married woman but realizing more and more i'm either bi or a lesbian

Welcome to EC dear. First of all, just keep calm and understand that everything is going to be fine. You are not a monster and you didn't waste his or your time all these years. I have some good news and some....interesting news. The good news is, you are completely normal and many have walked a similiar road as you (including me). The 'other' news is...these attractions to women will never go away and you need to come to terms with it. But don't freak out, well need more information to get to the bottom of this. Just some questions:
Are you sexually and romantically attracted to your husband? To other men (past and present).
Does the thoughts of having sex/being romantic with a woman excite you?

 

Since you have experienced sexual attraction to men in the past (how-be-it to a lesser extent now) that still puts you in the range of bisexuality with a preference for women. Are you still *IN* love with your husband? Or do you just love him? There's a difference. You really need to ask yourself how long you can suppress this part of yourself. Is it just sex you want with women, or do you feel as if you would lead a happier life with a woman instead of your husband?

 

Hey, I understand and am going through this right now. I agree with the above posters that those questions are very important for you to answer. With my situation, my husband was in school and worked a lot since 2009 and I found myself getting really lonely. When he and I are not connecting, I find my "lesbian" thoughts very strong.

When we spend time together, he makes me laugh and I feel close. The thoughts about women are background noise and I love my husband too much to leave him. I actually tried to leave a few times and I would become extremely depressed and be so happy to come back. I'm still working through a lot.

Can you try to connect with him again? What made you fall in love with him in the 1st place? Also please try not to think of other's reactions as the ones who truly love you will stick by you no matter what.

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

You'll see that there are a number of us who have been through a similar experience. We didn't know we were gay, or didn't acknowledge it, until we were already married with kids.

As has already been said, this isn't likely to get any better or easier. The thoughts and feelings, especially now that you're talking about them here, will likely get stronger. It's a bit of a Pandora's Box - you can't close it again. This is already creating a wedge in your relationship, and I'm afraid it's likely to get worse instead of better.

So you may find that you'll need to move on - end your marriage. And you're not alone in the way you're thinking around that scenario. I also thought I had 'ruined' my wife's life. And the lives of my kids. But I couldn't beat myself up over that - because I did everything with the best intentions. It was never my intent to deceive or hurt anyone. And in the end, I didn't ruin their lives. Sure, things are different than we had all envisioned, but that doesn't make it bad.

And in terms of being able to make it on your own, supporting 2 kids - your husband would have responsibilities there, even if it is your decision to leave. Those are things that you'll need to work out if that's the route you go.

Welcome, and good luck.

 

I certainly haven't found that. Now, many of the people I have met have been in a similar situtation - having been in a heterosexual relationship previously - or come out later in life. But I've not found this to be an issue. Maybe some people have their shorts in a knot about this, but I've not met them.

 

I have also heard that many out gay people can be quite mean to those who have been in a heterosexual relationship. Is this true? I certainly wont want to deal with hate from both sides!"

No, were not mean. We can get mean when we feel misunderstood, just like anyone else. The gay community has a broad spectrum of preferences, just like any other person does. Speaking only for myself, I prefer women who have never been married or been with a man before because I can relate to them better and offer more emotional understanding. Have I been with women who are or were married? Yes, but I have found that they feel like I can't really support them or understand them the way they need to be understood and we eventually end things. People will always have an issue with your personal preferences, nothing to do with their lives directly, but you must stand firm. Heterosexuals get all up in a knot about you being married and gay, lesbians get up on my case for being with lesbians that's have never been with men sexually or otherwise (gold star lesbians). Go figuare I say do and be what makes you happy, even if you must end things. It won't be easy, it won't be pretty, but you know what? It makes you be strong and have character and discipline. Life is meant to experience changes that shape who we are. Wouldn't you like to teach your children to be strong enough to end a relationship that doesn't make them happy? Or is an abusive one? Or where they just flat out don't belong? If money is your concern, take the steps to save some money, find a job, and save some more until you can afford to move out. It is possible. He will tell you you can't do any thing with out him and blah blah...straight boy machismo talking. For the sake of the kids, the best thing a mother can do is be happy herself.

 

Right now it's hard to say whether you are bi or lesbian, because a loss of sexual desire for a long time partner can occur in any relationship, straight, bi, or lesbian.
There was a period of time at the beginning of the year when I lost all physical desire for my BF, couldn't even stand for him to touch me. Despite that, I didn't want him sleeping with someone else either. I thought it was psychological, but later found out that it was caused by a medical condition affecting my hormones. If it had been a permanent loss of desire, I don't know if I could've continued my relationship with him or not, despite that I still loved him. Sex isn't everything, but for me it's something. Thank goodness I didn't have to find out.

I'm not saying that's what's causing your lack of desire for him, it could be any number of things. What you described I have heard from a straight woman too, although she was having desire for other men instead of her husband.

I don't know if it's as strong as hate, but yes there are some lesbians who might not want to date you if you've ever been with a man. Up until last year, I was what is called a "gold star" lesbian, never slept with a guy. When I confided to 3 friends of mine, all of whom were lesbians, that I'd slept with a guy, the reaction from one of them was "Ewww, how could you?" This was the exact same words that my sister said when I came out as a lesbian 5 yrs earlier. The other two thought that she was overreacting.

Even when I thought I was strictly a lesbian, I never rejected potential dating partners simply because they'd been with a guy before. I never dated women that were currently having sex with a guy, but then I never dated anyone who was currently having sex with another girl either. I've always have had sex within a monogamous relationship, even if that relationship didn't last forever, but that's just me. I even know someone who was willing to have a relationship with a woman that is already in a committed romantic relationship with a guy, so if you eventually are looking for someone I think it's possible for you to find someone.

If my current relationship ends and I go back to looking for someone, if they're going to reject me simply because I'd slept with a guy once in my life, that isn't the type of person I want to be in a relationship with anyway.

 

Welcome to EC (*hug*)

Anyway is is just a complicated situation there is no right or wrong way to go with this. U have to make the decision. But honestly if I were u I would get out now I mean your still young at 31 y/o u can definetly fall in love with a good woman and that way it won't be in the next 20 years and u break your husbands heart and ur kids avoid u 6 months. Is better to get divorced now and get your life the way you want it.

 

The gold star lesbian thread is elsewhere if you need more insight on that topic, and this is irrelevant to your situation, but anyway. I hope you can find the peace of mind and soul that you need. Trust that the right person will come into your path to make you a stronger person and that you also have a purpose, much bigger than it may seem at the moment. What needs to happen will, so take things in stride. As far as rejection from some lesbians, oh well. Being straight doesn't guarantee a lack thereof neither. The right woman will come into your life and I'm sure will fit the bill. Don't worry about what other people say.