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My story.... for anybody interested

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by redbean, May 1, 2014.

  1. redbean

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    Hi all,

    I stumbled on this site recently and have read so many stories similar to mine and thought I might as well add mine. Thanks for reading....

    I'm 45, happily married 20 years to the best wife a man could have asked for and as with a lot of guys, it seems, I have been able to focus on building our lives together, business, work, family etc. and either consciously or subconsciously, I have lost touch with most if not all of my friends which hasn't been a problem until recently.

    I now feel a real need to connect to others and find a good friend (or friends) but at the same time, I know that this runs the risk that I may feel something more than I should for them. Maybe this is why I have avoided making/keeping friends for so long?

    Anyway, I have recently met a guy (also married with a family) and we have become very friendly. We have seen each other almost everyday in the last couple of weeks and it always puts a smile on my face when he texts me and after we have met up. We have even starting planning to do more stuff together!

    He is exactly the sort of person I have been hoping to meet, we always have something to talk about and there never seems to be enough time for us talk about everything we have to say. We are so similar in so many ways, and yet at the same time completely different.

    I am totally happy for things to continue as they are and for nothing physical to happen between us, he has not given any indication that he is that way inclined, but then again, neither have I, I suppose. He is quickly becoming the best friend I have ever had even though we only really started hanging out with each other about 6 months ago and at first we only saw each other about once a week.

    I had almost given up hope of meeting someone who I get on with so well at this ripe old age. Everyone already has their own lives and friends and seem to be unwilling or unable to make new ones. My friend has his best buds already also and I know I am not going to replace them, but I guess we have more opportunity to see each other than he has to see them.

    I know that I could easily fall in love with him, if I haven't already done so. I think about him far too much and I miss him if I don't see or hear from him. I don't think he feels as much for me although it seems obvious that he is fond of my company, though I am not entirely sure why. I don't think I am the sort of person he normally hangs out with at all.

    At first I was a bit paranoid about whether our friendship would last or how much he did actually enjoy being with me. But the last couple of weeks have really put my mind at ease and I am fairly confident that he won't fade away in the forseeable future, at least.

    I have this urge to tell him how much his friendship has come to mean to me but at the same time am fearful that if I do it may scare him off. We have a very playful, winding each other up type of relationship and I'm not sure how he would react if I were to say something like that. Not that we haven't talked about serious and personal stuff.... like I said we seem to be able to talk to each other about (almost) anything and everything. But this is different....

    I am so happy we met and can't believe I finally have the kind of friendship I had been hoping for. But at the same time, I wonder what if anything this might lead to. Why can't I just be happy?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey redbean, welcome to EC!

    It's not uncommon for guys who get married to suddenly drop off the face of the earth as far as their former friends are concerned. It has happened to me. I am grateful that they are still there after my divorce; I feel as if I have been in suspended animation since the day of the wedding.

    What you are describing is a very close friendship with another guy. What is unclear is what you mean by "the risk that I may feel something more than I should ...".

    Our male relationships are so constrained and binary! Either they are completely platonic or you are having hot sex by the beach. It would be so nice to be able to say to our close guy friends: "Hey, since we met 6 months ago, you and I have had such a great time together, I so look forward to talking to you and sharing time with you. I love you bro!" without it meaning that you will promptly hop into bed together!

    A "soul-mate" need not be your lover, or your wife. Thank your lucky stars...you have found your soul-mate! It need not go anywhere beyond the love that you feel for him, and this is not necessarily gay (that has the particular sexual component which appears to be missing from what you have written).

    What you wrote to us about your feelings is precisely what you should tell him, but better than telling him, love him! To love is an active verb: care for him, care what happens to him and to those close to him, respect him and who he wants to become, respond to him when he needs you, and know him deeply. Most of all, spare no opportunity to appreciate what he means to you and let him know that!
     
  3. redbean

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    Hi greatwhale and thanks for your welcome and thoughts.

    I suppose that I am afraid that I will end up falling for him and things will get messy, which wouldn't be the first time. I seem to go through cycles of meeting someone, falling for them, and they disappear. I don't want this to happen again. The one thing that is different this time is that we met through a shared interest and once we started talking and seeing each other more we seemed to have a real connexion. I don't seem to have to tell him how much he means to me, it just doesn't seem to matter - we just seem to know we enjoy each other's company.

    This would all be fine if I didn't have the tendency to fall another guy. Plus he does things with me that he doesn't do with others around us which makes me question him and if he's also interested in taking things further, but I'm probably reading too much into things.

    Anyway, I know I just have to be happy we found each other and to take things as they come.
     
  4. Jason1998

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    I have a question for you. I am currently 16 and feel that I am bisexual. Did you know you were bisexual before married? And were you more sexually attracted to males or females ?
     
  5. redbean

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    Yes, I knew was bi when I married, and maybe I shouldn't have married, but I also knew that I loved my wife and I wanted to lead a 'straight life' and not a gay one. Sex was/is good with my wife and I would not know what I would do without my wife and family.

    I was able to not think about my bi side for years but as I got older, I started missing male companionship, and it's not always easy to not feel too much for another guy.

    To be honest, I guess I am slightly more attracted to guys, but I'm not sure if that's not because I love my wife and the idea of cheating with another woman hasn't crossed my mind at all and also not having had any friends for years has meant that I primarily look out for men I get on with.

    Anyway, we are all different and this is my experience. Of course I cannot know what your experiences are and what would be right for you. But I think that had I not married I may have been in a worse place, but then, who knows?
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    Hi Redbean

    Interesting that you feel slightly more attracted to guys and presumably always have, but still wanted to lead a straight life. Is it that you always wanted to lead a straight life or did social pressures make you want to lead a straight life? There is a difference and it's so often those external pressures and expectations that lead people down a path they may otherwise not choose.

    I guess one of the difficulties of your situation is the secrecy of your feelings. When you are leading a kind of double existence (even without following up with actions) it can seem quite isolating and lonely, but this forum gives lots of people like you an outlet and place to talk openly. Keep talking to us and let us know how things go. :slight_smile:
     
  7. redbean

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    Thanks for your thoughts Linco.

    The answer to your first question, is BOTH and that is the truth. Yes, I always knew I was attracted to both sexes but I also knew that I would make a good dad and always wanted to marry and have children of my own. I now have a fantastic son and I think I have brought him up to be a good person and be happy and successful.

    Of course, I was also expected to marry and have a family so in that respect, I also did what I was supposed to. But as I said previously, I don't think I would have been any happier had I not married - things would just have been different. I may even have been unhappier and less fulfilled, but we will never know. I love my wife and family and have no intention of leaving them.

    I will have to learn to make do with friendships and to appreciate them for what they are and to not expect anything more. Besides, I am ONLY attracted to straight-acting men (preferably married) and so the chances of anything ever happening are remote to say the least.

    In an ideal world, we would be more like the ancient Greeks, who didn't frown upon same-sex relationships to complement heterosexual ones for procreation, but I know that's not going to happen in my life-time.