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Has anyone divorced from their straight spouse and regretted it?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by valerie247, May 5, 2014.

  1. valerie247

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    Title says it all.
     
  2. ProtegeMoi

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    Ooh. I've been wondering this too! (Sorry I'm no help)
     
  3. CyclingFan

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    My greatest current fear. That heading down this path is not what I actually want. That this is a phase. That I'll be ruining a relationship with a lot of good points.

    Fear of making mistakes is a big issue for me, throughout my life, though. And hammering myself with regret if it doesn't work out.

    This is a bit of a recurrent theme for me though. Honestly, it has a lot to do with why I'm in this situation!
     
  4. Oh wow, I'm wondering this too. Thank you for asking!
     
  5. greatwhale

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  6. Ebro1122

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    Well, I broke off an engagement. I don't regret it at all. It gets easier once you realize how much happier you are being honest with yourself.
     
  7. mawwhite

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    I think we all wonder this during the transition period. I certainly do. Is the grass really greener? One thing I know for sure the grass is brown on this side. Having said this, I do belong to a support group and everyone who has divorced and moved on says emphatically is was.
     
  8. biAnnika

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    Valerie, this is an *awesome* question. It doesn't apply to me, but I'm dying to see the response. I'm going to re-post this as a poll, though, so you get the perspective both of who did and who didn't have regrets...I hope that's ok.
     
  9. Newbeginning

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    I've been worrying about this too. Just split up with my husband of almost 8 years of marriage and almost a year after coming out to him. I'm so devastated and afraid I'm making a mistake. But when I'm with him I'm miserable too. So I'm guessing I just need to go through all the grieving of the ending of the marriage first and then I'll be ok, or hopefully.
     
  10. Spaceman

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    It's been six months since I came out to my wife and moved out of the house at her request. Divorce is now inevitable. And yes, I still have frequent moments of regret and occasional sleepless nights, especially when I think about the turmoil I have created for my wife and my young kids.

    The fact is, there is a lot to regret. I gave up the stability, security and ease of a middle class heterosexual family life. I've severely wounded the woman who was my best friend for half my life. I am denying my kids the kind of traditional family life I always wanted for them. I am denying myself the comfort of knowing I'll have some to love and grow old with in my later years.

    It's gut wrenching at times. It really is. But despite the pain and heartache and regret, I still believe coming out was the right thing to do. I'd been depressed, numb and disengaged in life for years before coming out...the closet's heavy toll. My wife and I were becoming more and more like roommates as time passed. I knew nothing would improve unless I stood up to the fear that I've let define my life...the fear of being me.

    There's no guarantee I'll find the happiness that I seek. But I'm certain I never would have found it in the closet, living a life of lies, deception and self hate. At least now, there is hope. And that's a good place to start.
     
  11. Penpal

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    I'm going through this now. So far I don't miss my husband. I do miss my kids when he has them though. I am miserable at the moment but its only been a week and I don't regret it. My husband had control over me and has been horrible over the last few months. He is being nice now but it's too late I have seen a side to him I don't like. My only regret is having to lose time with my beautiful children however I am now relaxed when I am with them and the time I have with them is happy.
     
  12. Alehkz

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    The fear of regret should be a regret in itself. Being true to yourself isn't easy, but if you can live with the fear of regretting something to the point of doing nothing, you're already living your worst fear.
     
  13. valerie247

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    Thank you for all of the honest answers. I am struggling right now.
     
  14. Rose27

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    No regrets. Post divorce: Lonely- Yes. Scary-yes. Worth it- YES!
    I wrote a longer post on biAnnika's poll thread. The freedom of living in truth is worth it.
    I got tired of not being able to breathe. What I discovered was once I started on a path to truth it has evolved and revealed things I never expected.
     
  15. Pete1970

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    Can't tell you if I have regrets as we were a few weeks from filing for divorce but decided to try to stay together. So now after 3 months of marriage counseling, things are not significantly better.

    But its the fear of regret that is difficult to reconcile. What if I'm not happier, what if I do this and all it does in the end is hurt my wife, children and myself more than if I stay?
     
  16. Choirboy

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    I haven't divorced yet, although we are discussing how we want this to play out in the future. I don't expect to have any regrets other than than I should have given her the chance to live her own life sooner. There's a chance we will end up with some kind of friendship eventually IF I make the majority of the effort (which I will probably do out of concern for her emotional state, more so than any other reason). But I wouldn't be at this point if I was not already certain that it was the right thing to do. I thought this through for a long time before I even began coming out to people, and realized that it's the best thing for everyone, even if it may not feel that way to her at the moment.

    It's always seemed to be my responsibility in our relationship to be the calm, quiet voice of reason who was most often ignored, but managed to prevent at least some of the chaos and insanity. Coming out and eventually divorcing has a lot to do with sexuality, of course. But it's also about reclaiming my personality, my interests, and entering into a relationship with someone who is kind and open and cares about me and "us" as much as himself. I don't see myself having any regrets about that, ever.
     
  17. Highlander2

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    And these are exactly the same feelings that I have. The fear that I've hurt the woman I loved for half my life, and exactly as Spaceman said - deprived them all of the life they thought was just going to happen for them. There are times where I look at her and the guilt and sadness almost becomes overwhelming and I have this urge to ask her forgiveness and just try and go back to the way it 'was' (or how I might think it was on a dark day). But I love having sex with a man; I love being close to my 'friend' and sleeping with him and love the connection we have together. So despite the feeling of sadness at what has passed - and the sadness and guilt spending time with my family sometimes brings to me - I know totally that I am at ease with being with a guy and everything that brings with it. Divorce is not something that we are thinking about just now. It will happen, in time, but neither of us is desperate to break that up yet. We both accept that the marriage as it was is over - that we can stay friends and close ones at that both for each other and for the kids - but there is no huge rush to divorce. Maybe when that day comes it will be a bigger shock - the finality of it - to both of us but I'm hoping we will both have moved on in our own lives before we get to that stage.

    There is the fear that I'll be alone in my old age. That I'll end up getting sucked into some stereotypical gay lifestyle of serial hook ups and no real connection and commitment with someone when, in reality, could I have just worked away at it with my wife? Possibly. But that would have been based on never fully realising the gay feelings I had were real and not acting on it. So there can't be any going back. Only forward.
     
  18. CyclingFan

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    That's well said. I feel 100% of all of this.
     
  19. BiWayOfEquality

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    I'm in a 13 year marriage with a man I've fully love but now my bisexuality is becoming full on lesbian. I'm 36 & my greatest fear in all of this is being homeless & alone. The fear is real. I feel like I'm just roomies with him some of the times and sex 1-2 times a month is all. I'm sorry but when I see a weenie I make an unhappy Ewww face & that I know is an issue. We don't have any children. It's just him & I. Also he knew from 1st meeting I was/am very bisexual. No secrets.

    I hope my story helps you a bit.

    Btw I don't have any of my family tree what so ever & so this will/would be scary.
     
    #19 BiWayOfEquality, May 7, 2014
    Last edited: May 7, 2014