So I have been coming into "awareness" of my gender for a long period of time now. When I was a teenager, I identified as a gay male. I realized in time that this was not who I was; that I was certainly more female than male in the way I thought and acted and this deserved my attention. So in my adult life, I've come to identify as a "straight" trans*-female. I let my parents in on this, as we're sharing living space while I do field work for my MA. I mean, I only wanted to let them be PART of this - at least that was my intent. The reaction has never been positive by either parent, both of whom are in their 60s (I'm in my late 20s). Both seem to take the stance that since I don't "appear" female; I'm not - but at the same time they're oddly "accepting" telling me that if I want to do something to change my appearance they'll have no issue with it. But that's just it. I don't want that kind of acceptance because a female presentation is NOT part of what I am. I've tried to explain what I am, even tried showing them Gingerbread Person 2.0. No avail. I've even heard my step-father make the iconic comment "I'm sick of HIM throwing his gender up in my face!" (I don't know what this is about. The only thing I really insist on in this house, and it doesn't happen is female pronouns and my name be respected. Is it really up to me to get them to understand that they have a daughter, not a son? Is it ever up to me to help them understand? What do I do? It's more disheartening that they had absolutely no problems about my identifications as a gay male. But now there are issues. ~Sincerely, Melia. Very confused and a little crestfallen.
Part of the problem is that they don't have the benefit of being in your head. You have constant access to all your emotions and thoughts. When you walk around and you don't outwardly appear female, it doesn't change how you feel INSIDE. If you are comfortable with your body and presentation, you can still look inside yourself and think that you know who you are and you know why you feel that way. Your parents don't. What your parents have is you saying "treat me like a woman" and then watch you treating yourself like a man, at least in terms of outward expression. When they say they would be fine with you changing your appearance in some way, to them that probably stands as evidence of what you are talking about. Right now, they don't have that. It's hard to get used to an idea when you really don't have a lot of reminders. They might get used to the right pronouns but it's going to be difficult for them to sit there and think of you as their daughter when as far as they can see you really aren't any different to their son! How long ago did you tell them?
Wonderful insights Ellia! I had never thought of it that way. I have only recently told them - maybe a few months ago? However, I'm starting to try to do through other channels what you suggest - by being unilaterally open. I correct anyone else when they refer to me by my sex-name or with masculine pronouns, and this is in communities where my parents work/live/worship/etc. I guess I'm not so much forcing the idea as I am growing a flower? It'll take time I know. I'm just so frustrated I think especially because they were so accepting of me as a gay man and NOT as a straight woman. To me that's EXTREMELY weird. And thanks for the warm welcome!, Rose! Received nothing but warm welcome here! Everyone so far seems wonderful! : D
