Putting My Innocence to Death

Hello All,

It has been a long while. My world has shattered and turned upside down more times since the ending of December than I can begin to recount, let alone understand.

A friend of mine noted that my coming out tale made him think of a tale of innocence and ignorance. Well, I agreed with that summation and on a January evening shortly after arriving in Vermont I decided it was time to put my innocence to death. Things with my STBX (yes, the relationship between my spouse and I has been escalated, de-escalated and otherwise fubar-ed for some time now) were less than stellar. Our reunion (for those that remember my cross country trek back in December from Cali to VT) began with being hit and called a fag (in Hungarian) by her in front of the kids. The rest sort of began to spiral down from there.

I had had the goal of making some new friends, all be they of the rainbow tribe like me, but people to help me cope with my own life and identity changes. I went on a group outing and she was furious. I wanted to make friends, she assumed I was looking for sex. In a way I was looking for that, but with no specific time frame. Again, for those that know my stories from the fall, I had previously not been with a man (yes the tense and conjugation indeed indicate that that has changed). She said that it humiliated her. Yet, any discussion I raised of us sticking it out a while (mostly with our kids in mind) ended in her telling me so explicitly that she had no desire to be married to a gay man. That's understandable. Thus, my activities and desire to do death to my innocence amped up and went underground.

I met someone. I crossed the my first sexual threshold and was ecstatic to find I actually do enjoy having sex and am not such a dweeb in bed as I had been with my wife.

The tension didn't break at home, go figure, it escalated. I was being a "dick" more and more, which is to say, I started to build boundaries that set me off as a person who would soon be divorced. There was another nasty incident with her and my brother in law with more aggressive behavior at the end of January. I told her that I didn't think we'd be able to remain friends or even co-parents (as our plan had been) unless we separated. Unless we could somehow reframe our relationship, and I was out of ideas about how to do that in the same physical space.

She took it, chewed on it. De-friended me on FB two days before my birthday in February. On my birthday, I got a message from a friend in Hungary who told me all she was sorry for all that was going on with my family. It turns out my STBX PM-ed all of her friends, many of them mine for many years, and told the story for the first time. This was actually good in that she had not yet reached out to many for support. Yet, the tone was not at all kind. I lost friends of nearly 15 years all in an instant.

I lost my job. My partners/employers being in Hungary. I am sure you may guess my math on this one, though I'll never be able to prove it of course, and to be honest, even if I could I'm not sure I'd do anything about it right now.

Have you ever tried to market a Master of Divinity? It is not an easy task I can assure you. Have you ever tried marketing Development work when your funds are dwindling.

What followed were the darkest weeks of my life. I cried, a lot. Lost my drive, focus and ability to take a step forward.

We've now been living in separate apartments for a week and a half. The kids have begun their new lives, the lives that mirror my own experiences as the child of divorce. The one thing I didn't want them to experience. The one thing I didn't want them to endure, the one thing keeping me in my marriage, and there in, in the closet for so long.

Every time my STBX found something to use as leverage I dismantled it. My closest friends in the states also got a note on FB. She hadn't mentioned that. I came out then to all but one. Everyone else that matters to me knows. They are supportive of me, but the dynamics have changed.

I am trying to land a part time job so that the support I've received from my family is replaced before I have to waive the white flag and retreat back to Cali. I've considered that a few times. Yet, I won't leave my kids behind. I won't run.

There is one one hurdle left and I will force myself to cross it this week. I will finally tell my bishop what is going on and I'll either be allowed to resign or I'll be defrocked. I don't know which, I suspect the former, but with my streak of annihilation I'd not be surprised.

No job. No access to my pastoral career. Separated. Uncertain.

I would say that I successfully obliterated my innocence (!)

Is it worth it. Yes, for once in life I am honest. I am standing in the light. I am in a position to finally become me.

You may well imagine that I have my down days, but I'm on the mend. I feel closer to being myself. I think once I'm totally out with church and all I'll be able to truly pick myself back up. I've come to value my old friends, my family and my new friends with such hi regard.

And ladies and gentlemen, I have not even begun to fight. It is brewing. It will come. I have much to say and I am finding my voice has been freed up by having nothing to hide and no lower to sink.

I hope to be back on the forums again in the coming days. To all of those who are new, sorry to throw in so much back logged material.

Be well all of you!!