Hey Everyone, I'm at a loss for advice. I'm 34 and came out when I was younger, serve in the military and don't hide who I am but if people ask genuinely I tell them or don't make mention of it until I'm comfortable then all bets are off and jokes are flying left right and centre. I met a bloke 2 yrs ago now who is masculine and a dude how we met dosent really matter at this stage. He is 32 and grew up in the country where I'm a city boy he is not out we love each other to bits but we have a few issues. We don't go anywhere public together in our time together near where we live we have been to the pub once and out for lunch which was an hours drive up the road. We have travelled and being seen out together is not an issue. I have met his Mum is a friend capacity, I'm pretty certain she knows. Have met his Dad but he would have no idea and my dude would die if he thought he did. My bloke dosen't have anyone else to talk to other than me as we get into fights every once and a while. He is depressed and miserable,nice suggested a counsellor ( and that I would go with him) but he flat refuses. He knows it kills me that we don't have any mutual friends and conduct our selves like a regular couple. I love him to bits as he does me. He is constantly concerned about what other people are going to think and that he will have to answer questions. It's starting to get really hard for me as it feels like I am dragging a huge anchor behind me. I don't want him to ever come out unless he wants I know this can't be forced, but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this hiding and not doing normal stuff without thinking about it. I saw two guys at the supermarket the other day and I thought I want that..!!! Am I mad waiting, anyone had similar or can offer any advice for either of us ? Thanks B
If it is love.. Then worth waiting. But it sounds like he has to do some work. As may you. But if this goes on for months/years longer it could be unhealthy for both of you. Does he realise this?
Hey Bingo, He does realise that this concerns me deeply and realises it really is a shit situation. The thing that worries me is that nothing seems to change. It seems that everyone else suck him emotionally dry and he lets them but does nothing to care for himself if that makes sense.
random thoughts … I think talking more about it may help. You on EC … and you with him talking at home? He can't be happy with the situation and must realise it is a problem that needs addressing together? more extreme idea.. have you ever considered going off somewhere together for a year ??? just so you can be yourselves without hiding everything from family/ friends … and come back as a more adjusted couple
I'm at a loss hence why I jumped on here all my friends are out so there is no one in the same boat. I've suggested that I'm here and he dosen't need to do it alone, he is at times a typical Aussie bloke - bottles it all up, dosen't talk about his feelings.. I know he is miserable with his life as it is and it can be really draining at times. He did go to the Dr a few weeks back but that was just for some pills. There was no mention of doing some work to help ease the distress. I've brought him to tears on occasions letting him know how I feel and that life can be great but the ground work, personal work and him bring comfortable in himself needs to happen and the confidence will flow. Funny you mention a year away, he wants to travel for a year we have talked very briefly about it. He earns quite a bit more money than me and tends to just spend money as he has it holidays etc where I need more planning time to save etc.. I would really like to live together so we can save more money and do it together but he seems reluctant to do this. I do want to travel but I'm the methodical planner, my work can possibly allow this to happen in a few years so I at least have employment to come back to etc..
I think traveling together is a great idea, but perhaps you could start with less than a year? If he experiences the relationship, even in a week or two, then returning home might encourage him to do the work he has to do to come out and be happy with it.
We have travelled 3 times now recently as New Years and he loved it... Except for when we went for a morning walk one day and walking up a random street in Patong, Thailand and there was a chick from where we live he freaked a little otherwise it's fine.
You described him as the typical Aussie bloke and masculine and I'm guessing a lot of his issues are tied up in that perception of masculinity. For people of a certain age and outlook, the idea of what a gay man is will forever be tainted by a particular stereotype (you know the sort I'm sure). Some people really soak all of that shit up, even if they don't admit it to themselves or others, and if they have grown up or worked in an environment where certain words have been used to describe gay men the negativity gets reinforced over and over again. I don't think some people begin to realise how corrosive that can be. You said he introduced you to his Mum as a friend - how did you feel about that? You think she knows about him too - do you think she saw past the 'friend' thing... just wondering what gives you the impression she knows? Is he aware that you think this? What kind of family does he come from anyway? When we enter into a relationship I think we need to be really honest with ourselves about our wants and needs. Some things are desirable, but other things are essential. What are your essentials in a relationship? Is it essential for you to resolve this situation? Love can endure a lot of stuff, but if the two people have really opposing ideas about something the strain will tell in the end. It may be that you love him enough to stand by and support him for however long it takes - if you can, good on you. Only you know the answer to that. Where do you see things 3, 5 years from now? I've asked loads of questions and some of them seem quite deep so I'll leave it there and see what you come back with.
Agree with the first bit completely, his work demands a certain persona and traits that go with it. He would find it difficult if he came out at work and I don't see the reason to in that circumstance unless required. I'm fairly sure hugs Mum has a good idea. We broke up for a few months last year and he had her over at 1am in the morning. She is normally the only person who knows where he actually is when we go on holidays, everyone else thinks he's away with work that sort of thing. One of his sisters got a msg that was meant for me by mistake. Nothing dirty but just said I miss you my navy boy or something along those lines. The weird thing was after my last relationship that I would get to know the next fella. This didn't happen in depth at the start it was great we were new to each other. Then as we started coming out of the honey moon stage I was wanting to get out and do things camping, trips and things like that and he wasn't keen. I'm not after public displays of affection, I don't give a fuck what other people think about me and how I live my life I wish there was a way to shine a bit of this on him. Ya know it'd be nice to wake and just do whatever we wanted... Not to be worried about what other people think. I'm getting to a stage where I am concerned at the moment that we will be in the same situation 3 - 5 years from now. It just seems he won't accept or seek any help in becoming a little comfortable with himself. He tried to end his life about 10 yrs ago as he was miserable and his mum made comment that he is constantly angry and unhappy. It just kills me that there is nothing I can seem to do to help him. Your right love does endure lots but I'm finding it hard at the moment sometimes, I think we would be better of friends until he sorts himself out if the devices to do it so there is no pressure from me.
From what you've just wrote, I think you're probably right about his Mum knowing. The fact that she chose to comment to you about how he is angry and unhappy is also telling. I'm wondering if his sister would have mentioned that text to his Mum too? Could be that she is in on the badly kept secret too. How did he explain the text anyway? I can relate to a lot of the stuff you are saying as I dated a closeted guy for over two years. I loved him and I wanted to spend loads of time with him, but it was always rationed and I felt constantly at arms length. I never met any of his family. I hoped that our relationship would grow and he would gain the confidence to come out (one day), but he never showed any sign of doing that and eventually admitted to me that he never would. That was too much for me - to be told that it would never happen and it became a non-negotiable issue when I met anyone else. The fact that he has introduced you to his Mum as a 'friend' and tells her his real whereabouts is a sign of hope (it's more than I ever had). It's also telling that he had her round at 1am when you broke up last year. I think she is a key person in all of this, but how long it will take for the truth to out is anyone's guess. Should you push the issue? I'm slightly reluctant to say yes because it feels like forcing someone to come out, but it does sound like he will only be confirming something (to his Mum at least and possibly his sister). I think you need something to happen or you could just be stuck for years and that will do nothing for either of you.
Thanks for the reply mate, may have muddled my words. What his Mum said was to him and he mentioned it to me. He swore his sister to say nothing. She has a best mate who is a dyke so you would think it's all good. There are positive days and some days it just down right sucks. He really wants to get away, he mentioned it again tonight.. We'll probably have a big D & M next week as we haven't seen each other in a bit over two months as I've been away with work I'm dragging him down to an apartment on the beach not in a hotel so he can relax.. Thanks for the pearls..
