I'm having a very hard night. My husband and I used to keep a journal to pass back and forth on occasion. We'd write notes to each other, and it came in great use when we had big emotions to discuss and needed time to gather our thoughts. I haven't used it since coming out, but I did tonight. I have the compulsion to share it here. Really, I seem to have cataloged my entire range of emotions here, so this seems fitting. It's also helped me to read others' posts when they are vulnerable, so maybe someone will be helped by mine. I will preface this by saying that my husband is my best friend and my family. We do not have a bad relationship. If he were a woman, I would have everything. But it is not working. It can't work. OK, enough, here it is: "I want to write to you. I miss you. I miss what we had together. I feel like my whole world is falling apart. At the same time, I feel as though I am finally in my own skin. Sometimes, I don't know if I can handle all of this. I start to think about all we've created together and all that we still have to look forward to together and my heart bursts. I think of these journals we've kept. The fun we have when we get to be together without the kids. It's just too much to lose. All of the promises I've made you. All of my life that I have given you. All of your life you have given to me. You've given me the most amazing and precious piece of you. How can I betray that trust? How can I give you any less than you've given me? I want our life together so badly. I want to be with you so badly. I crave that relationship. And still, even still, even in this storm, even in the midst of so much loss and so much grief, I am finally in my own skin. I am simultaneously so lost and so at home."
Wow. You should totally share that with him. He might get some closure. It seems to me that is what you both need. You can't leave your home unless the door is locked. Why, then, would you want to come back expecting the door wide open? Your kids will always be hours and his, a part of you and him will always be. But who you are is a journey that he cannot walk for you. He has his own path to be lost and found. If that isn't the essence of life, nothing else would make it worth it. Always be kind and be patient with yourself and love and accept yourself. By doing this, ultimately you will find the courage to set him free, free as he has always been. Love isn't meant to keep two together forever. Love teaches us our boundaries, our willingness to yield, it makes us and breaks us; it teaches us to find the things in life that matter and enjoy them as we go along... and erodes us into the shape we need to be.
I think what you have written shows you are moving forward, you're grieving ATM. You will share great emotions, in your own skin, with a beautiful women one day.
Wow, I'm sorry I didn't notice this thread sooner. Such a moving expression. Valerie, something to remember is that if you were capable of having this kind of wonderful relationship with your husband, then it's not because he's so perfect, or because the two of you are so perfect together...it's because you are capable of having such a relationship. Therefore, at some undetermined point in the future, you are capable of having it again with another person. I know that doesn't make the pain of pulling back from this relationship any less...but it could make it easier knowing that you're not giving up something that can never be equaled or exceeded. I once thought there was exactly one perfect person for each of us, and I was determined to find that person. I realized later that no...there are *loads* of people I can love...and in fact do love...but that our choice is really about who we're going to commit to or spend our time with. If sex wasn't important to you, you might be able to stay with your husband...but clearly it is important (it's important to most of us). So despite how wonderful your relationship is/has been, there is a critical incompatibility that keeps it from being one of those many potential perfect relationships. This one served its purpose in its time. No doubt, you're a better and more whole person for what you shared with your husband. Now it's time to let that go, but peacefully and with fondness and gratitude, and start moving toward the next amazing stage. I wish you so much luck. *hugs*
Beautifull ill keep that idea about journal in my mind. Its easier to share things that are hard and need some thinking.
