Help please. Can I marry a women and be happy ?

It really depends if you fall in love with a woman or not. You could fall in love with a woman... or, a man. Only time will tell.

My advice is to not worry about marriage now, let the chips fall where they may.

 

Absolutely take your time before getting into a serious relationship and definitely before getting married. I'd be inclined to suggest that even f you're feeling certain that the woman you're interested in will be the one for the rest of your life still be honest about how you got to that point and that you have bisexuals fantasy at least. Let her make an informed decision about the relationship.

 

No matter your sexuality, if you have doubts you should not marry. Period.

If you are gay, it doesn't matter how much you don't want to be; you are. You can try to make yourself act like you're not...but read the forums here...it's been tried again and again...I strongly advise that you not risk making the same mistakes others here now regret.

It's possible that you are bisexual. Sexual experimentation with women would tell you something about that...and go ahead. But marriage goes far beyond that. Personally, I feel that if you have such strong attractions to men, you shouldn't marry without telling the woman you're marrying about those attractions. Those attractions almost certainly aren't going away...not for long, anyway.

 

Ok then, at 15 you're still going through a lot of changes. Take your time to figure out what you're really looking for in a relationship. Keep an open mind, you could find that in time you're leaning toward a relationship with a guy. Take a good look at yourself before trying to ignore that. Accepting yourself as gay is not easy, it took me 23 years and a 19 relationship with my wife before I came to terms with the fact that I have always been gay and always will be. If you are bi and romantically attracted to a woman, still be honest with her before marriage about your feelings. As long as she accepts you as you are then go ahead.

 

James, you have a whole lot of time before you need to worry about a relationship! By all means, take your time and think about your orientation and what you really want before making any decisions that could affect anyone else. You owe it to yourself and anyone you become involved with.

I had some of the same struggles you're having. Crushes on girls (or what I interpreted as crushes--they were probably more like obsessions for one reason or another); feelings for guys that I couldn't or wouldn't understand; hopes for the future that didn't really fit in at all with not being 100% straight. You're lucky, though; when I was going through all that :***: years ago, there was no one to talk to and bounce my thoughts off of.

Give yourself time to think, without worrying about what the future may or may not bring. The things that concern you at 15 are very different than the things that will concern you at 18 or 25 or 30. You will have many new experiences that will help you make decisions about what your orientation might be, and you will find people who will inspire you, or interest you, or like you. The important thing is to keep your mind open to the possibilities, and not assume that things have to be the way you always expected they would be. Being who you are inside is the best thing. Figuring OUT who that is can be tough, but listen to your heart and give yourself the time to figure it out, and be open to what you find. You will be much happier that way.

 

The advise you've gotten here James is spot on. Please do not try to fit a round peg in a square hole...it aint going to work. Many of us tried and here we are posting on EC at advanced ages. You need time (to figure it out) and honesty (to accept what you figure out). Make the right choice and you will have a happy and fullfilling life.

 

I've been married for 20 years, and I have 2 teenage daughters. I was very attracted to my wife at the start, but to be honest with you, I really was very desperate to get married and have kids so I could have a "normal" life, and when she showed an interest in me, it made me think that I could just put all the gay thoughts behind me. In the end, though, I couldn't, and it just wasn't something I could keep going. I always felt that something was missing from our relationship, and over the years I got progressively more and more depressed, gained weight, lost interest in many of the things that had given me joy, because I was shutting down feelings that were very much a part of who I was.

I had a few changes in my life a couple years ago that made me re-think the decisions I had made, and I started realizing that I should have just come out years before. So I started talking to a few people, joined EC, and eventually came out to my wife and daughters. It wasn't an easy thing to do, and I really did pull the rug out from under my wife. She knew that we had problems in our relationship, but having her husband actually come out to her as gay was not what she had expected. It wasn't something I did to hurt her, but she still sees it that way. It was definitely unfair to her, though.

We're moving towards ending our marriage, but we may be able to keep the friendship that started us off. My daughters have been accepting, and I'm very glad I have them in my corner. And I've met a guy who makes me feel all the things I thought I was supposed to feel for women, which has made me realize that if I had any doubts about being gay before, they are totally gone now.

So that's my story, and it's why I have to say that it helps to think things through. Who you are deep inside isn't going to change, and I know I'm much happier since I accepted that. It was a scary thing to do (especially at my age--my girls are 13 and 16, after all, same age group as you!), but I already know that I will be a better person, a happier person, and one who is a lot better able to love people.

John

 

I definitely knew I was very turned on by guys, but I was also very turned on by her as well. Part of it was probably the excitement of someone actually trying very hard to catch me! I wasn't used to women taking any real notice of me in that way.

At your age, I definitely was interested in guys--checked them out in the locker room and so one--but wasn't as physically interested in the girls. I had some girls that I got very strongly emotional over, but never thought of them in terms of having sex.

When my wife and I were first getting together, I had a stash of gay porn that I still watched regularly, and while I definitely enjoyed sex with her, the gay porn made me feel something entirely different. I really thought the I was bisexual, because I felt like there was no way I would be able to do anything with her if I was 100% gay. And I never had to imagine myself with a guy to make things work between us, but after awhile I just lost interest. So I suppose that while I was able to function for awhile as straight, it really wasn't what I was.

I'm no real expert in bisexuality, but from what you describe, I'd say you sound like you're more in that group than just gay or just straight. (Not that many people really are 100% anything, anyhow). But that makes it even more important that you don't commit yourself to saying you are one thing or another, or deciding that you HAVE to live your life as either gay or straight. It's a very personal thing, and until you are more comfortable, there's no reason to think you have to "declare a major", so to speak! At 15, you can go out with girls or guys, alone or in groups, and see if that helps you sort out what you feel.

I would say, don't burden yourself by thinking in terms of a wife and kids or anything like that. 15 is way too young to put yourself through that, and it will keep you from being really honest about what you feel. Talk to a counselor at school if you have one you are comfortable with, and really, just live a normal teenage life and give yourself time to just figure out who you are. You're very lucky to be living in a time (and hopefully a place) where there are resources and people who will listen without judging. Many of us didn't have that. And keep bouncing your thoughts off of people here. We're good listeners AND good talkers, and we really do care, because we all have had our own experiences, and we want to help others from reliving our mistakes. (*hug*)

 

James, I never thought I'd see the day, but it has come. Reading your first post took me back to when I was your age. I kid you not--I asked myself the same questions you are asking yourself. Here I was, beating off to mental images of men, but I could watch straight porn and be turned on by the woman. For me it was the boobs! I liked a nice set of good old fashioned bra fillin' boobs! Like you, it seemed that the physical attraction towards men was stronger, but the emotional attraction towards women was stronger! I didn't know what I was going to do. For a while I played around with transsexuals, thinking I was getting the best of both worlds. But I finally realized that there was something I wanted more than being with a man or a transsexual--I wanted children.

Keep in mind that this was 31 years ago, and things were different back then. There simply was no such thing as two men getting married and one or both of them making children through a surrogate mother. So, I decided that I liked women enough to get married to one.

I found a good one too! I was totally up front with her about my peepee lovin' ways, and she was totally cool with it. We ended up making four children together and have been married for 27 years now.

I wish I could tell you that everything's been peachy in this marriage, but some things began to change about ten years ago. I got to the point that I couldn't have sex with her at all without thinking about a man. I started feeling very dissatisfied with our sex life. She was fine with me going out and finding a guy to play with every now and then, but I started wanting more from men than to just get off with them. It was a slow process in getting there, but I finally realized about a year and a half ago that I want a real relationship with a man. Being gay in a heterosexual marriage just doesn't work for me anymore.

So, I am in the process of coming out completely. I feel as if I've done a good job raising my children. Our marriage has lasted longer than many others, but it's time for the marriage to end so I can be free to be the gay man I've always been.

So......what am I saying to you? I'm saying that it's possible for you to have a successful marriage with a woman, but you have to be up front with her from the start. None of this sneaking around to get some ding ding on the down low. Also, you need to understand that your needs will change as you get older. You may find that you too will no longer be satisfied with being with a woman when you get older. I'm not saying it will definitely happen that way, but just know that it can happen that way.

Oh, one more thing. Don't try to figure out the rest of your life right now. You're young and have plenty of time to find out what works for you when you get a little older. Hope this helps.

 

Well, everyone is different, and like I said, things change as we get older. I started off liking white women and eventually migrated over to black women. I'm Hispanic, but hispanic women and men do little for me. The men who turn me on are mainly white, but every now and then a light skinned black guy can get my attention. I still think a nice set of hooters on a woman is an asset, but I'm not really turned on to them to the point of them making me want to have sex. As for porn, I quit watching straight porn several years ago.

The thing about sexuality is that it's more of a spectrum rather than an either/or situation. Imagine a horizontal line. On each end of that line place a dot. One dot is completely heterosexual, the other dot is completely homosexual. Researchers have found that it's rare to find people who are completely one dot or the other. The overwhelming majority of us fall somewhere in between those two dots, regardless of what we may say. The way I see your situation is that you recognize that you fall into that spectrum somewhere, but you can't quite figure out exactly where. Are you more straight than gay? Are you more gay than straight? Do you like each equally? Why can't you figure it out? It's all perfectly normal for someone at your stage of development.