A little info about myself. I'm a mum of two under 10 and have been with there father for 11 years first love.From the moment I met him I knew I was bi but never been with a woman when I had my first child at 22 I never thought about my sexuality again until i had my 2nd child just over 3 years ago when I found out it was pregnant planned pregnancy I was having same sex attractions I started freaking out and even considered not having the baby as awful as it sounds but I'm so glad I didn't do that.So I've been questioning my sexuality for over 4 years but it's been getting worse.i feel like I've been robbed of being a better mum because I've been so obsessed about who I am it's draining.My sex life has decreased a lot due to me feeling guilty about these feelings so I space myself from my partner sexually.over past 6 months I've been having sex once or twice a month I had myself tested twice in 2 years after my partner complained about me saying I need my hormones checked doctor told me that there's nothing wrong but it could be pyscological I started thinking I wasn't like this until questioning.This questioning came from after for god knows why but I started having online emotional affairs with women I only wanted to connect with women emotionally as friends online but it soon became more then that and I have no idea what actually drew me to that point.Its been a living nightmare in my head with guilt I don't know why I can't just accept I have attractions towards women and leave it as that.last night I woke up from a dream that I wanted sex from my partner well that I actually felt horny but in my dream I was trying to make a guy jealous cause he was weird and gross.He has liked me since we were kids but I never did though at 9 he showed me his penis as I was curious but I remember me being grossed out by it.so I hàve no idea why I was trying to make him jealous after not seeing him for 10 years in my dream I was just horny wanting to get off by my partner but no real desire I woke up from the dream as my partner was going to work kids were still asleep so I drifted off again and this time I had a dream of a beautiful Latino lady who was coming onto me I felt very aroused by the way she was looking at me though I think her breast were fake I was touching them and wanted to make love to her because I felt attracted to her but then her bf comes over and tries touching me I was scared and didn't want him at all and the only way I was going to be àble to be with her was if I was with him.I told her no I'm not wanting to be with him as well and she said if I can't then we couldn't so I left and remember seeing her downstairs at an apartment I lived upstairs not in real life so not sure where that even come from.We would flirt with each other but when our partners were near we would not even acknowledge each other she wanted me and I so desperately wanted her.thinking back last night is watched briefly a show on utube of a guy picking up women I don't know why but I was curious to if it work but these women looked like bimbos def not my type.Do you think there's a link to my dreams and sexuàlity?? I don't dream often but when I do it throws me completely off track I've been trying to focus on my life more and not figure stuff out so not sure if it's repressing dreams I'm having or what.
I can relate to the dreams and over time they have increased and intensified making me want to be with a woman in real life even more. Sometimes I even cry when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. When I first wake up I feel very happy and it feels great, but then i realize it's a dream and the happiness quickly turns into sadness. It really does throw you for a loop. Sorry I don't really have any advice.
I can also relate to the dreams. When I'm thinking a lot about being with a woman or I am lonely I get dreams of being with a girl (not really sexual) more emotional and the feeling is so intense. How do you feel about your dreams in real life? I can also relate to feeling like you can't be a good mom while feeling like this. I completely understand and my last one was planned as well and I even considered ending the pregnancy. I have been in a rut for 2 years now. I find that when I'm out and about/working my thoughts aren't as intense. Right now, I'm home with the kids and I literally feel like I'm in a white box sometimes. I'm also fluid with my sexuality which can get confusing. Have you ever tried meditating?
I often try to interpret my own dreams. If that was my dream I'd probably think that the dream suggests: Making someone else jealous: I'm probably lacking a strong sense of self-worth. I should work on gaining confidence in myself. Seeing a friend from my past: I was happier in those days than present times because things were much simpler and carefree. Maybe I should consider looking this friend up and reconnect with him? Flirting: I'm in need for intimacy and affection. (Who am I flirting with, what gender? How does it make me feel?) Flirting but not even acknowledge each other when our partners are near: I don't want anyone, especially my partner, to know. Seeing breasts: I'm in need for security and care. Breasts can also indicate sexual arousal and raw energy. Being horny: It's been a while since I was last with someone. I may have repressed feelings about sex. I'm dissatisfied with my sex life with my partner. (I'd pay attention to the gender of all the people involved in my dream, who did I desire and who I didn't?) One last question. Imagine you have no partner and no children, how does it change? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? How does it make you feel?
Dreams can come from our thoughts or things that have happend to us or even films or books we have watched or read. Also it is believed that dreams can come up from our buried wants/needs/past hurts and life experiences that we have suppressed and pushed away because they are too traumatic to deal with. They can come up in all types of ways, as in dreams, or depression without a trigger or even physical bad health and addiction. I have been through what you are going through, its like a flipping roller coaster of do,don't, can, can't, in, out........... it started to really wear me down. So I did something about it, I ended my marriage. I had other issues too that helped me make that decision (he cheated on me) but constantly wondering about who I am and not having that real space to find me made me depressed. So now I am free to really find out who I am (not openly, as in out the closet) but I don't have that partner now to worry about or feel guilty about. It is freeing, but also scary at the same time. xx
Paris to your question I think I'd try being with a woman.Ive been so curious for so long if I didn't choose this path and I was at this stage now questioning I would defiantly follow my attraction I don't know if I'd be happy as I've never been with a woman but when I do think about it I feel excited about the thought I think the coming out would be a struggle as I'm a people pleaser always put others first and not trusting my own feelings.thankyou to all that commented its giving me insight into the unknown of my subconious.
Yes, coming out wouldn't be easy but, on the other hand, the current situation you're in doesn't seem much better, does it? I think you should understand that there's not a win-win solution. You can wish to go back to the state of mind before you started questioning your sexuality but, from my own experience, I'd say it's very unlikely going to happen. It's great that you're seeing a counselor, she should be able to make you see things from a different perspective, help you build up confidence and trust your feelings. Do you have any friend who you can open up to about all of this? I can see on myself how all the constant stress and fear have been affecting my health already and I think that being able to speak about stuff is more than beneficial. I really wish I could help more.(*hug*)
