Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation...

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

People go into relationships for a variety of reasons. We often choose to ignore things that don't fit into what we're looking for, in favor of more significant ones that do.

My wife had come off of a series of bad relationships with men, and had grown up with an alcoholic father, and parents who were physically abusive to her brothers (and the brothers took it out on her). I was better educated than the men in her family, gentler and more considerate, and, of course, desperate to prove to myself that I wasn't REALLY gay. While the sex was certainly fine early on, she probably could have picked up on a few clues, such as the fact that she was the first person I had slept with (at age 29!), I never dated anyone in the several years that she knew of my existence, and I had that whole church organist/singer thing going on. (She also knew my college roommate and I had been close, and that he came out a year or two after I graduated.) She just felt I was "different" from the other guys (and I was, at least from 90-95% of them, as it turned out!)

Certainly after a few years, she had many more clues. I was always cautious about what she might find on the computer and did my browsing when she wasn't around. But our love life dwindled down pretty quickly, and was largely nonexistent after our youngest was born. She lost some weight at one point and was quite annoyed because I didn't immediately start jumping her every time she jiggled. The fact that I wasn't much of a handyman or gearhead wouldn't really be a "clue" as such, but she did like to throw that in my face during fights in her taunting Roseanne Barr voice to suggest that "What are you, gay or something?" And my shrinking, defensive reaction to those comments probably should have been an obvious clue as well.

After I came out to her, her reaction was basically that she had suspected for at least 10 years. So why did she stick with me? All I can think is, she was getting something out of the relationship. Money--her first husband was perpetually out of work, but I kept getting raises and moving up. Support--I have spent years as a combination pack mule, admin assistant, therapist and companion. Power--she was able to use the "are you gay?" card to keep me in line in a variety of ways, since protecting my closet was the most important thing in my life, and even the suggestion that I was gay would make me back down from anything that might be suspect, like being with friends, singing, watching any movie with even a passing reference to someone gay, you name it.

For my wife to sit down with me and ask directly if I was gay would have been pointless. I would have denied it completely (well, I DID deny it, every time the subject came up, and even sometimes when it didn't). She would have been poking a ######'s nest that would have ended up stinging her, and even though she may have been aware on some level that I was gay, she had a lot more to lose than to gain by bringing the subject up. Now that I am out, and she has suddenly started emerging from 6 months of denial, she is panicking and asking a lot of questions, and worrying about details for the future. If we had had a more equitable relationship to begin with, those details wouldn't be an issue, but the balance of power was so skewed in her favor that she really IS losing more than I am in all this. I felt very responsible at first, but the prospect of a relationship that's a real partnership of two equals has gone a long way to melting away any residual guilt.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

I think one of the reasons could be cultural homophobia and lack of knowledge about what it actually means being gay, plus a general revulsion towards male sexuality.
The OP is a gay guy so I'll focus on gay men more in my response.

I grew up in a homophobic, catholic household. Being gay was only ever spoken about in the context of 'perverts': men who went out cruising at night. Lesbians 'didn't exist', so in a sense I was not as much exposed to homophobia towards lesbians.

I am lesbian but bi-romantic so have had in my life a few crushes/relationships with men where I've struggled with acceptance of their sexuality (and my own of course).

1) When I was 19 with a gay friend of mine: at some point we were seeing each other everyday, spending a lot of time together, getting really close emotionally and cuddling/having sleepovers etc.
I've developed feelings for him and I know it was mutual to some extent.
Generally outside of our relationship he was really sexually promiscuous. He had random-hookups quite often, but once our relationship intensified his hook-ups kind of stopped.

In my mind at the time, given my upbringing it meant that maybe I managed to 'put him on the right path'. I had no idea about 'being' gay, for me it was about behaviour and that behaviour in his case was linked with indulging in dark drives which were 'dirty'.
In some sense they were, because when I knew him he never had a boyfriend or dated a guy, it was all about random sex. It all came out of ignorance about orientation, I thought it was about a conscious decision in preference, that he could decide he preferred the more 'pure' relationship with me.
In retrospect our connection was intense for me and even though he evidently was into guys, and we never actually had sex it was my first exposure to queer connections and as such it was pretty formative and later played a role in my own coming out.



2) I've had a relationship with a guy where I've really struggled accepting his sexuality.

He was into 'cuckold porn' and I assume had a pregnancy fetish, all rather mild really. I've dabbled in bdsm/ queer fantasies, had gender/queer fantasies and what not, but to me this 'breeder fantasy' was utterly repellent.
For me pregnancy is solely about the baby and I get a really protective feeling towards the woman and her baby. Putting her into a sexualised context just scares the hell out of me, it just makes her appear vulnerable, and makes me feel like her baby is in danger. I feel like a guy should have a protective feeling towards a pregnant woman and not to want to see her having sex with others. I guess these are my parental instincts.

I saw his sexual fetish as morally objectionable, I could not relate to it at all and I wished it went away. So in this case I felt that his sexuality was objectionable.
It is by no means 'unique', I know many guys share it, but it is outside of what the 'ideal' heterosexual sexuality looks like in a male and because of that, it is 'wrong'.

In the traditional sexual narrative 'love' leads to 'sex' which is exclusive, romantic and fulfilling and it leads to children who are loved in a non-sexual, protective way. This is what women are told they 'deserve': if a guy does not conform to it, if he has a 'pervert' sexuality his actions not only affect him, but also his wife: he 'disrespected' her, by giving her less than she 'deserved' in terms of respect and love.

I guess many people whose spouses are gay could feel in a similar way: being straight feels 'right' to them, and their partner 'choosing' the 'wrong' side is like a personal affront.


Female sexuality carries less of a stigma of being 'dirty', when I came out to my ex as more 'lesbian than bi' his reaction was not particularly negative, but he really behaved as if nothing happened. I've been reading other threads here and to me it looks as if this is the more common negative response from male spouses: a certain denial that it actually is something real.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

Choirboy hit on an important point. Even though I had moved out of the house, and been away for almost a year when I came out to her (and she was already 95% certain I was gay), she got angry. But since then, our dynamic has changed completely, I talk back, I'm not cowed anymore by her insults and I can dish out some choice words as well. She is still holding on to her little shred of power by keeping the kids in the dark, for the time being.

I expect this will change once I come out to the kids, and she knows it.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

Everything I read is interesting, but this one is over the top. So she has a Roseanne Barr voice?

I've see a different spin on this. I've met women who were super vigilant about sexual identity and looked for any cues - what kinds of animals you've owned*, penmanship**, length of time not in a relationship***, being a gentleman****, and all that. The ones who overlooked any of these variables weren't as popular or sought after, and I got the impression that they were willing to accommodate, be in denial, or toss out any reasonable amount of vigilance to have a man in their lives.

* guys who only liked cats, but I mostly like dogs
** too neat is a bad thing, and mine is neat
*** lots of time
**** some see this as bad, because it doesn't translate into wanting to tear their clothes off and you might actually want to get a green light first; hearing "get off of me" would be disconcerting, not to mention unwanted physical contact

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 03:47 PM ----------

I'll bet you can. It's probably cathartic. You probably wanted to so beforehand and are making up for lost time.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

The first Christmas we shared, my future brother-in-law purchased an automotive electrical repair kit. Her father turned to my wife and said, "Why do I get the feeling you'll get more use out of it than he will." I was 35, liked nice clothes, and into musical theatre...as Nathan Lane said on the Letterman Show when asked if he was gay, "...you do the math." I never acted feminine, but there were enough "feminine" interests that may have clued her in, or my easy acceptance of her gay friends. It wasn't until this past summer when she said she thought I was gay, during a fight, that brought things to a screeching halt. I couldn't admit it, and I think she regretted what she said. Fast forward to January when I came out to her...dead silence, a sure sign of her anger...I thought I'd just be confirming what she thought...when she finally found her tongue the vitriol was delivered in those quiet, ever so civil tones (first person to raise their voice loses). She could have delivered her anger at a tea party and none would be the wiser. Don't you just love WASP's. Even now she feels I was "unfaithful" to her...emotionally. I have honoured my wedding vows, I've not cheated, nor have I had an emotional affair. I was a compliant child and a compliant husband, but this effectively took her control of things away. That's the only reason I can think of for her reaction. She had already say that she thought I was gay, so why the big negative reaction. There was no discussion over what should happen next full speed ahead on the train to Reno. The papers to be filed are signed and in some clerk's hand now. Oddly, I still love her and want her in my life.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

Hahaha, Tightrope, her voice is somewhat loud under normal circumstances, but the Roseanne Barr voice is something that gets hauled out on special occasions, like the good china or a favorite switchblade.

Several new discussions and incidents over the past couple of weeks have made it clear that she is really struggling far more with accepting this than I realized, but also that she has a lot more deep-seated issues than just me being gay. I've really known this all along, but it's definitely been confirmed recently. We had a reasonably decent friendship at one point many years ago, and I do have some hope that we may have one in the future. But I'm realizing more and more that while she is the one who really needs the friendship (quite desperately in fact), it's not likely to happen unless I do much of the heavy lifting. As long as it doesn't mess up my life or delay my future happiness, I'm OK with that. I figure I do owe her something for dragging her along on my long trip of denial and self-acceptance, and while no relationship with her is ever very equitable, sometimes we do have to accept that we're not only in this world for ourselves, but for others as well. Now that I have a much more positive relationship with someone who gives and takes, I can afford to be more tolerant of her issues, since they aren't bleeding me dry anymore.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

I told my partner when we first started dating when I was 18 that I was bisexual even though I never been with a woman he took it okay.And we have been together 11 years and these past 3 years I'm starting to think I'm actually a lesbian.He thinks now after all that time I was going through a phase and that you have to be gay or straight.Love how my feelings were taken so lightly NOT makes me feel like I'm not entilted to feel a certain way.He acts like I'm confused or not really feeling what I feel ( he doesn't believe in same sex attraction) I wish I knew earlier About his views.He would make out it was fine Aslong as I didn't explore 11 years on and those feelings are resurfacing.Why do I have to feel bad for being honest just cause I'm not the person he wants me to be,

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

I recently came out to my wife of five years, well more like she found a blog with the title 'I'm gay, I'm married, I'm fucked'. She eventually confessed that she thought I was gay when we dated in the 80's as well as when we started 7 years ago. Why do they go along knowing it? Or being pretty damn sure about it!!??

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

I have heard or have identified a couple of reasons:

- they are really attracted to your specific personal style and intellect
- they are really attracted to the way you look (we've all heard the expression "too good looking to be straight")
- you are the best prospect and the clock is ticking, aside from that one wrinkle on the list of attributes
- they think they can change you
- they have a little bit of extra range in their sexual preference, or may have some things in their past along those lines they are unwilling to reveal, and will accommodate the same in a man
- they have experienced some type of trauma and a man who is not as sexually needy or aggressive suits them just fine and, sometimes, there is no trauma, but there is a reduced sex drive and need for intimacy on their part

What swirls around in people's heads can make them do all sorts of things.

 

Re: Spouses who already KNEW their spouse was gay, yet reacted poorly to confirmation

I think it's the fact of suddenly being confronted by it and having no other possible way out.

Like, this is going to be an odd comparison, but it might help illustrate things.

I have had several surgeries for the same reason and in the same area. I didn't mind them much-- I couldn't control why they occurred, and I did the best I could to make the recovery process go more swiftly. Due to some specific facts surrounding the surgeries (which I won't go into), there was also some embarrassment I felt about it. But I shrugged it off because it was on my backside and I couldn't see it. "Out of sight, out of mind."

One day, I was shown pictures of it and my stomach turned upside down. Finally being confronted by it-- all of my fears and embarrassments confirmed-- killed me. My imagination of it was far more pleasant, reality was not.

Spouses who know or suspect their partner is gay still may have some doubt. Some clinging hope. Some "way out" of thinking it's true. But when that spouse finally comes out, admits to it, then they are at last confronted. Their final security and escape route is terminated.

Letting yourself imagine a thing and facing its reality are very, very different. And every person can imagine different things when someone masturbates to gay porn-- there is no absolute answer.