Hello EC, I’m not exactly new to this wonderful resource and support network, so let’s say I’m incognito for reasons I’d like to keep private. I’m at a mid-point in life and coming to terms with many aspects of my journey on earth. Like so many I’ve noticed within this forum, I’m married to a lady and been in a monogamous relationship for more than 10 years, no children though. It’s been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I suppose it’s like so many relationships that start in some ones late twenties or thirties. Baggage, ex-partners, financial stress and sexual appetite are just some of the major hurdles to overcome. The biggest hurdle I had right from the start was being open and honest to my spouse about my prior sexual experiences with other men. My intention was to be honest and open with her, I wanted to start a relationship that involved honesty and transparency from the start. Her initial response was accepting and lovingly empathetic, she expressed no concern and wanted to continue seeing me. During this discussion I said that I made mistakes and my decision to partake in homosexual activities was perhaps post traumatically based, overzealous and experimental as all I wanted was to love someone. Based on how I was feeling in the moment with her, and the excitement of a new relationship and all the love and lust, I felt my prior sexual experiences was a passing phase and that all those memories and experiences could be put in a box and buried. So our journey began; my life was taking a path of normalcy and validation, or so I thought. During the 10+ years, I tried to suicide; I was accused of sodomy, child abuse, adultery, denial and lying to myself, a failed business and to top it off, bankruptcy. To my disbelief and perhaps stupidity, I remain in this totally monogamous relationship, I never abused any child and adamant I wasn’t lying or denying anything about my sexuality, she was my queen. To fast track things, a few years ago I was re-diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, medication was prescribed and my life took a dip and then a rise, my confidence, self-esteem and willingness to live was improving, my wife was supportive. I was given a one month pass for our local gym as a birthday present, although very hesitant and self-conscious, I made the effort to attend. Within weeks my self-esteem rose as a number of gym goers commented on my weight loss and determination. As life looked positive for a number of months, my wife one day raised the topic of homosexuality again! She said it may be time to re-evaluate my sexual orientation? I was quite perplexed by the unexpected question. I wasn’t really interested in the topic; however she insisted we visit the subject as she felt I was showing signs of interest in “the gay side”. Well perhaps going to the gym for the first time in 30 years may give the impression of homosexuality, I didn’t feel gay. I felt exhausted, yet exhilarated to be losing weight and to be able to walk 1000 metres without passing out on the footpath. Since revisiting my sexual orientation dilemma, I have become so confused and angry with myself and her, my anxiety is out of control and I get so depressed. I’ve even referred myself to a psychiatrist/psychotherapist to try and unravel all of these thoughts and emotions running around in my head, hence her comment that my relationship and sexuality is ambiguous. Since this time I have had many arguments with her, we fight then become friends and then fight again. Most times the fights are a result of her talking to like I’m intellectually handicapped or something, consequently I retaliate with cussing and smart sharp snap backs. If any of you have a positive or supportive opinion I’d like to read them.
