Hello all. I am 45 years old, married, with one teenager. I've been married for 16 years and had several girlfriends before her. I was a never a big player in college or high school but I have been with a number of women...okay a handful. I've enjoyed sex with the women I have been with. Before I was married and not dating I considered experimenting with men but I always "chickened" out. I really hadn't considered sex with men until engaging in phone sex when I was single. One night while calling a phone sex line I experienced a session that suggested I would like being with men. It was a turn on because it seemed taboo. After that I went on to have several sexual relationships with women and eventually got married. Over the last 5 years my marriage has been rocky at times and I engaged in phone sex again. I led the topic of discussion to sex with men. A couple of years ago I had my first experience with a man and it was awkward and felt shame afterwards. So what do I do? I tried it again. One experience I had was good, it involved kissing and the sex was good. Since that time I find myself watching gay porn and wanting more sexual experiences with men. I'm not going to engage in any more extramarital affairs and I need to figure out what to do going forward. I'm embarrassed, confused, and ashamed of myself. I still find myself checking out women but when watching porn my thoughts are always gay fantasies. I appreciate your comments and time
First off, there isn't much you can do to change that you did have an affair. I'm glad you've realized that you shouldn't let it happen again. I mean sure it might be great at the time, but at least with how I look at it, chances are it will come back to bite you, or at least eat at your conscience. There's a level of honesty that goes with being with someone in a relationship, rocky patch or not that shouldn't be broken. I'm sure you know all this though blah blah. What to do now? That's really entirely up to what you want with your life. Setting what gender you find interest in off to the side, doesn't matter if you like both, men or women, your wife is who you are with and the main decision is do you still want to be with her? Does she just not make you happy anymore? Next would be where to go from there. If you truly are not happy, and decide to break it off, then come back to the question of your orientation. I don't mean if you do decide to stay with her that you should just completely disregard the idea that you have feelings for men, just know that you are taken, and as long as that is it doesn't matter to the point that you need to act on it. I don't really know how you stand in preference, but it's pretty clear that you know you feel something towards guys. Is it really only sexual? How does the idea of being in a relationship with another guy feel? What is it you like about men? I don't really know what else to say right now, but hope what I did helps a little.
Buckeye- Welcome to EC. I've only been involved for a day and have found SO much information and an awful lot that I can relate to. It seems as though attraction to men is not something new to you. And I'm sure that facing that attraction in your mid-40s is a daunting thing. Being married compounds the problem. Deciding where to go from where you are now, most likely, seems insurmountable. But it isn't. It's going to take a lot of time and soul searching. But in the end being true to ourselves and honest with the people that we love is the most important thing. You mention in your post embarrassment, confusion and shame. Are these the result of your desires or that you acted on them? Personally, I did not marry because I was aware of my attraction to men and that it would not go away but only intensify if I didn't face it. I knew that my desire to be with a man was so strong that I would never be able to deny it while in a hetero-marriage and would, most likely seek what I truly desired OUTSIDE of that marriage. But the flip side of that coin was simply this: by marrying a woman, I would be lying about who I truly was and, in essence, cheating her AND myself of true happiness. Hence, I came out to my fiancé and broke the engagement. To this day we remain friends. I am not going on record and saying that what you did is cheating or that it's right or wrong. My views on that subject have vastly changed over the years as I have come to realize that the world is NOT black and white. Our society is so anxious to label everything and everybody and often hasty decisions are based on little to no information. I have a friend that came out to his wife several years back. They remain friends. He said that his one regret was that he didn't do it sooner. You have to do what is right for you, and how you act on your desires is your choice. You didn't CHOOSE to be attracted to men, you chose to act on it. As did I. There are so many variables in your situation. Are you and your wife having problems because of your attraction or are there other factors in play? That's a big one right there. You should continue to examine yourself, whether you act on it or not at this time. The longer you avoid it, the more it's going to take on a life of its own and even more problems will crop up. It looks to me as though you are taking the first tentative steps to self-discovery. Don't stop now and don't think you're alone or that there's no one else out there like you. And don't be afraid to reach out to others for help and support. Keep us posted! (*hug*)
