My introduction, and why I'm considering coming out at 42

I'm not one of those people who knew from a very young age that they were gay. Looking back now, the earliest I can remember having feelings that I now understand to be attraction to other guys was 13 or 14, but I didn't recognize it at the time. I knew only that I wasn't particularly attracted to girls, as many of my friends seemed to be. Looking at the women in Playboy and Penthouse in friends' basements (this was before internet porn!) did nothing for me.

The earliest I recognized feelings of attraction towards other men at the time I had them was probably 19 or 20. Even then, I was in denial for some years, then went through a few years of trying to tell myself I was bi (watching Spice Girls videos and trying to tell myself that Sporty Spice wasn't too bad) before I was finally able to admit to myself, some time in my late 20s, that I was gay. I can't cite an exact date, or even an exact year — "glacial" would be a good word to describe the pace at which I came to the realization, it was so gradual, but I was eventually able to say "I'm gay" to myself, in private. So for convenience' sake, let's say I've been out to myself for 15 years, give or take.

In all that time, and since then, I've still never done anything sexual or romantic with another guy. Part of that is internalized homophobia, I'm sure, but another part is that I'm something of an introvert and a loner anyway. I prefer living alone and the independence it offers. I don't have to consult with anyone else to decide to stay in or go out, to come straight home from work or to go out to dinner and a movie. I've traveled alone, quite a bit, and enjoy it — the time it offers me to myself, and the fact that I don't have to take anyone else's preferences into account when deciding where to go and what to do.

I know it's tempting to read that as something I'm telling myself to convince myself I'm OK with being alone, but I feel strongly in my case it's the real truth. It's difficult for me to imagine myself giving up that freedom and independence for a relationship, near impossible to imagine living with a partner. I'm not categorically ruling out the possibility that I'd feel differently if I were out, but it doesn't seem likely to me.

And that's why I haven't come out yet: if I'm not dating or hooking up with anyone anyway, and am not particularly looking to do either, what difference does it make if I come out? If I'm asexual in practice, what difference does it make if people think I'm attracted to women, or men, or both, or neither?

So why am I thinking about coming out now?

The idea of coming out has been in the back of my mind for the last four or five years (remember: "glacial"). I promised myself a few years ago if anyone asked me flat out if I was gay, I would answer honestly, but no one has (except for a stranger once in a bar in New Orleans, when I was there on one of my solo travels, and I did answer honestly, but that's a story for another time). But two events in the past six months have pushed me more towards coming out:

1) About six months ago, a bunch of college buddies and I got together for something of an unofficial 20-year reunion. I had thought I might come out then, but I also didn't feel that I had to. Another buddy of ours has, since college, come out — he was also invited to the weekend but wasn't able to attend. As discussion at the bar turns to him — with some bemusement, but certainly nothing homophobic from anyone — it occurs to me that if I wanted to come out, this would be the easiest time in the world to work it into the conversation: "As long as we're on the subject, I'm gay too." But I didn't. And I was disappointed in myself for that, but that wasn't my worst offense of the weekend.

Later on that weekend we went out to the local strip club. And I went along, and let the strippers rub their breasts in my face, and pretended to enjoy it. It's not the first time I've done that, but it had been many years since the last time I had been in a strip club and put on that act. And afterwards I was disgusted (with myself for pretending to enjoy it, that is; not disgusted by the strippers, only bored by them), and I realized that while I hadn't broken the letter of my promise to myself not to flat-out lie about being gay, it certainly violated the spirit, the act being as much of a lie as if I said I wasn't gay.

2) It's not quite true that I've never come out — long story short, I did once, about three years ago, to a small group of friends (but not close friends), when very drunk. Probably part of me was hoping it would get out to more people, but they apparently recognized I wouldn't have come out if I had been sober, and AFAIK they've kept it to themselves.

Except a few months ago a very close friend (VCF) of mine, who knows some of the people I came out to, said something to me that could be interpreted to mean he'd be supportive if I wanted to come out to him, but was sufficiently vague that it could have been interpreted as just a general statement of friendship. So now I think VCF knows, but being a good friend, he's not going to directly confront me about it, and let me stay closeted if I want.

And what gnaws at me about that is the thought that if I don't come out to him, he'll be hurt and feel that I don't trust him. Which I do — I'd trust him with my life, and I know he's gay-friendly in general, so why is it so hard to come out to him?

Why am I still apprehensive about coming out? (This is where I could use advice, reassurance, etc.)

I'm not worried about them reacting badly, at least in the homophobic sense — the vast majority of my friends are gay-supportive. In someone else's coming out story here on EC, the response was "why didn't you come out sooner?" And I know that was meant as supportive, but the thought of that question bugs me, because I don't have a good answer for it. Because I'm a coward? That's what I keep coming back to, and I hope it's not true, and if it is I certainly don't like to admit it. Because I didn't trust them? If I didn't, it's not because they ever gave me a reason not to trust them.

And I'm worried that people will be supportive and I'll get emotional and teary, which I don't like to do because I'm very guarded with my feelings. I'd rather get the jokey sort of "laugh it off to let you know nothing has changed" response, but there's no way of knowing in advance how people will respond.

And I'm worried that I'll end up replacing one lie with another; part of why I've been closeted so long is that I'm generally assumed to be straight, and when people make that assumption I haven't corrected it, and in some cases actively encouraged it (see the strip club above). That's a pattern I'd like to get out of, but I can see other assumptions coming in to play if I come out — the assumption that I've been having lots of (or in fact any) sex with men, or the assumption that the reason I haven't been dating is only that I've been closeted, and not that I'm a deep introvert who prefers to be alone most of the time. And if people made those assumptions, I could see myself all too easily letting those assumptions slide, or even encouraging them, just as I did when people assumed I was straight.

Wow, that was long. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all of it, and I appreciate any responses or thoughts, but I think it's also helped me just to write that all out.

 

Thanks to everyone for your comments. They're all very helpful to read, and good to know that I'm not alone.

After reading the comments here, as well as re-reading my own words and asking myself what I'd think if I were reading someone else's words, I think you've hit the mark here — I think maybe I have a lot more internalized homophobia than I previously recognized. I wanted to think I couldn't have that much if I a) was able to admit to myself that I'm gay, and b) tried to be supportive of openly gay friends. But I'm realizing that that's not true. I'd like to think I'm OK with being gay, and intellectually I am, but deep down, emotionally, it's becoming clear that I'm not there yet.

I hadn't really before, but I am now. I think I need to work on overcoming my internalized homophobia, possibly in therapy. Whether I'll still feel that I'm not interested in dating as that goes on, I don't know, but even if I'm not I'm beginning to see that's not a reason to address the root issue.