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Hetero sex but lesbian/gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by marie77, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. marie77

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    Hi. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian but I'm hung up on something. I always thought lesbians or gay guys never had hetero sex, or did once and went 'ew, never doing that again'. For me I didn't feel that way and I have even had orgasms with guys and everything. I even had a fuck buddy once. I guess maybe for me it was more about that's what you do if you're horny. Then there is the whole gold star lesbian thing and a thread about how you can't be lesbian if you have had sex with guys except for x y z reason.

    I'm hoping because this is the later in life forum and a lot of us have been married that there will be people here with insights. How can gay people have sex with spouses? Did you actively fantasize about being with a same sex partner? Did you have trouble getting into it? Did it meet a physical need that you enjoyed but no emotional connection?

    TIA for any responses.
     
  2. HopeFloats

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    That gold star lesbian stuff is a myth / bullshit. Even women I thought were "gold star" lesbians dated and had sex with men at some point. Even pretty butch and stereotypically looking lesbians. I went on a date with a woman who had played soccer in college and definitely presents on the more butch side. I was nervous about telling her I had been married to (and divorced from) a man. But she didn't judge me. She had been engaged to a man before coming out. And a lot of lesbians did go through a bi phase (I am not saying all bi identified people are going through a phase, just that most lesbian identified people have been with men, if they've been sexually active at all.

    I had a lot of hetero sex but I did often fantasize about women. And now that I've finally accepted myself, sex with women is so so so much better than it ever had been with men.
     
  3. tobeanne

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    Don't let labels rule (and ruin) your life. I know there's a contradiction in what I'm saying, because we all need the approval of others, at least some others. But don't let that need put you in a straitjacket. And as HopeFloats has pointed out: people who aren't honest about it use labels to hide behind.
     
  4. Ebro1122

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    Before I came out I had sex with a couple of men. I was so uninformed and sexually repressed growing up, I didn't know I was supposed to be aroused by the person I was about to have sex with. :lol: I rarely kissed them on the mouth and figured if the sex was bad (usually was) it was because the guy didn't pound me hard enough *ugh*. Everyone has different paths of discovering who they really. For many people, taking a detour into Manland helps us realize our true destination is Vagtown.:icon_wink
     
  5. marie77

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    I guess my story is a bit strange because I hit Vagtown and went back to Wienerland. This might be kind of TMI but telling these details might really help me figure things out so I guess I will go ahead.

    When I was with the couple girls I've been with, I remember feeling that lesbian 'sex' (mostly dry humping) wasn't as arousing as penetration (PIV sex) but OTOH I'm not sure that I *was* actually having sex with them. I know that I *love* kissing girls and that I really like boobs. But I'm a little unsure about vaginas. I've never gone down on a girl but I can still remember what it was like when a girl came while I was fingering her. Of the many guys I've dated, I remember having a very strong attraction for one. The way he touched me would get me sexually excited. Is that sexual attraction? If so, can't anyone make you sexually attracted to them by the way they touch you?

    I'm really struggling with sexual attraction. I'm not sure that I have felt sexual attraction for anyone really, like the way you see someone on the street and want to 'do' them. I just don't get that. I know that when I'm at certain times in my cycle I feel really horny and I want to get off, sometimes with sex. I know that I like the power of making someone really excited. Is that sexual attraction? I'm pretty sure I'm demisexual so it's really hard for me to go out on the street and find someone I'm sexually attracted to. Is it possible I could only be demisexual with men? I just don't really have thoughts about how much I want to sleep with women, especially since I'm not really sure what all that entails.

    I know that I find women a lot more physically attractive and am more attracted to their bodies than men's. I thought that was natural - aren't women's bodies more sexualized and beautiful in our culture? I guess I'm just so hung up on the 'sex' part. I wonder if I've just repressed it and why I can't just 'know'.
     
  6. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Let me just clarify what sexual attraction means: "A desire or urge to have sex with a specific person."

    It's distinct from other types of attractions, and sexual attraction is the deciding form that decides whether you are straight, gay, bi, ace, any other sexuality I'm not thinking of.

    Lets also define other attractions, the following do not have to be linked with sexual attraction:

    Sexual arousal: Having a physical reaction to seeing something sexual. It doesn't always decide your sexuality, but it depends. For example, Let's say a lesbian gets online and watches a man masturbate or have sex with other men. She gets physically aroused and gets off. This doesn't make her not a lesbian because she doesn't actually have a desire to sleep with these guys in real life. You would be attracted to men if you had the real desire to sleep with them. (Also keep in mind that rape victims also experience sexual arousal, so sexual attraction is more of a mental desire for that reason)

    Romantic orientation: Who you develop emotional feelings for. Who you desire to form relationships with. This also has nothing to do with sexual orientation. A lesbian can indeed fall in love with a man/crush on a man while still staying a lesbian as long as she has no desire to have sex with him. The reverse works too. A bisexual person for example, can be aromantic and never develop emotional attraction or have a desire for sex above the level of "It feels good/it gets me off." But what makes them bisexual is the fact that they still desire a form of sex with both sexes, even if feelings are lacking.

    Physical (Aesthetic) attraction: Finding someone good-looking/pleasing to the eye. This also has nothing to do with sexual attraction. You can find someone "hot" without ever having the desire to have sex, and you can have the desire to have sex with someone who is not good looking in the slightest. My sister is straight and she thinks women are more physically attractive looking than men. But that doesn't change her sexuality because she doesn't want to sleep with a woman. In my case, I think breasts look repulsive/unattractive. But it doesn't make me not a lesbian. Just because the top of women are not physically attractive to me doesn't mean I can't feel sexual desire for the entire thing. I also think a lot of penises are funny and good-looking (I think the same for vulvas just to clarify), but I do NOT want to touch one/have sexual desire for one. So my "aesthetic" attraction to it still makes me gay.

    The act of sex: You can still be a certain sexuality if you've had sex with someone, but It's just that the act must lack attraction. There are many reasons why a person does this. Maybe they are closeted and looking for acceptance. Maybe they are bi-curious and realized they didn't like sex with insert gender here. Maybe they sleep with a spouse (If they are asexual/gay in a straight marriage) to make them happy but don't actually have the desire to do it themselves. But once you actually literally desire sex with someone, even if It's just a casual "Let me get myself off" thing- that is sexual attraction.

    Also, let me add this. As a lesbian who can get emotionally attached to some men and even finds some men good-looking- If a man ever touched me sexually or stripped down in front of me, I would NOT be aroused/excited. I would be turned off and instantly heading for the door. That is what makes me a lesbian- the lack of desire to be sexual with a man.
     
    #6 Fallingdown7, Apr 19, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2014
  7. flatlander48

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    The point is that many of us are not 100% hetero or 100% gay. It is a continuum. And, although we may align ourselves one way or the other, given the right circumstances we may decide to cross a boundary. It's not necessarily a permanent thing, but it suited us at that point in time.
     
  8. Lipstick Leuger

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    There is no physical reason you can't enjoy sex with the opposite sex. If they rub the right spot, and you care at all for the person you are in bed with, then yes, you can enjoy sex and get off. You may not feel emotionally bonded, or feel as complete with that opposite sex person but this will probably only make you have a more difficult time with orgasm instead of being quite as excited, turned on or whatever than you would be with your same sex. If you say you are lesbian, you are one.

    I honestly cared for my ex, while he was pre-op and TG, I still had sex, I had children with him and even though I found reasons to avoid sex as much as possible, I still orgasmed. I felt empty afterwards, not as completed, but it was not really a gross out factor at first for me. After a while it became really hard for me to have sex and I didn't enjoy it.

    This is what makes it so hard to sometimes know what your sexuality is actually. We often enjoy sex with the opposite sex but until me are with the same sex, we don't realize the huge difference. We know we are not completely fufilled or avoid sex or not as attracted to the opposite sex, we may even believe that we are asexual, that we have a problem with intimacy, or sex itself. Until we get with our sex, then we realize. Sure some people know they are gay from birth and never ever experiment or are attracted tot he opposite sex, but believe me, that is not really all that common.

    I hope this helps.
     
    #8 Lipstick Leuger, Apr 19, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2014
  9. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    What I don't understand is why some people think that you need to have emotional attraction for someone during sex in order for it to fit your sexuality. Some people don't emotionally bond to anybody, but they still enjoy sex with specific genders. It just makes no sense to me because a lot of my friends are girls that desire sex with men ONLY for the "feeling", but it doesn't make them asexual or anything other than straight.
     
  10. Ebro1122

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    I just want you to sit back, relax, close your eyes and think:
    I'm feeling horny and all I can think about is sex....
    I picture a bed, dim lights and kinky toys on the dresser...
    I'm feeling sexy and I desire intimacy with my partner....
    They are behind me massaging my body and I am aroused by them...
    I turn around and lean in close to kiss them passionately....

    When you turn around, who do you see?
    Be honest with yourself and there might be your answer.
     
  11. Agaetis Byrjun

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    This really describes my experience too. Good to know I'm not just some kind of freak. I see so many people online who knew they were gay from the time they were fourteen, or twelve, or six, it's easy to start feeling doubtful and insecure.