I'm crushed tonight

Hang tight, Horizon!

She needs time, you need time. A 27-year marriage is not something to take lightly, and you're both realizing the implications. This is probably the most difficult time between you so keep posting keep gathering your thoughts, we're here to listen most of all.

What you are saying about trying harder is really bargaining, it's part of the process of mourning. You need to be clear about what, exactly, you are mourning!

You showed courage and respect for her by trying to discuss this; right now, she is in catastrophic mode, and in this state, everything will be black and white. It will take time for her to see the shades of grey between the two extremes.

Would that we lived in a world where it was possible to make an arrangement, to preserve the marriage while allowing you the freedom to be who you are and allowing her the freedom to explore her own needs. But we live with little morality squads embedded in our minds that force cruel choices upon us...if only it weren't so...

 

Oh Horizon,

You're right--many of us have been through this. And there's not much more to do than stand there and be a punching bag. Expressing your anger just escalates the confrontation. And she's not ready to hear about your grief. In her mind, she's the victim right now. But the truth is that you're both victims. And right now, it's just all raw emotion. You're both in the very early stages of grieving. This is going to take time.

But you're gay. Everything you've said here confirms that it is true. And there's no turning back from that. How can you recommit to a marriage that you now know cannot be fulfilling for either of you?

Tough days ahead for you both. There will be awful days and not so awful days. But most of your cards are on the table now, though you've left some wiggle room for both of you. But I think you know that the wiggle room you've left is probably an illusion. And someday soon, you'll probably have to come completely clean with your wife. Then, the healing can begin for both of you. And the days will start to get better.

A year ago, I told my wife that I was probably gay. The question we asked each other then was, "Does it matter?". At the time, she made it clear that so long as I didn't stray from our marriage, we would stay together. And I honestly thought I could stay true. But in the end, at 69, I had to admit that it did matter. I had to move forward. And we are in the process of separating, though it may take some time. Only you can know what path you'll take, but you will move forward. We all do.

Listen to Chip and greatwhale. They are so wise.

/Ed. (*hug*)

 

Horizon55,

Your wife's occupation is rather ironic.

You have not "let her down," nor have have you "ruined" her. You were honest. That's it.

It's so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking of marriages as "success" or "failure." Marriages don't get grades and report cards. You haven't failed at anything.

There are certainly expectations that couples can have for one another: honesty, communication, equal division of labor. But it is unreasonable, even absurd to demand that you be straight. As you asserted, you can't choose to be gay or straight, so it's neither plausible nor acceptable for your wife to demand that you change your sexual orientation.

From what you've written, she is deeply fearful, and profoundly fearful of what others will think of her. In other words, it's a rather self-absorbed response. She's not expressing concern for your own internal struggles; she's worried what others will think about her.

To be fair, it is disrupting, and she's allowed to be frightened. But you'll have the challenge of redirecting her when she uses words like "choice." Given her profession, she has to know that she wants something impossible. I hope that you'll continue to hold your ground, stay as calm as you appear in writing here, and know that all of us support you.

 

Horizon,

I didn't catch this at first. That your wife could be a sexual health counselor AND say these words makes me very sad. I'll end there without resorting to a snarky comment...

/Ed. (*hug*)

 

Horizon,

What your wife said is almost word for word what mine said. Its now been 6 months since I told her and we are basically in the same position. We've been married for 23 years with 2 teenagers. Its basically just like living in limbo going through the motions. We almost divorced last month but for several reasons put it off. It is extremely tiring to go through this everyday. But between coming on here and going to a support group helps to vent and to have someone listen that understands.

 

So many parallels to my own story... just know that it will get better. You've done the right thing by letting her just get the anger and hurt out. It may keep coming for a while; it's been over a month and I still get the occasional dose of venom. In fact the last time I got a dosage it had been a month after coming clean, and that was the first time I could counter her attack by pointing out how much I was hurt by the years of lies without that simple fact being jumped on as being self-absorbed or self-pity (only made that mistake once early on, and my therapist advised waiting to bring up that reality until later).

Your wife is hurt and angry -- you "did this to her"... you're "choosing" to be gay... controlling her happiness. None of that is reality, but her reality has been a charade for how long? When was the last time either of you were happy and fully engaged in your marriage?

Don't give up on yourself to try to make her feel better. Only she can get herself to a better place. Be kind and supportive while she works through this. Be honest with her about how you feel; don't couch your orientation in "maybe" and "questioning" if you really know how you feel. Whether or not you "want" to be with a man is not the issue here; the fact that you are gay is the reality to be focused on with her, not what relationships you may or may not have in the future.

I hope you both find peace in the coming days and months. You've shared nearly 3 decades of your lives together. You both will always be a part of each other no matter what. Be the example of honesty and kindness for her so the part of you she carries on in her life will be a positive influence.

 

Bottom line ... This is your time in life to claim yourself and live authentically. Bravo I say. There will be fall out and pain but that is subject to an amount of negotiation.

Much wiser people have commented above but if this is a moment for you to make a stand for your true self then maybe that is just what you have to do. Regardless .. To be happy and give yourself a break

 

This is a terrible situation and the advice you have received so far is good. I would echo Chip's comments - YOU are not responsible for HER happiness - she is. It would be HER that would feel shameful about you being gay - and that would be HER problem to deal with.

I pulled the rug out from under my wife too. We had only been married 9 years, but had built a beautiful life as a heterosexual couple. She had her dream house in a desireable neighbourhood, 2 beautiful little girls, a golden retriever, a Volvo station wagon. We attended church regularly, and I was the church treasurer. It was very 'Norman Rockwell'.

And then I had to come along and be gay! She was remarkably understanding - but it still caused a huge upheaval for all of us. We had to sell the house. The girls had to change schools - and get used to their parents being separated. (Not easy to understand at 4 and 6.) Our golden suffered from separation anxiety and started eating everything and anything that was left around the house. And 2 years later, when I came out to our minister, I was even booted from my role as treasurer - so we lost our church family.

But not everything changed. My wife was able to continue to work part time and be a stay at home mom for our girls. (We simply bought two smaller houses so that our overall budget was the same as before.) She eventually started dating, and within 3 years was remarried. Our girls have adjusted - and now have 3 dads. (Because I have remarried too!)

The difference is my wife has always been a 'glass is half full' kind of person. And she had lots of friends who she could lean on for support through that difficult time. She also got therapy to help work through the emotions and help understand what I was going through. Those things would help your wife as well - but it sounds like she might have too much shame and embarassment to allow herself to seek out help.

Good luck - we're all here for you!

 

Every one of us is responsible for our own happiness. While being with someone or around other can facilitate happiness, the bottom line is that we can only do that for ourselves.

The reactions of your wife, Horizon, seems to be true to form for most in this situation. Even the spouses that had clear signs and are 100% certain that the are married to someone who's GLBT seem to react as such when they are finally told.

My guy is dealing with the beginnings of this. He's not yet told his wife (at least I don't THINK he has and he hasn't said as much) and I'm certain that she will react this way too. What I'm having a hard time grasping about his situation is that she's caught him looking at/watching gay porn on the net, the bulk of his male friends are gay or at least suspect and her own sister, upon finding out she was going to date him (nearly 20 years ago) said: "Isn't he gay?"....how can she NOT know? And, why do women that DO know for certain continue to act as though everything is okay and react violently when their husbands come clean? In a 'perfect' world, a whole lot of agony and grief for both parties would be alleviated if she just sat down with him and said 'I know.'

Sorry, rant and ramble there.

But I am extremely saddened that your wife, given her profession, would still consider your sexuality a 'choice'. As gay men, the only 'choice' we make regarding our sexuality is whether or not to act upon it.

Stay strong....be true to yourself...and it will get better. (*hug*)

 

Hello Horizon55

Reading your posts brought tears to my eyes and I really feel your pain at this time and as others have said we are all here for you.

It is now just over a year since I dropped the bombshell on my wife just before our 25th wedding anniversary. I had reached the point that unless I came out, no matter what he consequences, I did not feel as though I wanted to continue living. My wife knew I was severely depressed and had been in therapy for a year but had no idea that part of my problem was my sexuality; this gave me the opportunity of preparing my thoughts in a logical order and put them down in writing to give to her when I came out.

I know for you that the cat is out of the bag and you have been forced into the discussion before you were fully prepared in your own mind which cannot have been the ideal situation, if there ever is an ideal way to do this. I enclose a link to the notes I gave my wife at the time, which she found very helpful, in the hope that it may give you some ideas to talk around

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html

I also made another blog entry that covered the few weeks after coming out to give you some idea how things went.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...e-first-10-days-after-coming-out-my-wife.html

We are still together 1 year later. If I’m honest with you our position now is more like she has joined me in the closet since she doesn’t want me telling others I’m gay. We are emotionally closer together that before I came out but our sexless marriage has continued sexless. We now joke about which guy I fancy when watching various TV shows, this is something I would never of imagined in the darkest hours before I came out.

I have given my wife time to get used to me being gay and not yet actively tried to find a boyfriend of Friend-With-Benefits. Not being fully out and having an outlet for my sexual desires is taking a toll on me in that almost my every waking moment is thinking about guys and being snuggled up with one.

Hang in there and keep posting

Sale Gay Guy

 

I hear you Sale she basically refuses to talk about or acknowledge it really even in marriage counselling. Its like she thinks if we don't talk about it then its not there.

 

Yeah ive been through all of this.. It is so tiring.. Hang on in there, before there is light there is dark... Take each day as it comes. And let her have time to process it all.

 

We're here for you, one day at a time.

 

Thank you for your posts Horizon as you detailed my position right now. Lets hang in there tight and think of better days ahead. Its all we have right now.