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This no sex is becoming a BIG problem

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostMyself, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Right now my partner is most proberly feeling really rejected from me.He wants to be intimate but I'm really struggling Tryingtokeepfit I get myself to attempt it I was fine until few years ago I started questioning.Now I'm only getting sexually close once a month I want to try but I just can't it's like it's going against my inner soul.I don't want to live like this I but I don't know if this is really me? I can't stop thinking try harder your going to lose this guy if you don't try harder we have our problems and maybe I am a lesbian I don't know but everytime he gets intimate with himself I feel all my emotions coming up again.I know he has a right to do these things as it's his need but I'm feeling creeped out each time I'm trying to convince myself within time I will desire and want to be sexual with him again and make it more often.Its the whole image of having sexual contact that freaks me out I feel like my body's being violated because of the pressure I have on myself and the thought of sex makes me feel eeek.You'd think after having a family I'd be use to the sex idea but I'm so damn confused about my sexuality I can't even think like a straight woman.Has anyone ever felt like they were being violated because you know that at some point your expected to be intimate with your partner of opposite sex??

    ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2014 at 09:29 PM ----------

    Sorry stupid typo was not meant to say *trying to keep fit* lol it was trying to get intimate
     
  2. tobeanne

    Regular Member

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    I've never had an experience like you describe. I've had sex when I didn't particularly want to, but my body has always taken over for my mind and done it. I think if that doesn't happen for you, something definitive has happened and maybe you should explore that issue with a therapist. I think we're prisoners of our bodies (I no longer believe in a soul) and if your body won't respond you can't force it. The best you can do is try to understand the reason and then go with it. Good luck.
     
  3. Questioning your sexauilty is a very difficult time. When I am questioning, the last thing on my mind if sex because so many factors come up (your gay - you shouldn't have sex with men, you're just using him to get off, etc). I'm also a bit fluid so I do actually enjoy having sex with my husband but its the unknown that scares me.

    When I do have sex and don't want it, yes I can feel violated - please don't do it if it makes you feel this way.

    Maybe you could try to remember what made you want to sleep with him in the 1st place? I find that when my husband and I are connecting and he makes me laugh then I will desire him. I know lately, I've been getting my desire but then ill think of a woman and I will feel cut off from and no longer want to have sex.

    I know, its so hard, this questioning period...and LOL at the tryingtokeepfit - I was trying to figure that out :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Plus don't have sex with someone if you don't enjoy it....Honestly to me it sounds like you need your space so you can figure things out.
     
  5. KyleCats

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    Yep, I know exactly what you're going through.

    In my case, since I didn't make the connection that I'm really a dude, I would try to have vaginal sex with my boyfriend(s) because I figured I was supposed to. When I didn't like it, I thought there was something wrong with me physically (and there is, but not what I thought :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: ). I thought I was deformed inside, because it's supposed to feel good and to me it always felt like I was being violated and experimented on... nothing nice about it.

    My last relationship ended about, I don't know, 9 years ago? Haven't been with anyone since. We were together for 5 years and a lot of that time I tried everything to make myself like vaginal sex. I thought I just needed to find the right position or the right lube that would tingle my senses or something - anything. After a while I had to admit I just didn't like it, and we stopped being intimate outside of kissing/cuddling and oral (which I am okay with and can actually feel good, but I was always super self conscious about that part of my body).

    But that wasn't enough for him and even though he said he understood and he didn't pressure me, I felt pressured anyway because, well, it's what you do. I think I probably made things worse by forcing myself to try to conform to something deep down I knew I didn't want. And yeah, I can relate to feeling awful and stuff when you know he's masturbating. I always hated myself when I knew he was doing it but the fear of being intimate would keep me from knocking on his door (it got to the point where we even had separate bedrooms :frowning2: )

    All I can say is, don't force it. I think it's totally normal to feel bad about it, it's just part of the process. You can try to appease him in other ways, but in my experience, it still didn't work out. It still didn't feel right. You said you have a family, I'm assuming you mean kids? That must make it so much harder. I'm sorry. I really do feel though that forcing it or pretending (I've faked SO many orgasms I should have an award) does more harm than good in the long run.

    Don't know if any of this helps at all, but at least you're not alone. Hugs for you.
     
  6. Theron

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    Well, you're questioning whether or not you're sexually attracted to him. Have you thought about whether you're *actually* attracted to women instead or are you just assuming that because you're not attracted to him that must mean you're a lesbian?

    You might be. Or maybe you're asexual and don't want any sexual contact. Would you be repulsed thinking about engaging in sexual activity with another woman? Do you think you could fall in love with a woman?

    There are asexuals who are are married to sexuals and engage in sexual activities for their partners or to have children.
     
  7. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Thankyou all I can defiantly relate to what your saying Orangelinen I can't even get myself to please him in other ways and he won't give me oral because I won't to him (guess that's fair) And by family I meant kids.We have two under 10,Browneyed Girl I don't know what made me have sex with him in the first place it I felt I was inlove I guess he was my serious bf we dated just after I finished school.I waited almost 2 years before I had sex with him we did other stuff just not sex I thought I wanted to wait until I felt 100 percent ready when we had attempted it first time I couldn't do it the thought freaked me out so much I went to a health clinic as I thought there was something wrong with my body but it came back nothing and they said it could be more psychological then anything.So I worked on trying to relax myself turn myself on we would hire porn movies buy lubes and toys it was a scary intense moment for me to get myself to do it I just thought I needed to get use to it.It wasn't until 7 years into our relationship that I had my first actual orgasm due to me finding my own g spot.I would cry during sex in the beginning with what I thought was me expressing my love but I really don't remember if that was it.I just thought what is the big deal of sex I felt no real excitement but this last year he has helped me to achieve the big O during foreplay but as soon as it happens I feel wrong inside and don't want to satisfy him I keep thinking maybe I'm just lazy.I love him and I get jealous when I see him notice other women and maybe a little excited (I wouldn't have a threesome nor would he) I haven't felt so consciously about my feelings since questioning which was almost 4 years back I would feel guilty at letting myself express excitement because Im attracted to women and was crushing over certain women and now I feel like a mute to my emotions I want to cry when I think that (I should be doing it) I'm fighting against my lazy side or closer side I don't know.Over these past years especially this year I'm noticing women a lot more I keep thinking of ways how I can meet other women to be friends with but deep down I'm hoping there gay I think I could date a woman and be happy but I don't know for certain.If I didn't have children and a partner I think I'd jump at the chance without a 2nd thought.I just can't stop testing my own reactions when I'm out and about I have to tell myself "I don't need to be looking,I don't need to prove anything to myself constantly reassuring myself its normal to find women attractive from time to time.I can't help to think its my ego side and not really me that keeps checking out a couple times I try getting direct eye contact with women to see what Im feeling I enjoy it but I know morally its wrong when I have a partner.

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2014 at 07:24 PM ----------

    So sorry that's so long :/