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Gay man facing choices.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Xtian99, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. Xtian99

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    45 year old gay man confronting a choice between two paths for the future, due to my psychological makeup. Welcome input from anyone else who has felt this way.

    A) cultivate a life alone, cultivate solitude, consciously build a life that I can enjoy, that will be tinged with occasional loneliness (but lean into that and learn to accept it) - be the architect of my own future (Danger: being one of those people who people say has "given up love, lost hope, keeps themselves apart from the world, is "shut off", etc.)
    or
    B) go on hoping for more, hoping for love, being open to people, loving and then losing it all, time and time again, as is the case for so many of us. (Danger: my make up does not handle the loss of love well; anxiety, depression, loss of hope, "what's the point of going on? whats the point of life" etc. Crippling and terrifying really because i just wasnt sure id make it through.

    So perhaps better to just choose choice A, because i am not sure how many more choice Bs i can or want to put myself through, or that i can mentally handle. I am ok now, but recent break up leveled me for six months or so. I have come to understand why certain people "opt out" of it all and choose to just live alone. Maybe for some of us who do not cope as well as others it is the best choice to avoid further misery. Maybe it is a defense mechanism and a way to live a long life at a happy baseline instead of a shorer life of intense highs then intense, crippling lows.

    But begs the question - will I then become that 50 or 60 year old gay guy that I myself used to see when i was 25, who is alone and whose dog is his life and who made sad because i wished he had someone to love. And at 45, do i care? it is the difference between someday saying "oh dear all the best years are gone and i am all alone" vs. saying "well i am alone but at peace, no more misery, heartbreak, disappointment or planning a life that then falls apart"
     
  2. Molly1977

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    Go on hoping for love. Meet as many gay people as you can, make friends and be as happy as you can. If you are open to the possibility of love then you are giving it a chance, if you close yourself off and choose to be alone then noone will ever get the opportunity to fall in love with you.

    I'm not sure people really do "opt out" of love, but people do close themselves down and don't invite the possibilty of love. Make friends, be yourself and be happy and friendly to everyone you meet. Finding a relationship and love really is about practising being a loving friendly person. If you are good to yourself and those around you one day someone you meet will develop into a relationship. This will happen when you least expect it, you will just get so used to meeting people and being friendly and approachable someone will see what a nice person you are and fall in love with you. The worst thing you can do is give up, you will only make yourself miserable.

    Don't go looking for love just be open to the possibility of it happening.
     
  3. BookDragon

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    Question: Have you tried approaching relationships from a different angle.
    I could be way off base here so if I am feel free to ignore me.

    It sounds like when you get in a relationship you want it to work out in the end (go figure we all WANT that), this is made clear by the fact that you are now looking to opt out of the whole thing. You look to the future a lot.

    It seems you are always looking for how it will end. Either you break up or someone dies.

    I'm just wondering how much time you spend thinking about the 'goal' at the end of the relationship to the detriment of the present.

    Rather than looking for the thing that will work forever, have you tried approaching it from the perspective that you CAN enjoy something and it doesn't have to last forever. You know it will end eventually because either it won't work or someone will die, so stop thinking about it. I know, easier said than done, but it's all I can think of off the top of my head!¬
     
  4. Choirboy

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    Well, I'm pretty new to this, having spent 20 years in a straight marriage and only recently started coming out. But I'd say your options actually lie somewhere between the two.

    My goal in coming out was really just to be the person I had never allowed myself to be. I was not looking for a relationship of any kind, and really, I just wanted to dig deep into my soul and allow the guy who had burrowed into the ground in the cellar of his closet decades ago to see the light of day at last. I was expecting your option A, because my emotional makeup is a lot like yours, and option B seemed pretty threatening, especially for someone my age. But I did allow myself to be much more out with people about who I was, and what I thought and felt.

    It didn't quite work out that way, as it happens, and I ended up winning some cosmic relationship lottery that I didn't even realize I had a ticket for. That's not bragging or anything. But it is a testament to the fact that being honest and open about who you are, no games, no deceptions, just you, can be very attractive.

    The gay closet isn't the only closet around. You don't say how long you've been out, but I get the impression it may have been a while? My closet was built, not only out of fear of being gay, but out of expectations of what my life should be (as opposed to what it could be), what I thought I wanted vs. what I thought people wanted me to be, anxiety, insecurity etc. You might be keeping yourself in a closet of sorts, even though you're out. One of the first things that happened when I accepted I was gay, not really all that long ago, was that I realized that I didn't need to be as bound by other people' expectations as I used to be. Granted, I still have two teenage kids to support and interact with, and a wife who is still coming to grips with the fact that she will eventually not have me at her beck and call (another story!), but I felt like I could finally work on building my own future. You can do that too (and you have several fewer hurdles than a lot of us here do!). Good luck!
     
  5. Xtian99

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    Molly1977- thank you!

    ElliaOtaku- understand your (very good) point and I have had love that ended peacefully and we are still friends, just grew apart and recognized that. So those were easier to accept. But I guess I look to the future more as I get older because the future is now, and the track record is what it is- not very good!

    Your post made me think of something that I omitted to say, and I think my "omission" says it all really, in terms of my not really acknowledging it. This will sound awful but bear with me - the ones who have hurt most were broken people in some way who could not love, and it felt like such a failure on my part when my love wasn't enough for them and when my love didn't make them happy/feel better in life. Makes me think I am choosing people who cannot truly love and then being surprised/hurt when it all goes bad.

    As for living in the now - agreed it is hard to do given our hopes and dreams, When i met my ex he was such an unhappy man from an unhappy background. I used to love the fact that I made him smile and laugh and I looked forward to a future showing him happy, a happy home, a happy life, happy christmases and experiences that he had never had- and to showing him every day that he was loved.

    I guess i just wonder whats the point if you don't think of the future- then its just casual "whatever" with someone and I am not much for casual things. Im either in it or I am not.
    So maybe i have more issues than I thought!!! LOL
     
  6. OGS

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    I guess I'll just echo what others have said and go with all of the above. Cultivate a life alone, not because that's the goal, but because that's the current situation. But cultivating that life would only involve really being alone if that was what you naturally desired and it's obvious from your post that it isn't--so fill your life with interesting people. Try to stay open to a relationship, but also build a life for yourself filled with friends and interests. It's the best way to actually find a long term relationship in my opinion--but it has to be genuine, build up your life because it's your life, not as some sort of man-trap nor as some sort of substitute for a man.

    I think ElliaOtaku also has a really good point--try to be a little more in the moment. Enjoy the men (and women) around you now, not for the happily ever after they may offer down the road but because they are here today in your life. It almost seems like you feel that relationships that end weren't worth it. First, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself and the other party. Second, it may mean you're missing a lot along the way. I've had relationships that ended--but I honestly don't think I've had a bad relationship, a couple that ended badly but they were wonderful along the way. Some of them lasted months, some years, frankly there's a week in Puerto Vallarta that I still remember fondly:lol:--and then there's my current partner of 16 years whom I love with all my heart.

    On a side note, I'm not sure the problem you are having is a gay problem. I had a conversation with two of my coworkers the other day. One divorced for a couple years, one married a couple years who just had his first child--both straight. I was floored when they both agreed that they would never re-marry, neither of them out of some sort of loyalty to their wife or ex-wife, but because it had been so hard, so all-consuming that they were both confident they would never do it again. When I expressed my surprise at this the both were like, so say your partner (whom they both know) died or you broke up, surely you wouldn't just go find another one? But, you know, I would. My husband is my whole world--we've built a beautiful life together and for each other. And if something happened and it ended there would be a tiny hole in my soul that would never heal--and then I'd find someone else to share the beautiful life I've built with. I would want to share my life and I am confident that someone--not wonderful in exactly the same way as my husband, but wonderful in some other way--would want to share it.

    Build a life you want to live and be open and I firmly believe someone will want to live that life with you.
     
  7. Xtian99

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    OGS agreed- its not a gay straight thing but a universal for all- a kind of "love fatigue" where after enough bad you just don't want to deal with it any more and being alone looks easier, or after you had had good you think "oh god do i have do this this all over again"

    thanks to everyone for great comments- lots to think about.
     
  8. BookDragon

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    I guess i just wonder whats the point if you don't think of the future- then its just casual "whatever" with someone and I am not much for casual things.

    Is it though?

    Have you ever had a hobby?

    About what...5 years ago maybe...I went to a place called West Stow Anglo Saxon Village. It's a theoretical recreation of a group of saxon houses. History is my jam, so I love going there.

    Anyway, on this trip I was suprised to find out that there were a society of reenactors present. They were dressed in authentic costume giving talks about saxon life and showing off various skills.

    I was there for hours before I eventually spoke to one of them and found out who they were.

    Anyway within the week I was in contact with my local group and I joined up. I did my first show where not a lot happened then a few weeks later we did a bigger show.

    This time we went to a place called Castle Rising. We camped in the grounds next to the castle and during the day we put on talks and displays.

    Now during the first day of that show I was introduced to the combat system. We put on combat displays. First and foremost we think about safety (because we are whacking each other with bits of metal and it can be really dangerous) but also there is a VERY high level of competition. We all want to win.

    My first time doing a combat display and I'm fighting with people who have been doing it for 10+ years. It's scary stuff. The most fun I've ever had in my life, but it's scary and it hurts!

    Anyway, by the end of about 3 hours of being beaten repeatedly I don't think I'd manage to 'beat' anyone. I had a spear and shield, they had axes and swords and spears and far more knowledge of how to use them.

    The next day they showed me how to use a short knife. This time I beat people. Three hours more of beatings, my body more bruise than anything else, a shattered thumbnail and a bloody nose later and I'm laughing my head of. I literally cannot stop smiling. I'm still being thrashed by everyone else but I am getting SOME kills here and there.

    I've been doing that for 5 years now. I'm getting better. Now we will regularly meet up with other groups. We are a national society with different groups all over the place. I could tell you right now who the BEST people in the society are at different weapons and styles. I know I'm not as good as them.

    Now in this instance, you could say my goal would be to be the best at at least one weapon. Perhaps in my position people want to be 'the best' at combat.

    Thing is, I don't care. Sure it will be fantastic if one day I AM the best in the society, and it could happen. With time and practice it could definitely happen. BUT that is not what is important to me.

    What is most important is the fact that every time I go out and do combat stuff I come away beaten to hell and with a smile that lasts for a week. Sometimes I get better, sometimes I feel like I'm the worst fighter in the world.

    The point is, I COULD look at the end goal, but I'd ignore the fun of actually DOING it. The reason I'm telling you this is because you don't have to see relationships as a casual thing you don't care about just because you're not looking at the goal. They can still be important, they can mean the world to you and make you incredibly happy, but it doesn't have to be about what happens in the end!

    We all want our relationships to go somewhere, to reach the goals we set for them, of course we do, but sometimes we get so focussed on getting to that goal (or so scared that we won't) that we completely forget to enjoy the relationship in the first place!
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC!

    I guess I would ask whether there is an opportunity to work on "your psychological makeup" rather than take it as given. If you are dating the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, then it isn't surprising that things don't work out.

    I think the other advice you've received is good though. Make the most of your life on your own - and you'll attract the kind of person that you want to invite into it. That person will also have a fulfilling life that you will enter into as well.
     
  10. bingostring

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    I am in the same boat… but my first reaction was that I think "option A" [giving up and settling for a single life] is just as likely to lead you to depression than Option B …

    and the potential rewards of Option B are worth trying for - however rocky the ride!! But thats just me...
     
  11. FreeRico

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    I'm still trying to figure out how cultivating a life alone can equate to cultivating a life of solitude. The former brings up images of people like my sister, who has never been married but has a full and active life filled with friends and activities she dearly loves. The latter conjures up images of someone sitting at home with nothing to do but be depressed and unfulfilled.

    In my opinion, you can do both A and B as long as you leave that solitude stuff out of the equation. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. Find people and things that you enjoy. Make a life for yourself that is centered on happiness that doesn't require the presence of a lover, boyfriend, romantic interest, or whatever you want to call it; but at the same time keep yourself open to the possibility of finding someone special to share your life with. If your happiness hinges on having that special someone, then, in my opinion, you're using the wrong hinge.
     
  12. Iowan1976

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    I am going to echo your last sentence. I think that is key. You need to be happy with yourself. Develop interests that you want to do. Have a job that you want to have. Have hobbies that you enjoy spending time on.

    The more life I life the more I think about relationships, and I think that is part of why so many marriages end in divorce, they marry because they do not want to be lonely. I think it would be worse to be stuck with someone that you picked because you are lonely, and have very little in common with, then being alone and have a life filled with activities and hobbies that you enjoy.


    I am going to use my great-uncle as an example, he was a straight man who never married, and lived to the old age of 88. He lived a full life. He volunteered so many different places, he traveled the world, and he had so many different hobbies, he never had time to be lonely. Because of all of these groups he belonged to, he had the biggest circle of friends from all walks of life that I have even known. He loved meeting people from all different backgrounds because he loved to listen to people tell stories about their life.... he had some wonderful stories.

    But several years ago, a few of us great-nephews asked him why he never married or at least found a partner to spend time with. His response, "I never found that person who matched what I felt my purpose in life is. There were times I was upset, there were times I was angry, but when I regained my focus on my life purpose, all those feelings would go away, and I would just smile."

    I think most of us deal with loneliness at some point in our life. This is a demon that I am currently trying to deal with. But when I am an old man, sitting alone in my rocking chair, I would rather look back and remember the things that I did, and smile, then remember back have a bunch of regrets. Sure, it would be awesome to find that right guy for me, and I am so happy that many of the people on here do..it makes me smile :icon_bigg , but it should not be my soul purpose in life.
     
  13. Wdwrker

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    I think it's very simple. If you have acknowledged the two choices you've given yourself, and neither have a suitable outcome make a third or "c". Make YOURSELF the most important person in a relationship until someone earns your love and trust. Until that point just enjoy the here and now. Forget long term goals in the mean time.
     
  14. happydavid

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    Don't give up miracles happen. I believe the best might be yet to come :-D
     
  15. Xtian99

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    thanks for all the great responses - Wdwrker loved yours.
    Agree with everyones focus on self love and self worth etc. And especially the part about choice a and choice B not nit being mutually exclusive.
    i think the reason i pegged those two choices for myself is that, for me, break ups are are especially toxic and dangerous. bring up past issues of abandonment, insecurity, terrible depression and anxiety. I just don't "make it through" like most people do. and i am afraid that someday it might literally kill me. so if there is something i know is toxic for me, perhaps better to stay away from it than take the risk.

    the other thing i realize is that i always go for people who have some rather large issues- but i cannot change who I am attracted to. So if i know i only choose people who are problematic, might it not make more sense to go back on the shelf and say "I make bad choices so I m not going to play this game"? (Alcoholics don't mess with drink, Drug addicts don't mess with drugs, maybe i should simply mess with my weaknesses)

    but i guess in the end we overcome our fears by facing them, not running away from them. and TOTALLY strange gift from the heavens - upon hearing of my last break up two exes got back in touch and, in offering their condolences, stated that they regretted breaking it off with me. i was blown away- thought i was totally forgettable! showed me that sometimes he fear in our minds is truly our own story and projections, and the reality if often quite different unknown to us. one is a friend who i know appreciate as a frind more than ever. that little gesture meant so much to me.

    thanks all for your input!
     
  16. Jim1454

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    I'm not sure this is something that you can't change...

    And yes - alcoholics ahve to abstain from alcohol, but they have to learn how to cope with the things that drive them to drink (resentment, fear, etc.). And other behavioural addictions like eating disorders, shopping, working or sex addiction - they can't abstain, and instead have to establish healthy boundaries for themselves. So it IS possible to work on that - in my opinion.