I'm not sure where to start. I'm a 40yr old woman married to a man for 10 yrs, w 2 young kids. Back in high school I was just a hetero girl dating boys... Except at one point my best girl friend made a move on me during a sleepover and it was incredible. We would go on double dates (with guys) then go home together and make out. It was a confusing time but we eventually grew apart and I never had another *relationship* with girl. Forward about 22 years, I'm married w kids living the so-called ideal suburban housewife /mom life but I can't really remember when's the last time I truly felt I was happy. Never really interested in sex w my husband but did it to keep him happy, it was no secret that I was depressed but I never could pinpoint why. Then I reconnected with my high school girlfriend (who is openly gay) through Facebook. Immediately I felt joy and happiness return. I would flirt with her over chat and within a month she came to visit. The same amazing chemistry was still there. Going against all my morals, we started having an affair. My husband started getting suspicious but I just couldn't admit it to him. His suspicions were confirmed one night when he caught us making out. He know about my desires but still thinks 'we can work this out'. I can't quit this girl. I have zero sexual desire for my husband. I dream every day of a life with her but I'm frozen in fear to leave as I haven't had a full time job (outside of raising my kids) in 9 years, and my family and my community are VERY conservative and I don't know if I'll even have any friends or family left if I were to announce I'm a lesbian. Looking back on my life, the idea of being gay really makes a lot of puzzle pieces fall in to place, things that once didn't, actually make sense. I've always gravitated to lesbians in social situations, although I get REALLY nervous being around gay people - my gf says it's because I'm not yet open and proud of who I am, which also makes sense. All day long I play the 'coming out' conversation in my head that I need to have with my husband, my heart races and I'm full of anxiety yet, I can't bring myself to do it. How do you even start that conversation? I feel so jealous of gay couples, walking hand in hand around town... I want that to be me. I want to be truly happy again.
Welcome to the EC. I'm 39 and recently separated from my husband ( as in this week!) i have 2 children and only work part time as we chose to not put the children in childcare if we could help it. I have been married for 11 years and been with him for 19 years. i haven't had a relationship with a woman but wish i had. You have found true love, don't let it go because it won't work. You love your girlfriend not your husband. It's a waste if you let it go to live a fake life. Both you and your husband wouldn't be happy in the long run. As for telling him that depends on what he's like. My husband guessed with me and my best friend confirmed it to him. I knew she was doing that but I was physically shaking when he came home. He hugged me and said it was fine. This was a big relief to me. Unfortunately it didn't last and he has changed but I hope that doesn't happen to you. If you are worried about your working situation perhaps you should get some advice. I live in the UK and discovered that I would be in a better situation than I first thought. It is early days for us but I'm hoping I will manage. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled its a long story and I don't want to bore you With it in your thread. If you want to talk feel free to message me. Good luck x
You are in a tough position...but so are most of us on in this forum so you are among friends. In late February I came out to my wife. This was after I spent much time waiting for the right time. However, the right time never comes because it is going to be difficult no matter when. Just make sure the kids are not around and you have the time to discuss. Then once I decided to come out, it took another couple of weeks to get over my anxiety. First I thought getting drunk would help, it doesn't. Then I would pace and pace and rehearse and the anxiety only gets worse. I would start to approach her, only to back off and go somewhere to cry. Believe me what you are going through is normal. Really keep trying and sooner or later you will make those final steps and have the conversation. You just have to accept its not going to be easy and there will not be a time it will be easy. Keep trying
Thank you both for your replies, in my imagination, the conversation is easy and I say everything in the right way... I see a lot of posts where the spouse is very accepting and forgiving and I just hope it goes that way for me. I've been with this amazing girl for over a year - I sometimes feel regret that we've already missed the last 22 years together and I cant waste another day. I'm thankful to have found this forum, it helps to know there are others feeling like I do.
As others have said, what you're going through is completely normal and expected as part of coming out. In fact, when I came out, my brother recently said to me "now everything just makes sense". I'm the guy who has never had a girlfriend and deprived myself of connection because I thought that I wasn't worthy of connection. Lots of therapy later (which is still ongoing), I'm now an out and happy gay man, and my life couldn't be better. Even though I didn't have a wife or anyone to leave when I came out, it was still extraordinarily hard, and the stakes are even higher with you, since there are children involved. I realize that in your mind it's an easy conversation, and every logical piece of my mind told me that this was going to be easy as well. However, for some reason the human mind tends to conjure up the most catostrophic outcome that could occur from coming out and become convinced that is what is going to happen - even though there's little to no evidence that is going to happen, and there in fact may be evidence that the contrary thing is going to happen. For example, when I first came out, it was to a gay friend. I was actually wondering in my mind whether or not he would accept me as gay. This is another gay man we're talking about here! There's not a reasonable person in the world that would think that he wouldn't accept me, yet that thought was going through my mind for little to no logical reason. The point of this story is to say even though the logical side of you (and me) thinks that this should be an easy conversation, the mind has weird ways of coming up with completely unlikely outcomes. Now, I don't know what the outcome with your husband is going to be. Some people are very accepting, and others aren't. Only you know your husband and family and which one he is likely to be (though he could always surprise you, hopefully for the best!)
Rainbowman, thanks so much for your input. It's funny how growing up l All I thought ever really wanted was to be married and have kids and now that is what I've got and I KNOW I want something completely different! being gay wasn't an option, I didn't know any gay people, I did have a HUGE crush on my female PE teacher (ironic in so many ways) but it really just confused me since I didn't know you could love someone *like that* if they were the same sex. In a lot of ways I just have to laugh, all the signs were there, great at sports, aversion to girly things and clothes, crush on the female teacher... I even remember times in my life where I even made decisions on clothes or buying a car or whatever clearly thinking 'does this make me look like a lesbian' lol. I guess I've been afraid of it. Being different. I'm figuring it out....slowly... But it's coming
Wow, i could have written alot of that myself! I am almost 32 and have been married for 9 years and we have 2 young kids (6 and almost 2) I have never had a relationship with a woman but have kissed a couple of them. my husband knows as of very recently that i am curious but i haven't been able to say the words that I am a bisexual. I am so damn scared just to say it to myself! LIke you, I don't really enjoy sex with my husband. I just do it because it makes him happy. When i think about what it would be like to actually explore this side of myself (which would mean a divorce) i get so scared. My husband is a great man and i don't want to hurt him OR our kids. I also like you ahve been a stay at home mom for a long time and don't have the finances to just leave if it came down to that. I LIKE that i have this family and that they are all happy. I just hate that I feel the way I do. I hope i can get to 50 posts so we can chat. We have a lot in common I think .
