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Dating sites , are they really meat markets ? your advice please

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Linux Lenny, May 4, 2014.

  1. Linux Lenny

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    Hi all

    firstly I would like to thank you all for this great forum , it helped me a lot in the darkest period of my life . I lived every day with your beautiful stories , I love you all .(*hug*)

    I am 29 yo , these 29 years were full of suffering and pain because of my sexuality , especially the last year when I had to face the reality and I fell into a very deep depression . My GP prescribed me AD and then he added another AD to the combination which helped a little bit but not that much .

    I knew from the beginning that ADs wont solve my problems so I decided to register in one of the dating websites and see if I could meet someone just to talk to . immediately after creating my account , one guy contacted me . He was very sweet and nice , we talked online and he helped me a lot with my problems and after a while he asked if we could meet ! to be honest I was really terrified to meet him ! the first problem is that he is older than me (46 yo)and from what I have read here that this kind of relationships wont work(isn't it?) ! second thing I was terrified from the idea of meeting someone in the real life so I apologized and didn't log in after that (I regret it now).

    Few months ago I was feeling really lonely and depressed so I decided to log in again and meet the first one who would contact me . One guy contacted me and we exchanged our contacts info , then he sent me like 10 pics !! and asked me to send him more pics of me . I sent him another face pic but he asked for more ! and then he asked me about the sex position ! so I told him that I don't think we could meet and that our criteria are different .I hated myself because I contacted him , I felt so much shame and pain . and since that time I am really scared to log in again .

    I feel better regarding my sexuality and depression , I feel that I am very close to acceptance but I need someone in real life just to talk and to get used to being gay .I am still wondering if I should contact the older guy or not ? he was really nice to me but I am still confused .

    So what do you advice me ? shall I contact him ? or should I be careful with dating sites in general ?
     
  2. bingostring

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    My first thought is to trust your initial gut reaction about the person you are thinking of meeting. Usually first impressions are valuable.

    There are possibly safer ways to meet people than these sites - which (never having used one myself - so I am biased) I understand are usually primarily used for hook up purposes. But I don't really know to be honest… The guy insisting you send pics of yourself sounds a bit of a scuzzbag.

    Can you find other ways to meet people? Usually LGBT activity groups provide a safe forum for weighing up people in a group setting before you make yourself vulnerable. I am thinking of gay hiking / walking groups, cycling, climbing, social or discussion groups, gay book clubs etc etc

    But it is good you are accepting yourself and making steps of your own to make progress and anti depressants can hopefully be a thing of the past ...
     
  3. Linux Lenny

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    Thank you bingostring for the reply

    I really liked that guy , I felt safe talking to him , he didn't ask for more pics or sex position or anything like that . He just talked to me about how he accepted himself (he was almost 30 like me when he accepted himself) and he gave me tips on how to get used to being gay .Sometimes I think seriously about meeting him .

    There are coming out groups in the universities but I don't know exactly what they do . Also I don't want now to expose myself and coming out or joining groups . I came out to some people already(my ex gf included ) but for now I want just one person to talk to , hold hands , kiss and maybe after that sex .When I feel 100% acceptance of myself I will come out to all the people .

    So I am still confused of what to do next !
     
  4. Gort

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    I can't add a huge amount. I'm 29 and just came out to myself back in October, and started coming out to others in January, so it sounds like we might be in a similar boat. From my admittedly limited experience, the smartphone app route is much more conducive to hookups, while the website based stuff where you actually have to put more effort into writing a profile, asking a bunch of pop-psych questions, etc. tends to have more short-to-long term dating minded folk (although you can find both in both types). Keep in mind that you're going to have to be a bit patient; I've been finding it a tad difficult to get past the barrier of a couple of dates thus far, so don't expect that you'll snag one person right off the bat. Just use your gut, and don't bother rushing into meeting anyone if you aren't totally comfortable. And don't be afraid about clearly defining your expectations and boundaries.

    I actually mentioned on my profile that I was recently out, and it wasn't as much of a barrier as I expected (and in a few cases helped to provide an icebreaker topic).

    Lastly, I would also suggest trying to use some of your existing support if you have it. A lot of my coming to terms with being gay was helped by talking to my existing friends about it after I came out to them. An LGBTQ group isn't a terrible idea if you can get past the initial barrier of approaching them; one thing that I am realizing I need to work on is expanding my group of queer friends who are actually located in the same city as me, so establishing that social network early might be good.
     
  5. mawwhite

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    Pretty much in your shoes re: dating even though I got 20 years on you so I can't speak from experience. But I have discussed this with my therapist who is pretty in tuned with LGBT stuff and he sais the phone apps (******/######) are basically for hookups and the more traditional dating sites (**********) are more for dating.
     
  6. TTSP

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    Similar story here, I came out to myself last September. You can find lots of people on the dating apps and I met some nice people. Most were interested in hookups it's true but I met a few people who were nice. I simply stated the situation up front, newly out etc. looking for friends.

    Daily I am encountering suppressed emotion and even discovering what sexual attraction is. I simply wasn't ready for that. It is a difficult transition, nearly a year later I really feel like I am only discovering who I am but there is so much more to discover. Also dealing with regrets, adult responsibilities, change in life plan and perspective etc. I could write a book!

    I'm reluctant to tell people I am gay however as I am not completely comfortable with it myself and would like to have met someone first. This limits people I can meet in my social circle but I'm trying to expand it. Initially I came out in a big burst of enthusiasm and wanted to meet lots of gay people now I've retreated back into my shell a bit...
     
  7. jae

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    I ran through every dating website available and to my shock most were nothing more than hook up sites you have to pay for. I did this for two years and after every date I was left with a feeling of hopelessness. every date was more painful than the next, seemed as though everyone was lying and putting up a front and not truly who they said they were. The internet is a very tricky place, protect yourself from getting hurt but be open to getting to know others. I cant offer much advice, but I do know there are genuine people out their as I have met my fiance online. Be patient, trust your gut, and have fun getting to know others! My approach, was always friends having coffee without expectations..
    best of luck....

    Jae
     
  8. mawwhite

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    I am curious jae, when you say the traditional sites,are referring to the phone app sites or the on line ones like matxx.com. My therapist is telling me those online ones are how gay guys are meeting today.
     
  9. jae

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    Yes I am talking about sites like the one you mentioned, not the apps. I have found that while these sites are intended to find partners they are far to often used for hookups.. With that having been said, I did meet my fiance on a dating website. A free one that I was reluctant to try in fear of the outcome being worse.. Lol.. the website was ###.. I just have to say be cautious..
     
  10. mawwhite

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    Would you willing to share any experiences or specific advise. I will be starting dating soon and have to admit to beein a bit warry of those sites but not sure else do it these days. Anyone else have experience? Thanks
     
  11. Brandiac

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    The MOMENT someone asks for a picture, I leave. That is if they ask it in the first 10 fucking minutes!!! Hookup--ers or what...they won't hang around to wait for me to open up, at least it's a nice filter that a lot of people do not manage to get through.
    You know if you're like me and have a lot of anger you could never let out before, these type of people are perfect. But once you find someone you actually want to meet, be sure it's a place where you're not vulnerable like a dark alley. Meet at a mall and if you end up facing a group of gay-haters who made a fake account you can get the guards to help you hopefully.

    Hope for the best, but expect the worst.
     
  12. jae

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    My personal advice, be very selective do not divuldge to much info about where you live. Messeage through the website for awhile before you give your phone #. Just remember when you give your # out, all the person has to do is google to find your address. Google their name, sometimes that will help you weed out those that my be undesirable. When and if you do decide to meet after speaking on the phone it should be in a very public place, for your safety. If your gut tells you something isnt right, listen to it. Do not give any info about your children if you have any!!!! initialy all they need to know is that he kids exist. Be vauge in the begining about personal info. Remember this, and I go by this standard, anything odd or fake about the person can only be hidden for about 3 months. So most misgivings , lies, or falsehoods about the person usually fall apart in that time frame... Thats all I have for now.... Be safe
     
  13. Linux Lenny

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    Thank you very much guys for the replies .

    The web site which I used was more web based where you have to spend time and efforts writing your profile (interests , hobbies , targets ... etc) . I noticed that there were many people who stated clearly in their profile that they are looking for sex only . In the second guy's profile was mentioned that he was looking for friends !!

    @lookingforsome : I totally agree with you , I am like you still discovering and learning about myself and about being gay .

    @EncagedPhoenix : I did't know before about anti-gay people making fake account in order to cause harm to gay men ??!! that is really frightening .

    @jae : you seem that you have a lot of experience in dating sites , did you encounter people like this before ?

    For now I feel that dating sites are my only choice , I would like to meet people and just be friends . For sure sex is ok but not before being 100% comfortable with my new identity ! I feel that with joining groups I will expose myself which is something I am not comfortable to do now .
     
  14. mangotree

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    I've used dating sites on and off for about 15 years (since before I came out).
    I made 4 of my closest friends through online dating sites (failed dates lol).
    Some of the online dating experiences have been great, some good, some bizarre, some very very boring, most of them a bit nerve racking at first.

    I've always been very careful and made sure I was 100% sure that they are who they say they are before meeting them. It's usually fairly easy to spot a faker. And always meet them in a public place.

    For some people, especially if you're shy, introverted or don't go out on the gay scene much (or at all), online dating is a great way to meet people. As long as you're sensible and safe.
    Read some of the online dating safety tips that are probably somewhere on the site that you use.

    Here's some signs of someone who's only on there for hookups, casual sex, no strings attached fun etc...
    Their profile text (or sometimes even their nickname or title) will tell you exactly what they're there for.
    They might ask you for nude pics, shirtless pics or pics of your bits.
    They usually won't want to meet up for coffee or a beer first.
    They'll ask if you're top or bottom.
    They'll want to know how "hung" you are.

    Try not to freak out if they ask for a face pic (as long as they don't ask for "other pics").
    You can always ask for theirs first.
    It's a good idea to get more than one photo of them as well if you're planning to meet them. If they don't have more than one, be a little bit skeptical or cautious.
    MOST guys online won't be on there with the malicious intent to "out" you.
    If you're nervous about sharing (regular) photos, explain your concern to them, and if they don't understand or are un-sympathetic, then they're probably not worth your time.
    Most nice people will be willing to wait until you've chatted enough to be comfortable with sharing.

    That will do for now.

    Peace be with you.
     
  15. mawwhite

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    Thanks a bunch everyone for your advice. Funny, a while back I was reading an article on these sites at HuffPost and they were talking about the lies everyone tells. Two biggest were age and height. Is everyone lying about their age and height (I find the height thing weird) .
     
  16. Linux Lenny

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    wow mangotree , thank you very much for the tips !

    As I mentioned I had 2 experiences with online dating , one is good and one is bad but I did not meet any of them in person . the second guy asked for more "face" pics but to be honest I felt that he wants body pics because of the pics he sent me , he was almost shirtless in one of the pics .

    @mawwhite it is funny that some people lie about height !!
     
  17. mangotree

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    Unfortunately some guys are a bit insecure or in denial about their age.
    They die their hair, use that skin tightener stuff, get facelifts, Botox etc... they think that if they look young and say they're young; they'll BE young again.
    Some guys do pull it off, but oh dear do they freak out if you get a peak at their drivers licence.

    I've heard stories - e.g. one guy (after not being thorough) met up with a guy that they thought was a cute 30 year old and they turned out to be sixty something. Not that there's anything wrong with being sixty something, lies just aren't a good way to start off. Luckily they met in public, so the original guy just turned around and walked away.
    Unfortunately some men of the older generations sometimes struggles to meet people, so they have to lie about it. It's deceiving, but it works sometimes. Most of them are just very very very lonely. (hope I'm not generalising way too much here).

    As for height, it's mostly short guys that want to be taller.
    Probably more-so in the straight dating world, they tend to feel a bit less of a man if the woman is taller than them.
     
  18. ChainsrGone

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    I have a side of this to share that most don't, because I met my current wife on an online dating site. Like you, I was on and off of them a lot, on more when I was in a down mode and just wanted some company who I could be myself around. But at the same time, I was always very cautious. The site I used was very detailed through the profile, and also asked a lot of questions that go into more detail about the persons interests, opinions, beliefs, etc that they choose to answer. You can answer the same questions and it helps you find people who have similar interests. But I went through a LOT of profiles, a lot of conversations and back and forths before I ever agreed to meet anyone. Actually, the only person I ended up meeting was my wife lol. We talked for about 3 months before meeting in person was even brought up. We discussed meeting in a public place (mall) during a busy time of day (lunch time on a Saturday). No personal information or phone numbers were exchanged at this time, including facebook or emails. We spoke primarily through the websites messaging system and it worked well in letting us feel safe if things did not work out between us. Mind you, it didn't happen overnight. We spoke on the site for about 4 months before slowly letting the other person in. We had 3 dates before exchanging numbers, when we were sure we wanted to move forth with things. Don't rush anything. I know it is hard when you are lonely or depressed, but it will only make things worse if you rush it then come crashing down because it didn't work.

    That's my two cents about dating sites. I tried many of them out there with not many results...but I love the one where I met my wife...and am glad I didn't give up when it didn't seem anyone was interested because if I had, I never would have met my beautiful soulmate!
     
  19. mangotree

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    I definitely agree with the 'not exchanging phone numbers' thing that a couple of other posters have suggested. Or facebook etc...
    Just use the messaging system within the site/app. Even after meeting them for the first time.
    Exercise some patience if you can.

    Not having their other details is also a brilliant deterrant.
    For some people, meeting someone that they like (and/or likes them back) is a pretty big deal and it's easy to get over excited.
    If you have their mobile number, you run the risk of getting the urge to text them 30 times a day, "over-sharing" too early, and generally coming across as desperate or clingy. It's a good way to end things before they begin.

    It's easier said than done not go at it like a bull at a gate, but short term sacrifice / long term gain.
     
  20. PatrickUK

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    I think some websites are better than others and it really does depend on what you are looking for. Some websites are more focused on hook ups, while others have a greater emphasis on friendship and relationships. If you are looking for something more than sex, join these websites, but be patient. I'm not sure it was the right idea to consider meeting the first guy to make contact, although I can appreciate you did this out of frustration with the depressed and lonely feelings.

    Personally, I'd always be a little wary of guys who insist on photo's. It's nice to put a face to a name, but it shouldn't be a pre-requisite for chatting to someone and I would definitely avoid anyone who wanted something more intimate than a face pic.

    If you are thinking of meeting people through online websites have a very clear idea about who/what you are looking for and don't compromise on the essential qualities. Be prepared for friends only as you are not going to meet Mr Right at the first attempt unless you are very lucky.

    Online dating definitely can work... it did for me, but not at the first, second or third attempt. Go into it with an open mind and clear idea about what you want and it could come good for you.

    In all honesty, if you are just looking for friendly, like minded people to chat to or for support I think you are already posting in the right place.