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Becoming camp / outwardly gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mangotree, May 7, 2014.

  1. mangotree

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    Where to start...

    So a lot of my gay friends are kind of ... well, you can tell that they're gay without having to do much guess work.
    I personally see it as a sign of self confidence (or at least non-self-shame), not giving a f**k what other people think about them and just being themselves regardless of what the world around them thinks. I really admire that.

    Immediately before, during and after coming out (for about a year all up) I, myself went through a stage of being "outwardly gay"; dressing crazily, colouring my hair, using my hands a fair bit when I talked, using words like "sweety" and "darling", I loved to dance and sing and found it really easy to talk to new people, and easy to be non-judgemental and smiley and happy and relaxed and "free". It was a really fun time.
    Now, over the 10 or so years that followed, I slowly and gradually got boring and plain and "straight". So much so, that now; no one ever asks if I'm gay and sometimes new friends actually take a fair bit of convincing before they actually believe that I'm gay.
    I quite liked it when other gay people knew that I was gay, but now I don't even cause a blip on their "gay-dar"

    I've been with friends during the process of their coming out, they started being more "outwardly gay" just like I did. But they are still like that years later, whereas mine has declined.

    So I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?
    Do you think it was just coming out that caused me to feel that freedom for a short time?
    Any ideas what might have caused the decline?
    Is it worth trying to re-discover that feeling and openness? Perhaps start "acting" that way again until it feels normal again?

    By the way, I understand that this is a much smaller "coming out" problem than many other people on this site will have, I just wanted to share my experience and see if anyone shares it.

    Peace be with you all.
     
  2. gravechild

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    Perhaps this "rainbow phase" is something most gay men go through during their coming out process, and for several reasons: becoming more comfortable with one's self, wanting to fit in with others who are also outwardly "camp", and, in some cases, they're simply playing up their natural tendencies just to rock the boat.

    It's no secret that there are feminine, masculine, androgynous, etc. men, but that heteronormative practices dictate all men appear and behave as masculine as possible, so those who fall outside of those standards would face pressure to conform. Once you admit to yourself and others that you *are* gay, which for many men, is the lowest thing, it becomes that much easier to be your true self.

    Your sexuality obviously isn't a phase, but again, perhaps in your quest to find what "worked" for you, by imitating those around you, it became clear that that wasn't who you were, and that being gay didn't mean you had to adhere to stereotypes. Not to mention that your teens and young adulthood are still stages where a person is experimenting and trying to find where they fit in the world, so naturally, some of the craziest expressions would surface around this time.

    As for me, I've never been what you would call "camp", though I definitely wear female clothing at times, and have a rather androgynous appearance. For years, I felt terrible about being small, thin, and effeminate in other ways, so when those expectations and worries went away, it's like a whole new world opened up right then and there.
     
  3. mangotree

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    Very sound advice and information gravechild :slight_smile: thanks.
    I've never really heard of the "rainbow phase" before, but it makes sense.
     
  4. Linux Lenny

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    Well , I am a masculine gay guy , I like how I speak and behave but sometimes I think about piercing my ears , buying more colourful clothes (I used to wear black or grey mostly ) and doing things which I didn't do when I was teen . This started after I accepted myself but of course I am still terrified of doing these things .

    I think , you wouldn't have changed back to the "straight-look" if you really liked the new look .
     
  5. CyclingFan

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    I've noticed that I seem to be "policing" my body movements. Heck, I kinda noticed that before.

    It's put tension in my body. As I'm letting go of that, my back is hurting less.

    ---------- Post added 8th May 2014 at 11:21 AM ----------

    I guess, I don't give a fk if sometimes I "swish"
     
  6. OGS

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    I think in general people--both straight and gay--tend to become less outrageous as they get older. I don't think you've really gotten any less gay, maybe you have gotten a little more boring--I know I have as I've gotten older. I used to do all sorts of stuff. I used to keep body glitter in 5 shades. I remember I had this little black shirt I loved that had "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm sleeping with your boyfriend." written across the chest. I was one of those guys whose shirt came off the moment it was even marginally appropriate. It was a riot and I had a great time and then I just kind of stopped over time. It wasn't that I became less gay or even became more worried about being seen as gay--if anything the presence of a long term partner accomplishes more clear visibility than even the most outlandish wardrobe ever did--it just all started to seem like an awful lot of work. Perhaps it really does have something to do with the fact that gay is now so thoroughly worked into the fabric of my life that wearing it across my chest just seems sort of redundant.

    If there's something you want to do that you're not--do it. If what you want has simply changed and what you do has changed accordingly there's nothing wrong with that. If you like who you were then and you like who you are now then engage in an occasional bout of nostalgia and call it a day. If there really is something missing from your life now that you once had, go out there and get it back.
     
  7. GayNurse95

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    Do it bro. I go all out butch.
    Who ever knew Boxers where so comfy and men's clothes so comfy?
     
  8. mangotree

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    Haha, I used to have a singlet that had "I Love Cowboys" written across the front, even had a cowboy hat that I always wore with it (does that mean I loved myself??? :-/)
    I'm definitely not less gay / more straight on the inside, so nothing to worry about there.
    Actually, come to think of it, when I got into my first long term relationship (which is over now), that's when my "fabulousness" really took a sharp decline.

    Interesting...
     
  9. BlueSky224

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    I see this as a sort of immersion phase. This is to borrow from models of racial identity theory by William Cross.

    I get the impression that many gay men are lost on how to behave, may not be able to articulate their sexual identity in words, so they end up using body language, clothing, and vocabulary to send the message.

    It can be rewarding. The more salient gay guy need not go through the trouble of coming out, and might have the fortune of more dates.

    To follow Cross' model, there is then an "internalization" phase in which the external salience is less meaningful.

    I also think that some gay men just need a release. They have struggled with their emotions for so long, that they come tearing out of the closet in the most public way possible.

    I know that I never had this experience. I've always been just about the same (boring and nerdy.) But I'm sometimes jealous of the more expressive gay men, aware that they don't have to correct inaccurate assumptions of heterosexuality, and that they might have an easier time meeting guys.
     
  10. sagebrush

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    Last summer I got some purple "tennies" to show off a little bit of my gay side. They're fun to wear and they uniquely reflect my colorful style. Who'da thunk I'd ever wear purple shoes?