I was partnered for 14 years. We have amicably parted and remain friends and there is more transparency NOW in our relationship than when we were partnered. There was infidelity (on his part) early on in our relationship and I found out about it from others. We took a hit for that but survived another 9 years. In talking with him now, I find that there were Manu others. I'm not angry as that's in the past. However it does explain A LOT. Oh, and I didn't mention that he was not out - at all. So in 14 years of being together I never got to know any of his family or co-workers or 'pre-me' friends. Although he met my entire family and was accepted by them. I have been seeing a man now for a year and a half and we are optimistic of our future together. Yet, I'm still terrified of being mid-life and starting over. All of the 'what-ifs' in my life weigh me down. What if this new relationship doesn't work out? What if I start dating again? I am comfortable with me...and I guess that I'm tired of living as someone's 'dirty little secret'. I want a relationship in which my partner/spouse is not ashamed to introduce me as such.
If the new relationship doesn't work out, you will either grieve or feel relief, depending on the circumstances. Then you will heal and move on and probably meet someone else. Basically the same thing that everyone else goes thru with relationships as they progress through life. If you start dating again, you will presumably meet a range of guys. Some you will like, some you won't. With a bit of luck and perseverance, you will meet someone who likes you back and a new relationship will grow out of that. Best of luck to you as your current new relationship develops. But even if it doesn't work out, I'm sure you have the strength and experience to move forward either way. Todd
Thanks, Todd! It was so much easier to 'bounce back' when I was in my 20s...not so much anymore. Surprisingly the loss of the 14 year relationship didn't bother me that much...but the thought of losing this new one scares the s**t out of me!
I know what you mean about being the dirty little secret and about fearing the loss of a new relationship. When I started college I met the guy who became my first boyfriend. We had a secret relationship for over 9 months; he was welcome in my parents home and I was welcome in his, no one was the wiser of the fact that we were more than friends. Until that summer day when his dad came home unexpectedly and our lives were changed forever. Fast forward 23 years, I'm married with kids, finally out of the closet permanently, and working our way through divorce, selling the house and moving on with our lives and taking care of the kids. I've formed a great relationship with an amazing man who is also married with kids, and we know there is a strong future already for the two of us once our situations at home are squared away. When I think of that future evaporating for some reason, it makes me sick to my stomach; so I focus on now, the times we meet for lunch or at a group, the phone calls and messaging. Is it enough? Honestly, no, but it is where we are right now. We're basically of the same mind on so many things it gets to be unnerving at times but it also makes this part of our relationship so much easier to handle since we both know that taking our relationship further while we're still married would be a bad idea. After all, one of the main reasons we took the risk of stepping away from the closet was to regain our personal integrity; that would be for naught if we turned around and went against our moral code.
I'm sorry, Naesr, that sucks! Nothing else to say... Do the two of you talk openly about your histories? Does he know your fears and concerns? And does he respond with patience and compassion? If so, then you're at the least building a good foundation for a long-term relationship. Is he out, completely? Hope so... I get it. I mean, look to the left of the screen, at my age. I'm ending a 25-year marriage because I have to live as an openly gay man. And I'm hopeful. Dating in middle or older age is quite different, I'm finding, than dating when young. It's about shared interests, developing an emotional connection with another man, and moving forward from a place of security and trust. I guess, for me at least, it's trust-then-lust rather than the other way around. I'm not driven so much by hormones as by the need for companionship and love. Sex for me, I think, will come out of those things, not before them. What a healthy place to begin from! And you deserve a partner who feels the same. /Ed. (*hug*)
Thanks for you kind comments, StillAround. To answer your question, yes we do talk openly. We have shared our histories; we have very frank and honest talks about our fears, hopes, wants and needs. He is not out at this time...well, his is to a select few. He is currently in a hetero-marriage and is dealing with many issues there. It's a slow process, but we are both optimistic. We started out as friends and the friendship deepened and have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. Our time together, at this point, is limited due to work schedules and his family obligations. When we can't be together in person, we talk on the phone, text and Facebook message. In fact, he just left. He stopped by for coffee on his way to work. Our little Saturday morning 'coffee dates' have become something that we both look forward to and enjoy immensely. We both understand that there are no REAL guarantees in this life, but feel lucky that we have found one another. And what we have built and are continuing to build is amazing. To quote you, "trust-then-lust". Both of us deal with trust issues and it's refreshing to build a relationship with a man that feels honesty and transparency are of utmost importance. Both of us are men of great and sound faith, active in the church, and are more the 'stay at home' type guys. We'd both rather have a good time entertaining friends than going out to party. Guess that's age...or maturity.
The past is gone and we cannot change it (but we can become a hostage to it). Of course, we need to learn lessons from past experience, but we mustn't allow our anxieties to overtake us and ruin the present or future, especially a future that feels so optimistic. You both recognise the challenges and potential difficulties that lie ahead, but you are building something together, bit by bit, and hopefully you will draw strength from each other and grow stronger. You said yourself that there are no guarantees in life and that's so true. Life is sometimes a game of chance and there are certainly risks. We do what we can to minimise those risks (in this case getting emotionally wounded), but we can't completely eliminate them. As long as you are sure that you are doing all you can to minimise the risks to you, then you need to seize the opportunity and have faith that it will come good. Good wishes!
