started out as friends and the relationship grew from there. He's everything that I've ever searched for in a man and we are truly happy when we are together. What's the problem? He's married to a woman. They have a daughter. He knows what he wants...has accepted who he is...but is struggling with what he may lose by dissolving his marriage. Main concern is his daughter, and I admire him and love him even more for that. We jokingly say that our relationship is very 'French'. We all travel in the same circles and I have entertained his family in my home on many occasions. I have gotten to know his daughter and love her as though she were my own. We have many mutual friends that know that I'M gay and have questioned me about his sexual orientation. I always deny that I know anything about it and say that he's straight. Although, he's not fooling people as much as he feels that he is. We've talked at length about what the future holds for us. And both of us are optimistic about that future. He is a very orderly and methodical man and doesn't make any decision without completely weighing everything first. He's well-respected in our community and church, hard working and college educated. He says that he's known all his life that he's gay and has struggled throughout his marriage. Then we met...and he said that it was finally as if everything he wanted was right there. He's finding it harder and harder to deny who he really is and continue to live like he is. I do not pressure him to make decisions about the coming-out process as that is very personal and is done at one's own pace. I support him and love him with all my heart and I want to do whatever I can to help him. I am going to encourage him to join EC...I know that he's already joined at least one gay fathers' support group on-line. On the flip-side of that coin, I cannot talk to anyone (friends - as most are mutual) as it would 'out' him. I'm surely not the only person in this world in this situation. So I guess I'm struggling with what to do for him and for myself. Our relationship is strong enough that I think it will survive, but I just need someone to talk to that understands where I'm at. :bang:
So how is that affecting you? Never to hold hands or kiss him in public. I am out to everyone that I loved-now going through a "non contested" divorce with my wife of 28 years. She has accepted it sadly but graciously. When I told her, she thought that I was having an affair with a woman. In fact, I am 62 years old and kissed my first man last December-that is how buried my gayness was in my subconscious. My lover and I walk the streets hand in hand and there is no amount of money or drug in the world that gives me the feeling of exhiliration. So how do you feel? I don't think that I could stand not having what I have. To have my gayness take it rightful place, standing erect under the sun--the basic right of any living creature on this planet.
Currently, we don't have that...and we both long for it. Right now it's just a waiting game. The ball is totally in his court as he is the one that is married and has a lot of things to deal with. I am totally out and think that, once divorced, he will be also. During the time that I was with my former partner - there was never any affection displayed in public. Never. And that was his choice. At first, I could deal with it and was okay. But what clenched it for me was when we were visiting Chicago and walking down Halstead and I reached for his hand and he quickly jerked it away. That was when I should have known that there was never going to be that part of our relationship. It hurt and I told him so...he just shrugged it off and said that he wasn't comfortable with it. That is EXACTLY what I want. To be able to hold hands and express publicly and finally that I have someone that loves me as much as I love them - and that we have a beautiful and loving relationship that doesn't have to be hidden.
I am so sorry for you. He will never change. As a person, who had an unknown gay soul repressed in me for the past 52 years-no, I was not a closet case, I find it dishonest for me not hold hands and caress my lover's hands in public. Straights can, so can I. I saw that film "Out Lately" and a therapist said that those who come out late should not strive for "Acceptance" but for "Celebration" and with the last decades of my life, that is what I will do. I will not live "a living death" of not being what I am-what God created in me to be. Live, strive, and not to yield. With my lover,I am not just in love, I am love to him and he to me.
Nope, former partner hasn't changed. And he never will. Current guy I'm seeing wants to live a life that's a reflection of who he is and to 'celebrate' us and what we have.
That is a start. I read somewhere in these message boards, that when you query a prospective lover, you should ask not "What do you want?" but rather "What do you want me for?". The person who said that got the right answer and a husband of 26 years and that might be the right question to ask of your current guy. It is good that he wants to live a reflection of who he is but it is even better to live a life that is a reflection of who we are. In love, the "I" becomes "Us", and there is no struggle in doing this--it becomes so natural, so loving. It is as if each becomes an extension of the other. Good luck and good life.
Beautifully said, Henry656! Welcome to EC! In love, "Us" is also I + I, like two strong oaks standing in permanent relation to each other, each holding up their piece of the sky, their branches intertwined but with sufficient distance between them so that each can have enough sunlight to grow.
Beautifully said, Henry656! Welcome to EC! In love, "Us" is also I + I, like two strong oaks standing in permanent relation to each other, each holding up their piece of the sky, their branches intertwined but with sufficient distance between them so that each can have enough sunlight to grow.[/QUOTE] Thanks so much. The few interchanges that I have had on here today have been an amazing help to me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the two strong oaks analogy. It is beautiful...and a wonderful reflection of how I view love and relationships. (*hug*)
Thank you for the positive comments. Sorry to say this for both the straight and gay communities, but I see too many individuals looking for "love" and what they really want is "self love". Love is only as being successful as being gay--it is best when it comes out. For me, it was not coming out. It was chrysalis--when the catepillar comes out of its cocoon and becomes a butterfly-unfortunately it took 52 years for me. My horse whipping by my father saw to that. But I have no hate, nor bitterness. I forgave him but I first forgave myself.
