I'm not sure what's going on inside me since seeing a counsellor twice already about my issues with questioning my sexuality these past 3 years I'm starting to feel like I'm losing myself since opening up.I don't know if I'm going through a denial stage or trying to bargain with my life since my partner and I have two small children I can't stop thinking maybe I just need to try harder just really really try harder to make this relationship work the lack of sex comes from me I just can't get myself back to where I was before questioning.I told my partner I need space from sex which his respected to some extent but I still feel like I should just do it to put some calmness in our life.Im hoping with him giving me space sexually that maybe I will desire him and actually have sex more then once a month.Im trying to go with the flow of things and maybe just accept that I have an attraction towards women and try to just live with that without being intimate with a woman.I love him and care for him I just don't feel drawn to him emotionally nor very sexually.He is attractive and a good father to our kids but I don't feel that connection wih him like I want to feel with someone.When I think about trying harder part of me I think has given up but I tell myself you got to try for the kids sake and also that his family are the only loving family I've ever really known and I'm afraid of losing that for something I'm so unsure about ie sexuality.I have been distancing myself from friends And family so if and when I come out(if I am a lesbian) I don't make it harder on myself by becoming close to them because I know they won't understand and they will side with my partner and think I'm the bad guy.They have made some homophobic comments about gays in past it freaks me out and they are all very family orientated.Family always comes first despite relationship problems.I just think it's easier me not getting too close since if this is my path their all going to feel betrayed by me.When I'm around them his family our mutal friends I feel like a fake and start questioning am I really going to do this? Maybe I just have some self esteem issues? I hate feeling this way and find it so hard to live in the moment cause I'm keeping a dark secret.I begin to think maybe I just contuie to keep this feelings in my mind to myself they might just go away?
I just wanted to let you know I read your post. With a few nuances I am in a similar position with emotions and coming to terms with who I really am, so I can't offer any insight. Writing helps me a lot also. It also gives some perspective when I look back to see how far I have come. One thing I do know is that it never really goes away. I have had a few days of respite from constant thoughts of my love interest, but its never gone.
You are probably having all those stages(fear, denial, bargaining), which is not unusual. Keeping things a secret will not make them go away for you. It will manifest itself in different unhealthy ways. You have talked to a counselor 2 times in the last 3 years about questioning your sexuality? Have you told anyone else?
I see a counsellor once a fortnight I've seen her twice already she doesn't deal with lgbt issues specifically but is trying to help me connect more within myself whatever that means she works with people with anything but is there more to listen.I feel I always need confirmation of who I am.Ive always lived under the wing of my partner so trying to be my own person is difficult.I try opening up to him but he is iggnorent when it comes to sexuality he looks at everything different no compassion lacks emotion quite negative person so trying to figure myself out is difficult.I don't trust my inner voice I'm scared of making a huge huge mistake.So trying to work on me I know saying that makes me sound like I'm in the closet but that's how I feel.Feeling like I can't make me happy
I think talking to a counselor is on the right track. It sounds like opening up just those 2 times has had a big effect on your life. I would do more of that. It sounds like you are seeking a steady diet of support for everything you are wrestling with, and that isn't going to be possible unless you can actually be real with someone about your feelings. It's great that you are starting to do that here! I think it would be pretty powerful if you could do that consistently with a therapist. I would also consider one that handles LGBTQ clients. Can you make that happen? Thinking about it in your head can only help so much. Making little choices, like making an appointment with a therapist to be honest, (and then physically going there), are the concrete decisions that our inner voice starts to respond to.
