I am asking here because the people on this section will know what I am on about. I don't want to upset anyone. Anyway I used to be pretty religious, I went to a Catholic school went to church etc. and I was told in school that sex is only between a man and his wife, that masturbation is flat out wrong (Quote - "If your genitals were for fun they would be shaped like a game boy") and that sex is only for making little babies. I even took an abstinence pledge When I realised that I was gay I repressed any feeling towards the same gender, I tried to act straight, ended up asking "God" for help getting myself straight and stuff like that. I even started trying to date girls and thought if I "lived the lie" I would straighten out. Eventually I had a breakdown (I was self harming at this point) spent the summer of my MSc course practically in bed crying and I eventually got the guts to accept myself 9 years too late. Anyway I never got that serious with a girl thankfully and I wonder how selfish was I thinking of using some poor girl to help me lie to the world. I am wondering how do people do it ? What would have happened if I got married to a girl and kept the lie up ?
Welcome to EC. A lot of people here have been through or are going through the same thing as you. You have com eto the right place to talk about your feelings. Love Molly xxx
Good question and its not going to upset anyone here. "How can we do it", well I can't. Yeah maybe I faked for decades but now look at me. Getting divorced, trying to start a new life as a gay man at 50. Believe you don't want to follow in my shoes. Just live you life as YOU should. Screw what they told you in school all of them were masterbating and more.
Most of us later in life folks who are married or divorced from strait spouses will tell you we love/loved our spouses very much. We had active sex lives with them, had children, built our families with love. Was I in love? No but I could not tell you that when I 1st got married. Love and sexuality are complicated. We all had reasons for staying in the closet so long. Those of us who knew we were gay when we got married genuinely believed we could make our marriages work and be happy.
Some of us hadn't even realized that we weren't straight when we got married. So there wasn't a deception at the time - and therefore no guilt necessarily to carry around. But the realization that I was attracted to men sexually kept building until I couldn't ignore it any longer - and it eventually became all-consuming. So yes - for me - it worked for almost 10 years. But towards the end I was tortured by my same sex attraction and hated myself for it, and what I was doing as a result. Don't think of it as having wasted 9 years of your life! You're only 23! What would you have done differnetly at 14 anyway? In the environment that you lived in it was probably best that you kept this to yourself. At 23, I was still a virgin and would be for another 2 years. Was I happy about that? Not really - but in the end it's OK. I figured myself out in my late 30s, and I'm making up for lost time.
What Rose said - every word. I was really good at acting straight. I had (still have) a beautiful wife whom I love very very much. We click extremely well, and sex was always fun and pleasurable for both of us (I suppose I shouldn't speak for her in this regard!). I was even in the Army. I had a variety of male friends. I went to bachelor parties, and yes, strip clubs. Before I got married, I dated a few girls and had various "firsts" with them. I plan to write a longer post about developments in my story soon enough, but in a nutshell, I decided I could not stay committed to my wife after 10 years of being together and four years married. I am out about being gay to more and more people almost every day. ALL of the people I have told have been very surprised. In sum, guys like you and me CAN live a straight life. But it is an awful way to live. Depression will hit you in waves whenever you see things in life that remind you of what you DON'T have. You will talk to yourself a lot about things you are really feeling and thinking. You will never feel completely close to anybody because you will always be hiding. It's a lot to take on, and for what? So that people who you see only rarely (how many people do you really see more than once or twice a week?) don't think you are weird? 23 is a perfect age to come out. Start slow and see how it feels. I'm betting you will love how it makes you feel, for the most part. ---------- Post added 9th May 2014 at 09:22 AM ---------- I just noticed you are already out to everyone. Nice.
Link it is good to see you on here- you replied to one of my posts back in the fall. I am interested to hear how your story is developing. You may remember my story - you can check some of my postings to catch up with me deciding to go ahead and come out. Still very early in the process but, despite the stress and unease, I feel happier about it. When I was with Melissa I began to get glimpses of what my life might be like with her and I realize it would be an awful tortured existence.
I honestly loved my first husband but I never liked sex with Him or any guy. Never. Never did anything for me, if you know what I mean. I so wished that I could be married and just be friends. We divorced. I got married a second time as I was going to an extremely fundy church and it was kind of expected. I walked out on him and didn't have a relationship for ten years. Fast forward many years and I finally "got it". I really did have a strong inkling before but everything clicked when I met up with a high school classmate and her fiance. It felt like I was home. I was welcomed into "the family" immediately and it is there I am staying. There is life after organized religion. Really.
I didn't really have much choice, I was in depression, harming and having overbearing parents who want to know why their only son has never had a relationship and came back from college with a pair of arms covered in cuts.. ---------- Post added 10th May 2014 at 09:40 AM ---------- I don't know, I just wish I joined a LGBT teen support group or something, I needed someone to tell me there is nothing wrong with being gay at that age, instead of the Catholic intolerance
Well you can't go back and change anything - so just make the best of it now. I'm going to quote another advisor - Lex - who would say this: Imagine you have an all day pass for Disney World, but you've slept in until noon. Do you stand outside the gate beating yoursefl up for having slept in? Or do you charge through the gates and make the most of the rest of the day?!? It just makes sense to charge in and have fun. All of us struggle with 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' but they don't do any of us any good.
I just found this site today and I just love it. It is exactly what I have been looking for. I am in a period of transition, trying to find my true sexuality. I am at the point to where I am absolutely ok with whatever it may be, even excited as I feel myself leaning towards gay. The more I "allow myself to go there" in my mind, the better it feels. It's starting to feel right in every way. Love the support here! Thanks all!
Hey Payatt, welcome to EC! Hopefully, in the spirit of this thread, you become who you are! And we are here to support you (and to support each other) all the way!
