What did I get myself into (to those that have been married)

Mixed orientation marriages are difficult.

You made a choice and it sounds like you tried but the situation is impossible.

You can change your mind.

 

It so sad and extremely selfless. I'm in a long term relationship with a woman and it gets tough to recycle excuses in an effort to avoid intimacy. You're in a tough spot.

 

You can still be a good dad to your step daughter without being married to her Mum.

 

I seriously contemplated this in the early days while I was desperately trying to figure out my own head. The bottom line was that, despite the long marriage and the feeling of love for my wife, I had suddenly realised that the feelings for guys were real and not just a phase or a fantasy. I had enjoyed the kiss from a man and had always preferred a male body form to a female, so it was inevitable that we would separate.

She gets emotional at times and just wants me to go back and go back to our old life, but the reality is that although I do love her, I'm not sexually attracted to her now and going back would consign me to celibacy or at best, occasional sex that I would know was not what I wanted and would be depriving myself of: loving, intimate and close sex with a man I could love.

It's such a hard decision to make, especially when you come out and then commit to staying despite the knowledge being known by you both. It's almost like it's double the guilt. You need to do what's right for you. I know it's going to be really hard, but you owe it to yourself first of all and your own happiness/sanity; but you also owe it to her. She has a right to expect her husband to love her and do everything that a husband and wife 'should' do. No-one has a right to tell you what form that relationship should take if you decided to stay, but you both need to be happy with it and get something from it that satisfies you both emotionally and physically. From what you describe, neither of you are getting either of these things in any great amount and while it's really hard to separate (tell me about it) for one or both people, carrying on in the current situation doesn't appear to be the right thing for either of you in it's current set up.

 

I am going through this with my wife right now. I for years suspected that I may be gay, but I married the first person that I ever had a relationship with or sex with. Ever since the beginning we were always missing that spark and in the back of my mind I knew it was because I was gay. We made it seven years before I finally allowed myself to even explore my gay feelings and after a lot of thought I finally decided to come out to her (after first having to come out to myself). Now I knew that this would probably be the end of our marriage, BUT if she wanted to make things work we would try. Ultimately we have landed on the idea of divorce. Its sad and extremely difficult. I often find myself saying "I wish I hated you, it would make this so much easier!" because we still very much love each other but we know our relationship will forever be lacking that special something. I know that this may not help you much with your situation, but I at least wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. Things are incredibly tough in the beginning, but we have only been at this for about three weeks and the progress that we have made is incredible and I hope the best for you.

 

I came out to my wife with the intention of letting her know that we would definitely not be together forever, but that I would stay for the time being for her and our teenage girls. No sex (hasn't been for years), no affection (ditto), but I felt responsible enough that I felt I should give her time to adjust, change her habits, look for a real job, start taking some responsibility for the house, which is embarrassing, etc. None of it has really happened. She has started edging in the direction of a full-time job, but as much as I suggest something with benefits, she keeps angling for cash-only child care jobs that will give her the summer free. She seems to go through periods of denial, then questioning and anger, then a lull and it starts all over again.

To make matters even more complicated, I managed to stumble into a relationship with a guy who is the kind of person I always imagined myself falling for, but never believed for a minute it would actually happen. She knows a fair amount about our relationship, but she is still only very slowly considering changes to her behavior.

Bottom line is: Some people need to be forced into action. Me included; I would probably have puttered along getting frustrated but not making changes of my own had I not met my guy, and the more time goes by, the more I realize I'm going to have to force her into action or nothing will happen. You can try to be selfless, but really, it can end up being as much a denial of your actual self as being in the closet was. I originally told her I expected us to be divorced within 5 years or earlier, since that is when our youngest will graduate from high school, and I'm still using that as the marker for a number of the most permanent changes, like selling the house, but I know that the marriage will be over much, much sooner. After catching a glimpse of a much happier future, I can't keep my own life on hold. It may take some creativity, but I'm going to be there for my kids and still give her some time to adjust, but it's clear that she's not going to take any responsibility for herself unless I force the issue.

Good luck to you. It's not easy trying to do the right thing. It's even harder figuring out what the right thing IS.