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starting a fire by myself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by StellarJ1, Apr 15, 2014.

  1. StellarJ1

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    I spoke with a therapist recently and she likened by behavior/approach to someone who is trying to start a fire in the woods by themself. Trying to unrepress myself...

    Whatever fires I seem to start for myself, in not judging myself, and trying to encourage whatever sexual/gender feelings I am having, seem to be put out(or watered down) when I spend time with people and have to open up. Im giving them a repressed version of myself, and I know that I come across as serious and sad alot of the time.

    Im afraid to act in the femme way that I often feel. Then I get lost between these identities, and so confused, angry, lonely, and sad.

    How have people crept forward or made leaps where you feel like you are able to let this person outside and free? I know that "being", instead of talking about it, is definitely the way to honor this.

    When I am around friends, I feel so locked up, even though I try so hard. I often put out these fires, which makes me think I need to spend time alone to built it up myself, but it feels like a vicious cycle.

    How does one change an approach that is bent on survival? How to replace it with health and support? My past is llttered with codependency when I open up to others.

    Confronting fear is such a lonely process.


    I often don't want to even post on EC, because I feel like am just reinforcing a story that I tell myself, which keeps me from moving forward. I want to ask for help, but I want it to be in a healthy way. I am so frigging good at tricking myself.
     
  2. Molly1977

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    Maybe part of being lost is that you are trying to be something you are not. Pushing down the real you to fit in with what other people think you should be. You say you are afraid to act femme but if that is the real you why shouldn't you share this with other people.

    Can you be youself around your friends? If they really care for you then they will accept you for who you are. If not then it will be difficult but you can then have the opportunity to find new friends. Unless you try being yourself you will never know how people will react to you.

    I have had some very religious people who I never thought would be ok with me being gay be completly accepting and some people who I thought were relaxed and hippy like me be completly stressed with the thought of being friends with a gay person so you can never know how people will react untill you give them the opportunity to see the real you.
     
  3. Richie.

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    Maybe therapy will help you. It's helping me.

    Hiding is a huge burden. You don't have to hide you choose. It's scary, be brave.
     
  4. Jezza69

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    I am touched by your story, we are all on our own journeys but one thing I do believe is that to be free from sadness, sorry and worry you have to be honest to yourself ... this is both true in life and also founded in religion (not that I am that religous myself)... the courage is deep inside us all, we just seem to have it well hidden, I know I do.

    But reading on here helps me to know that is has to be in there somewhere and the stories tell you that with that honesty come freedom

    Good luck my friend.
     
  5. Choirboy

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    Part of it is realizing that the most important person who needs to accept you, IS you. My coming out process started with just telling myself (with some uncertainty!) that I was gay and that was OK. (I won't say I fully believed it at first, but at least I owned up to it!) It's taken awhile, but I am finally at a point where I don't care who knows, and I can tell people I'm gay without being even slightly uncomfortable. I still hold back for the benefit of my wife--she is still adjusting, and I figure I owe her that much before we split.

    Therapy certainly could help. Or joining a support group--spending an hour or two now and then, in a room with random people who are there solely to be supportive is a very healing thing. And also, silly as it sounds, consciously tell yourself, regularly, and even aloud, that you are gay and that's wonderful. Hearing the words in your mind is nice, but we process and learn through all our senses. Hearing someone being supportive is often much more important than thinking it. Even if YOU are the one saying it! Buy some piece of clothing that you feel screams "I'm gay" and wear it now and then, and look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, "Looking might gay today, Stellar. I like that!". (For me it was a hot pink polo shirt!) Yes, some of it is just faking out your mind. And it's not like a switch will magically flip in your head and everything will be better. But months from now you'll look back and realize how far you have come.

    And for heaven's sake, keep posting. That's a record of your progress. I look back at some of my first posts here and it's like they were written by a completely different person. And really, in many ways, they were.
     
  6. bingostring

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    I think just realising your own flaws (whether real flaws or not - some of which you have mentioned) is a sign that you are ready to move off in a new direction.

    Some have mentioned therapy, group therapy.
    Or just hanging out with more gay people (in a non-sexual environment) would be good for you to loosen up a bit.

    And what does your cat think about this ?? :icon_bigg
     
  7. Jiramanau

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    I'm right there with you. I have one friend I'm out to, who I also live and work with. I'm just now getting to where I can joke with him about it, and he handles it well. But I have a hard time letting my flame shine even with him. When you've been denying something obvious for a long time your whole personality gets filtered through the question ''will this look/sound/seem straight?'' Because your terrified of outing yourself. And that's OK. For me the answer was a gay bar, because I was able to introduce myself while just trying to be myself and not worry about anyone noticing a difference. Also met a nice guy and had a great time, even went to his place the next weekend and had another great time. Point is try to find a situation where you can let your guard down so you can get used to living without that filter
     
  8. StellarJ1

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    Thanks. Changing the way I dress was something I did today and it gave me confidence to shine. It helps to see people react to me differently, as well, evn if it is just clothes. I got alot of compliments today and it was really me, so it felt lovely. (I also try to remind myself that I am gay all of the time.)

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2014 at 10:52 PM ----------

    Thanks. Being honest is the quickest way to account for myself, I have learned. I take a step away in any given situation and ask myself if i am being honest. It is a great way to melt away alot of the bullshit that is fighting for attention.

    I came across someone discussing being with oneself from the perspective of a 12-step recovery process. It can be hard to look at oneself with a sober, unflinching reality.
    I am disappointed in myself, but I need to accept that this is where I am. In order to go forward I have to make braver choices. There is a life out there for me where I am happy and present, but I have to accept EVERYTHING. I am ready to move forward.

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2014 at 10:55 PM ----------

    My sweet, sweet, affectionate cat has been with me for the last 12 years. I am so grateful that I have a being that I can love and loves me back, unconditionally. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2014 at 10:57 PM ----------

    I am happy that you are finding some success and being with other gay men! I hope to get there!
     
  9. rainshadow

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    I agree with you Jiramanau when you said about questioning if it will "look/sound/seem straight" lol. I've done this many times. I've caught myself doing it lately. I know I've shown a repressed version of myself many times. Out of shyness, fear of judgement, gossip, and afraid to open up. I've started with small things. When I caught myself on whether on something I did seemed "gay," I just was like, well, this is "me" this is what "I" would do. Not whether it "seemed" gay. I don't know if this helps at all. I'm still in the beginning steps of acceptance.

    Posting on here, and sharing with everyone here has helped me immensely. Knowing that there are others to talk to without fear of judgement is so wonderful. (&&&)

    Steller, I'm glad that you decided to wear what you wanted and it made you feel confident! I'm sure it feels great to be yourself. :icon_bigg
     
  10. tobeanne

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    If you are out to "some friends and a few family members" who are you not out to? Perhaps it is one or more of those individuals who is a major roadblock to your accepting yourself more completely. Sometimes you have to change your environment--though admittedly this is not an automatic fix. Good luck.