29y/o female in 6yr straight relationship, feeling more 'homoflexible' than bi..

Also coming to terms with primarily masculine energy, my gender fluidity, which was very painful and private for me growing up. That I now realize was just from social conditioning and lack of knowledge, and feel relief. But Im also with an emotionally immature alpha male, hes aware of my 'gender issues' but jokes them off and pushes for femininity. He also really doesn't want to break up. Ive brought up our lack of compatibility, dispite the love, several times in the past few years. Whats worse, is I told him if we ever broke up id be with women, so thats great because he wouldnt feel the pain of me being happy with another man. He said that would be worse, for an ex to become a lesbain. I do not want to hurt this man.

I have always craved the chase. I chased him, but it was too easy. I want to court and take care of someone and to recieve love and nurturing in return, primarily. Im more comfortable leading. The relationship Im in now is like reversed of what I want and makes me feel weak, literally, like ive been stripped down to just being a female and its utterly frusterating.

Sex is.. not intimate. Hes insecure in bed but tries, hes good looking and is 'hung'. But when im horny and want sex im not sure its him thats turning me on lol. Up until a few years ago I couldn't even have sex with men sober cuz it grossed me out. Ive learned to embrace it but it makes me feel weak and comfortable.

Ive had the odd fling or encounter with women and loved them but longterm was always with men. My first sexual thoughts were of women. I just wanted guys to like me n want to hang out with me, realizing as I got older they started to hate me and then wanted sex and romance. Id find myself jelious of men and diagnosed myself with penis envy.

Im not sure if I would be incapible of a relationship with a beta man, I tend to go for the mascuiline men who id like to be.. but at the end of the day if I had to choose a gorgeous women or man to spend the rest of my life with, it would have to be a women.

Please tell me what I need to know to have strength to be myself and resolve this relationship. Ive also been in long relationships w only months apart for about 12 years, so we can add that on top of the mix. Thanks(*hug*)

By the way I put this here thinking those who came out later would have the best insight, plus verge of marriage/kids is late!

 

Bump

 

Thank you :icon_bigg