Scared and excited

My boyfriend and I have been together a very long time and he is my best friend and I feel awful that I just don't love him that way and I know it won't work in the long run. I have talked to him about my sexuality several times and he was very accepting of it, but I don't think he realizes how serious I am about it and how I can't keep living a lie even though i care very deeply for him. I need to separate myself from him to be able to find myself and who I really am. I've been pushing my real feelings aside for so long that I've kind of lost myself over time.

I'm freaking out with anxiety because I know I will be having a very emotional conversation with my boyfriend soon. He doesn't know that I have been looking for a place of my own and he keeps talking about us getting a place together. He's still in denial about this. I need to let him know my intentions and just deal with whatever his reaction will be. I'm nit sure how to start the conversation though. I'm going to do it sometime this week because he needs to know and I need him to know. It's constantly on my mind and is causing more stress by not telling him. Just thinking about it now is causing my hands to be sweaty and making my breathing irregular. I keep having to take really deep breaths to try and keep myself from having a full blown panic attack.

Such a mix of emotions. I'm sad about ending our relationship, but also excited about finally letting myself be who i really am and starting down a new path that i have wanted to travel down for so long. I know it's not going to be easy, but it must be done if i ever want to be happy. So nervous...I've been thinking about this for several months now and it's time to take the next step and make it real. I'm kind of expecting him to want some space from me for a while once i tell him and am ready to allow him to have time to process it all. Hopefully after that we can be friends because i can't imagine my life without him in it. He's the one person in this world that i have a real connection with, i hope he doesn't hate me after i tell him that i am actively looking for a place of my own. I would understand if he reacts with anger at first, but i think it would only be temporary. I think he is actually in a mix of denial and bargaining by the different compromises he has tried to make to keep our relationship working.

 

I really like the idea of writing him a letter and sitting with him while he reads it. I just can't bring myself to say it to him out loud because i feel like i would be nervous and unable to think straight and get tongue tied and say something wrong. With a letter i would be able to gather my thoughts and say exactly what i want to say.

I am thankful that we never married or had kids even though we have been together for a very long time and might as well be. Everyone is always asking when we are getting married and why haven't we yet and how long have you two been together etc. Whenever someone asks me that now i actually pause because i am consciously aware of the reason why we have never married instead of trying to ignore those thoughts, but i can't just say that to people...at least not yet. When I was very young i knew that my attraction to women and only women was very different and something to keep secret. I just learned to keep it secret too well so that i started losing parts of myself. I think i am ready to reclaim those pieces and just be me and have some optimism for once. I have spent way too many years hating myself for this more and more the longer i try to deny it. I don't even know who i am anymore, I've in a way lost my personality. I come across to people as cold and uncaring because my personality is so flat. People that know me know not to take it that way, it's just how i am. I barely even smile and when i try it feels very forced and awkward. I have succeeded in making myself miserable. I am actually a very nice and caring person, but it's difficult for me to show because i am just so unhappy. I kind of got off topic there, gonna quit rambling now.

 

I do love my boyfriend and am happy when we are together, but when it starts getting sexual it changes. I have no desire towards him and he's so attentive to me. It makes me feel bad that i have to work so hard to be with him like that. I want to make him feel good, but i lose interest so easily and i know this can't be good for his self esteem. He knows about my attraction to women and that i don't feel that way towards him, but he still wants to make it work. I think he is at the point now that he is seeing this isn't going to work no matter how much we want it to. We both have issues with depression and other things going on. We are pretty much all either one has to talk to so i really hope he doesn't take this too badly. I fear that he might just shut me out completely and spiral down into a deep depression. I want to be there for him, but it might be too painful for him just to be around me.

 

Yeah, my boyfriend keeps saying things like that too and it makes things so much harder. He says things like how I'm the only person in this world that he cares about, his family is pretty messed up. He also says that i am the perfect woman to him. That everyone one else in the world could go to hell and he doesn't care about anyone, but me. That's a lot of pressure that makes me want to keep my true feelings stuffed down. Guess I'm going down on this roller coaster again...weee! :bang:

 

So, back up on the roller coaster. I think i am starting to grieve about my relationship with my boyfriend even though we are still together. I cried for a couple hours straight yesterday before i had to go to work and it really made me feel better. I actually had a pretty good day for once. I rarely ever let myself cry, it usually just comes out at the worst time n i try to fight it back as much as i can because i can't just beak down at work. I was feeling pretty sad when i woke up yesterday and just decided to let myself feel it and let the tears out n i just cried for a couple hours, even through a shower. I made myself stop and pulled myself together in time for work. I forgot how healing crying can be, it's not good that I've been holding in so much for so long. I need to let myself feel the sadness in order to get over it. I'm so new to this whole feeling thing. I need to come clean with my boyfriend and tell him how much this is affecting my happiness, i just don't know when the right time is to say it. I haven't felt the right moment yet.

 

I can't keep ignoring what i want in life. I feel so happy when i allow myself to think about the possibilities of what my life could be if i just keep making progress little by little. Then other times i feel so sad because I'm still pretty far away from making it my reality. Who knows how long it will be until i actually meet a woman and have that first butterfly filled date? I feel a strong guttural ache and longing to just be with a woman and it's not all about sex, just a very strong attraction and desire that before a few months ago i wouldn't even allow myself to think much about. Now that i am accepting it i kind of know why i have felt so empty for so long, just dragging by day to day numb to most things. I am starting to feel actual happiness and it feels great. It's still a mix of emotions though because i care deeply for my boyfriend and don't want to hurt him. I feel bad that thinking about breaking up with him makes me feel happy, just so wrong. Knowing how hurt he will be. I still feel guilty about it, but I'm working on that. I try to remind myself that I'm not a bad person because of this. I didn't do it intentionally, it just took me a long time to realize that it is more than simple attraction to women and that the need is not going to go away ever, it's only going to increase. I can't ignore it, my heart won't leave me alone.