1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My story

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tomboy, May 3, 2014.

  1. tomboy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southern California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So here's my story. I'll try to give the brief version, because it can get a little long.

    I'm 34 years old and I have two kids. Recently divorced (from a hetero marriage).

    A little over a year ago I started this amazing school program with some of the most amazing people I've ever been friends with. There were lots of presentations and discussions on LGBT issues. I've always been for gay rights. Although seeing two people of the same sex being intimate used to make me feel a little uncomfortable, I always figured it was right for them, and they should be able to be the way they are.

    One day I saw two friends kissing. Both were women, and before that moment I had no idea they were together (or that either of them was gay or bisexual). And I was so happy to see how happy they were. It occurred to me that I didn't feel the least bit of discomfort seeing them, and this was a first. Yay me! I am so accepting, I thought.

    There was this girl at school that I thought was pretty awesome. Soon after the day I saw my friends kiss, I began to realize that I didn't just think my friend was awesome, I had a crush on her. Which grew into a HUGE crush on her. Pretty soon I was crazy about her. At first this seemed like the craziest thing in the world to me. How could I get a crush on a girl? I only got crushes on boys. I didn't get crushes on girls. It didn't make any sense. It wasn't me. But the more I thought about it, the more it did make sense. I'm a total tomboy (hence my screen name). I can't stand girly stuff. I hate wearing dresses. I won't wear makeup. There's a reason for that. It all hit me that this was me, this was who I was. We had a guest speaker who was a lesbian at school, and she was talking about how when she was growing up she hated girly stuff, and I realized I was just like her.

    And all this was a relief. I guess I hadn't thought about it much, but I always had felt different, like I didn't belong. Especially with other girls. Especially when it was time to dress up, put on makeup, make yourself pretty. I had always heard that gay kids growing up always felt different. And I would think, nope, I don't want to be different. I want to be just like everyone else, just a normal kid. But the key word there is WANT. I didn't want to be different, but I WAS different, and I didn't even want to think about the fact that I was different because I wanted so badly to be normal like everyone else.

    When this happened, my world completely turned around. I no longer felt any attraction toward men. Only women. I even felt a little uncomfortable seeing two people of opposite sex being intimate. (I guess you could say I was becoming a heterophobe.) I felt most comfortable seeing same-sex couples.

    But I realized that I was a lesbian (actually, at first I couldn't bring myself to use that word, even in my thoughts) and that meant that there was a reason I was the way I was, in a way it was normal, and there was a group that I did fit in with. And that felt wonderful.

    I wasn't sure I would ever tell anyone. I was stuck in a marriage I didn't know if I'd ever get out of. It wouldn't make sense to them. And I thought it would crush my husband if he found out.

    But I had been talking with my friend who I walked in on kissing her girlfriend, and one day I told her. She was happy to talk to me about things, and it made this time a lot easier. I also told a couple more gay friends. And as I told gay friends, a found that a common reaction was, "I always got that sense about you. I was a little confused that you were married to a man." I had been setting off gaydar all over the place without even knowing.

    Well, during one of my school breaks, my husband and I were able to talk about our marriage and come to terms with things. We really didn't have much of a marriage anymore, and we would be happier in the long run if we split up. But we knew we could stay friends, and that parenting the kids was the most important thing to both of us. We agreed to continue living together for now. Right after we were done discussing this, he asked me if I had been having some sort of issues with my sexuality. I wasn't planning on dumping everything on him in one day, but since he asked, I told him. And he was incredibly supportive. It almost seemed to make the split up easier for him and he almost seemed a bit amused by it.

    So now I started telling my closest friends and family. Everyone was supportive. I do have some family members that may not be supportive at all, because they have very strict religious beliefs that it's wrong to be gay. But I won't have to deal with that for a long time, because we are not even telling that entire side of my family that my husband and I split up. My grandparents are very old, and they have these strong religious beliefs. My grandmother in particular worries herself sick. She literally makes herself sick over things. We've seen her get so sick before, for a while we weren't sure she was going to recover. If she found out that my husband and I split up, she would get sick again. And she is so old, I don't know if she would recover. My ex husband and my dad agreed that if everyone on that side of the family knew that we got divorced, someone would end up telling my grandparents. This surprised me, but we agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone on my dad's side. I don't want to kill my grandma.

    A lot of friends completely accepted and supported what I told them. Some people, however questioned how I knew I was gay. Some commented how unusual it was that I knew, when I hadn't been intimate with a woman. It started to occur to me that people might not take me seriously, that everyone might think this is just a phase, or I'm just trying to get attention or something. I started to think I had jumped the gun on telling so many people. Maybe I should have waited longer, or even waited until I was in a relationship. I became kind of self conscious about it and wished I hadn't told so many people. I wondered if I should tell people I was questioning, instead of gay. But there was no doubt in my mind. Maybe I should tell people that I was starting to find myself attracted to women and not men. But this would end up so wordy and awkward. I talked to a couple people and felt a little better. But I still feel uncomfortable about coming out to more people, because I'm not sure how seriously they will take me.
     
  2. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Welcome to EC tomboy!! I'm out and divorced and not dating. I'm still processing all the emotions from my divorce. Being gay is about being who I am. I'm not going to rush into something I'm not ready for to be accepted by other lesbians.
    You knowing and accepting that you are gay is the most important thing! (*hug*)
     
  3. Penpal

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2014
    Messages:
    278
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands UK
    Welcome to the EC, I have just separated from my husband and have 2 children. I'm not out to many people, I'm not ready to yet. This is a great place to find yourself and get support. There are some lovely people on here. Take care x
     
  4. tomboy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southern California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks you guys. It always makes me feel a little better when someone reassures me that I know my own sexuality regardless of what others may think.

    ---------- Post added 3rd May 2014 at 01:33 PM ----------

    But I sure didn't post the brief version of my story, did I? It's hard because there's so much too it.

    There's one more important thing I like to discuss when I tell my story, and that's why I never knew I was gay until now. When I was growing up, gay was always treated as something weird, strange, even gross, something you wanted to stay away from. Any mention of someone being gay, and it was like, "Ew gross!" I guess a lot of it was from my dad, now that I think about it. (He's totally changed now, though.) But then I guess almost everyone back then had that mindset to some degree too (even now most people do, at least a little). I was someone who didn't want to be different or strange, or to draw attention to myself in any way. So I couldn't even consider the possibility of being gay. I think in an unconscious way, being attracted to women wasn't even an option. So I got crushes on boys, just like I thought I was supposed to. It took a lot for me to be able to break out of that mindset. I didn't feel that my husband always treated me that great. I saw friends get treated horribly by their boyfriends and husbands. I got this terrible bias against men. That was a big part of it. There were other thought processes and changing feelings, but I definitely remember jokingly thinking to myself that if I ever got out of this unhappy relationship, I was going to date women, because they were better, nicer, easier to get along with and more caring. (No offense to all you men, I know this is terribly unfair and not necessarily true, just what I was feeling at the time). Somehow that little joke gradually became reality.