Hi all, An update on where my journey is taking me right now. The counselling continues and at the last session we talked about a close friend (nothing more) of mine that had died when I was still at school. I was a mess! With my father not being at home and being bullied at school he was the one who stuck up for me and when he died suddently I began to realise that at 15 I started to close down as the real me. We looked back before that when I was happy to be who I was, not necessarily gay but happy to be different, even persuading the school to change their teaching schedule so that I could do cookery! It clearly never bothered me. So the stark realisation that at sometime in my teens, I STOPPED being the real me, locked it away so deep I didnt even realise it happened - it goes somewhere to explaining how I happily got married to someone I love! What has hit me in the few days since is anger. Anger that I was cheated out of my life through bullying in such a way that I shut down the real me and now I am sad that I have lost 30 years of the real me and now even questioning what the real me is! Will I even like who I am and will I just be lost forever. I have had some desperately low lows this last week and I have lost my identity. I guess this is the ups and downs of this journey. I remain committed that I will come out this closet, I have to but still the pain I will cause is frightening and scares me more than anything. I have found someone to talk to who has been through this but of course we all think we have the worst case. On a more positive note (albeit I am not proud of myself), I have spent time with a man who I know loves me and he makes me feel a way that I have never done before - I am cautious that my head is not straight now (no pun!) but just feeling so alive makes me know life can be better and different! Two suited gentlement in their 40's kissing in an alley, not a proud moment but magical! So, the battle continues ... I need to be ready and have the strength to do this properly. I have just thought about leaving and saying I have had an affair but thats not quite the real truth! I will keep you updated and thanks all for your comments and support
Having suppressed a part of you doesn't mean you've suppressed all of you... the inner you is still authentic and real and who you are irrespective of hiding a portion of yourself. Life is hardly something that's ever thrown away or wasted, I'll bet a million bucks over the past 30 years you've had many happy and good experiences which I'm sure you wouldn't want to give up for anything in the World. Those experiences would never have been had you walked on another path... You are like a cherry tree that just hasn't blossomed yet. You have your shape and form, essentially are who you are, but you haven't reached your full potential yet. Don't regret the past, rather see the positive that things you denied yourself you'll be able to allow yourself in the present and future. Those will broaden your personality and allow yourself to flower into something more beautiful than you already are.
Hi how are you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This world is a scary place for gay people and it makes us do things we don't understand why we do them. I life begins at 40 so they say so you have plenty ahead of you. You ever need a friend you know where to find me. I'm on here a lot.
