Hello, this is my first time reaching out for advice. Theres no one I can talk to and its the most depressing thing in the world. Lets start with basics. I am 27, in a 10 year relationship (on and off first 4 years) (not married) with a male and have a 3 year old daughter. I used to term my self Bi. I've kissed a few girls, not on dares, but for pleasure. I had one short lived relationship with a girl. It was fantastic. I was 18, and I can still remember how her lips tasted. However, the guy i'm with now talked me out of my feeling for her I guess. I was heart broken, I broke her heart, it was horrible. But he kept telling me i wasn't gay, why waste time ect ect. So I pushed all those feeling down and termed my self straight. And I have since then. I check girls out all the time. I love watching shows/movies with lesbian scenes in them. What got me questioning my feelings again was last year while working as a manager at a clothing store there was this one employee i ALWAYS wanted to work with. I wanted to be near her. I thought about her all the time. I stared at her constantly. We were good friends, but she was much younger so we never hung out outside of work (plus, it was against the rooms for a manager/employee to hang out) I knew i had a huge crush on her, but it was so stupid I thought. I was a mom, she was young and straight. It was just silly. Fast forward to now... I don't know what happened again. I just got the thoughts back in my head. Now i'm questioning everything. Am I bi, and I gay? Wth. I love my boyfriend. But I feel like we are best friends, room mates. I don't really enjoy sex. I have to psych myself up for it. We hardly kiss. And I always am finding myself making excuses to not make out, or have sex. And its been this way for quite some time. I thought I was broken for the longest time, and now I keep thinking is it just because i don't like penis? I'm so lost. theres no one I can talk to about it. It would break him up if i even mentioned any of this. And with our living situation, leaving anytime soon is out of the question. And I have a kid... thats a huge thing. And I'm rambling. Ugh.:bang::bang:
Do you feel like he tried to make you deny your feelings for women so that he wouldn't be threatened? Because that sounds like an awful basis for a relationship. I might be over reading into that section. But I wonder how he feels about your relationship as it is? Does he feel like he's not "getting enough" and worried about why that would happen? Could the two of you handle it to make it an open relationship while living together as best friends, roommates, and parents? And since you do say that you generally get along, maybe that could really work out and be something positive. It is majorly tough to be stuck in a relationship while realizing that you have no interest in sex, while your partner does. But the fact that you can still consider him like a best friend, that's good. That's something really going for you. That's something I certainly did not have with my last long-term partner, and that was awful. Best of luck to you, I hope you two can work something out.
I kind of read the same thing. A HUGE mistake that happens in so many relationships is that, often, one or both partners give up EVERYTHING that make them individuals. Only YOU, in your own heart and soul, know who YOU truly are. It may be difficult to look at it this way right now, but consider whether staying is worth sacrificing your true happiness and denying yourself an honest and fulfilling life. And whether or not you would be able to continue for the rest of your life living a life that is incongruent to your desires and emotional needs. Don't be afraid to reach out here. In some way or another many of us have been, or are, in a situation/relationship similar to yours. (*hug*)
Your post so resonates with me with some of the details changed. I'm not in a relationship but Ive never enjoyed sex with men and I am currently completely infatuated with a woman. Sometimes I just stare at her ....not in an intrusive way... just like when shes standing near me and talking so I should be listening... I'm just staring at her thinking how beautiful she is. Lots of people here in very similar situations as you may have already read. Look forward to a lot of support here, no matter what you decide to do. (*hug*)
Thank you all so much. I feel SO alone and just confused. I think he wanted me to be a certain way, and I wanted to please him (I was so young) and I was more confused then then i am now, that I just went with it. but the feelings have been so overwhelming lately. An open relationship is def out of the question, he believes in one person, that stuff is gross type thing. I guess I almost hope we just break up sometime and I can go from there. i guess i am selfish and don't want to feel guilty. It just sucks because is like an 18 year old boy when it comes to sex. He loves it, everything turns him on, he thinks I'm sexy...and i just...don't get turned on, I don't look forward to it... I just rather lay there and hang out. Ugh.
