Coming out to others when I am still figuring out my hetero marriage. Experiences?

Re: Coming out to others when I am still figuring out my hetero marriage. Experiences

My wife and I are still somewhat in transition. I accepted being gay and told a few co-workers about a year and a half ago, not knowing what the next step might be. Told my wife last September, as well as my older daughter, and have ticked off a few more people along the way since, including both of my sisters and my other daughter.

My original plan was just to divorce her and save the big reveal for some time in the future, but that seemed dishonest. Besides that, we have had many difficulties in the past, largely caused by her emotional issues, and it didn't seem right to not tell her why I was leaving, because her immediate assumption would have been that she was a bad person, it was all her fault, etc. etc. My hope was that by telling her and STAYING, with the understanding that it was not a permanent thing, she would start to get her act together and build some kind of support network before I came out more completely. It also would give me time to do what was best for our children and for her, since I'm the only one with a real paycheck, and our financial situation is pretty bleak.

It hasn't exactly worked that way. She was largely in denial for months and only recently has started asking questions and thinking (well, panicking, really). In the meantime, I have found myself coming out to more people, becoming very comfortable with saying I'm gay, and have stumbled into a wonderful relationship with someone I could see myself spending my life with. Our paths are not particularly well synced up at this point!

The positive thing is that my work life is very much separate from my home and hometown life, so I can be much more "out" at work than I am in my hometown. It's been very helpful, and I find it's given me a lot of strength to be able to be more honest about my orientation, even if it's only in a portion of my life. Most of our friends at home are her friends, so I'm leaving the timing of the reveal to her, although frankly, I'm getting very tired of hiding. That, more than anything else, is something you might want to think about. After spending my entire adult life burying the fact that I was gay, telling a few people has really set me down a slippery slope. In a very, very positive way, to be sure! I am unbelievably happy that I finally did this. But the more people who know, the less inclined I am to NOT tell people, particularly since getting into the relationship. (I defy you to be in love with someone and not tell anyone!)

My hope is that for my wife's sake, having the news gradually leak out here and there may soften the blow for her a bit. Having the town buzz for weeks because I left her, presumably "for another guy", even though it would have happened with or without the other guy, might be less painful than having people know that we're working things through in the interests of family and friendship, but that the end will come when we're ready for it.

I have some hopes for the friendship part. My wife is a difficult person but she is much easier on her friends than on her family members, who always seem to be expected to live up to impossible standards. And while she knows a lot of people, she doesn't have many very close friends, so it's my hope that we might end up with some semblance of a friendship in the end. We have a 20-year marriage and a 25-year relationship between us, and two children. I don't think you can go wrong trying to be fair and considerate, assuming your husband is willing to reciprocate (many spouses are definitely NOT). And everyone's experience is different, so listen to him and listen to your heart. You can figure out the right thing to do.

 

Re: Coming out to others when I am still figuring out my hetero marriage. Experiences

It's so nice to hear that you and your husband are getting along so well. I am married also. My husband has been incredibly supportive in spite of all the hurt. We are trying to make it work but I don't know what the future holds. At the very least we will be together for a few years longer. No matter what we want to remain friends. At the moment I am only out to him and my therapist. He has said that we can tell our close friends that we are in a mixed orientation marriage. I'm not ready for that though, not yet anyway. I don't have any advice on when/how you should come out because I struggle with that as well. I just want you to know you're not alone and your husband sounds a lot like mine. Has he heard of the straight spouse network? That has been really helpful for my husband. He's found a lot of support there.

 

Re: Coming out to others when I am still figuring out my hetero marriage. Experiences

Hi Valerie, my experience my help. I'll jump to the end first. My ex and I are great friends. The divorce was final almost a year ago.

I came out first to her, then two days later we dropped this evil bomb on the kids. We proceeded then to make a series of visits to friends and family wherein we explained that we were getting a divorce and that I was gay. It was a rip-the-band-aid strategy. In hind sight it worked very well. No rumors, no secrets, just put it out there. I'll say that those meetings, that month, were horrendously gut wrenching, but it got done. It was definitely harder on her than me. She endured shame and deep sadness very publicly. I was mostly ok with being the evil bastard because I was just trying to survive. After that there were some very, very difficult times between us, but we got through it. Overall, she understood that our situation was unfixable. We're in a much better place now; we're both committed to the wellbeing of the kids. I'm a long way from moved on, but each day is a little better and I think this nightmare played out as well as it could have.

I wish you well. This stuff is hard.