Thinking of coming out to my wife this week

I wish you all the best, Cycling Fan. It seems as though you have given this decision more thought than most. Here's some advice from my experience ( I don't know if it is right for you, so take it for what it is):

Your wife's reaction may very well mirror, to some extent, the attitude you project when telling her. Try to stay focused on answering her questions and just being as honest as you are able. Don't try to console her unless you get the sense that is what she wants. React to what she is telling you she wants. Do not get let yourself get angry at the hurtful things she may say, but do not let her draw conclusions that do not reflect what is really going on in your head. Be kind and make these communications your number one priority, but be understanding that your wife may need to take breaks and go about her life while processing. Just be available when she needs you.

If she is pro things LGBT as you say, she likely will feel devastation, not because you are gay, but because you lied to her and asked her to marry you nonetheless.

Good luck, friend.

 

These are not lies you told her, these were what you thought were facts at the time even though you were incorrect about them. There is a difference, the difference being intentional deceit and accidental misinformation.

 

I agree with everything else that has been said here. Your own level of confidence with your decision to come out will make a big difference, less with HER reaction, than with your ability to DEAL with her reaction.

Start, in your own mind, with considering your most touchy, hot-button feelings on the subject. Those are the ones that will cause you the most trouble, particularly if she doesn't react well. Make sure you have the confidence to address the things that give you the most fear, because at some point, one way or another, they will come up. And to paraphrase Yossarian, remember that the decisions of the past may appear to be "lies" based on what you know now, but remember that when you made them, your viewpoint was very different. I've been accused of getting married only to provide myself with children and a "normal" suburban family life. If I look back, I can see that there's some truth to that, but at the time, it wasn't really a conscious decision. More like, this is what I am supposed to do, and this woman seems to be everything I should want, based on what I know and what I see other people feeling. You can't make yourself the bad guy for not being able understand and accept yourself years ago. All you can do is realize that you were too shut off from yourself to make the decisions that should have been made.

It's not easy, but know that many of us here have gone through it, and in the end, it was the right thing to do, and we are stronger, happier and more honest as a result. Whatever happens, whenever it happens, we're in your corner.

 

I'm not so sure it would be a great idea for you to go into the conversation with your wife ready to argue that you did not lie to her by withholding the truth about you vein gay throughout your relationship and when you asked her to marry you. Unless you truly did just learn that you are gay after you were married, which was not the case for me but I have heard other people on EC say this happened to them, your "omission" is pretty much a lie because it is extremely misleading and you knew that your wife relied on her assumption that you were not gay. One can get technical and say that you only lied if your wife asked if you were gay and you said you were not. I'm not so sure omitting such an important fact (that you're gay) qualifies as "accidental misinformation." Whoops, I accidentally forgot to tell you that I am more attracted to men than women? Maybe if one is bisexual this could be the case?

ChoirBoy's description is the better one I think. "This woman seems to be everything I want ...." For me, my wife was the ideal wife and I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. I didn't realize that my sexual attraction to other men would expand and become a very strong emotional and romantic attraction to other men. It hit me about a year after I was married and began to consume me. To the extent that I didn't realize that would happen, I did not lie to my wife. However, I knew I was sexually attracted to men very early on and I omitted that information when building a life with the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. That, to me, qualifies as a lie. Am I ashamed of my lie? Yes, very much. I screwed over my wife in many important respects because of it. Now she is heartbroken. But even though I am ashamed of the lie, I am not going to wallow in it. I am going to make amends to my wife the best I can and I am going to move on.

 

Hi CyclingFan

Just over a year ago I came out to my wife after coming to realise over the last 10 years that I was gay as described in my blog http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6683-blog-entry-1-discovering-i-gay-my-mid-40s.html , My blog goes on to explain what happened on the night I came out to give you one view of an outing that went OK http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6730-blog-entry-2-coming-out-my-wife.html

I prepared in advance some notes to serve as a memory jogger and also to give to her to read since there is a lot to take in. I have placed a copy of the notes in my blog http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html please feel free to use them for a possible guideline.

I came out to her because the stress of remaining in the closet was too great and I had reached the lowest point in my life and was feeling really suicidal; I didn’t care if she wanted me gone from the house immediately. I was fortunate in that my wife was very supportive and understanding so other than sleeping on the sofa that night all was well. In hindsight I should have been prepared for an adverse reaction with at least some sort of rough plan in place just in case I was sent packing as some other EC members have experienced. You may want to think on that and check out some of the other posts on here where guys & girls have been thrown out of the family home.

I have also included in my blog some notes on the first 10 days afterwards as my wife started to come to terms with it all. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...e-first-10-days-after-coming-out-my-wife.html

I hope all goes well for you and your wife when you do tell her but don’t rush into it unless you feel totally ready and have at least thought through some of the possible consequences. I would also have a clear idea in your mind as to how you want to move forward i.e. what’s the end game divorce, separation living in 2 homes or separated in the same house, or trying an open relationship of some sort.

Hope this helps

Sale Gay Guy (*hug*)

 

Thank you for sharing this. I too am nearing a decision to come out to my wife and family soon. I have struggled with understanding who I am for a long long time. I had pretty much convinced myself that I was just addicted to gay porn. I now believe that Gay porn was the only thing that kept me connected to my true self. I can no longer keep living in a space that creates shame and guilt. I am who I am - a gay man born a couple decades too soon. I am so thankful that we are see so many shifts. I just wish the Christian church would catch up. My faith and spirituality has been so rooted in a place that will not be able to accept me for who I truly am. This makes me very sad.

 

I hear and understand your struggle. I am where you are too. I am out to myself and to a spiritual companion who is guiding me to better self understanding.

I am so terrified that I will deeply wound my wife, this is the last thing I want to do, but I can no longer live in the darkness of my interior spaces.

 

You're peeling the onion. Layer by layer and it makes you cry. Your are stronger you're doing all the right things take comfort in that

 

MarriedOver50,

You're not alone in feeling that gay porn was the only thing that connected you to your true self. That was my only outlet for 18 years or so. That, and many many conversations with myself. It was as though I developed split personalities as a mechanism to hide the truth. It worked for a long time.

 

I never thought of the split personality analogy, but it's really very accurate. It's as if the gay aspect to my personality was partitioned off and brought out only when I was alone and could indulge myself in all the fantasies that I wouldn't let myself be part of when I was with anyone else. My upbringing kept even straight sexuality rather neatly folded up on the top shelf of the closet, and anything remotely gay was way at the back of the shelf with stuff piled on top of and in front of it. Coming out has been quite the exercise, not only in discovering the feelings that were buried years ago, but in integrating them into my day-to-day personality.

The process is not easy, I can tell you that. Some spouses have wanted an immediate divorce, and some have done everything they could to to try and bargain their way into staying married; some have gone into denial and wanted to hide things from friends and family forever, where others have basically outed their spouse to the world in retaliation. Once again, that's where drawing on every reserve of confidence and self-worth is important, because while the worst rarely happens, you should be prepared for it on some level. Not saying that to scare you (either of you, CyclingFan or marriedover50), just a reality check and a reminder to be strong and be prepared. Sounds like you both are close to the place I was last summer, where I really had to open up - the decision was not "should I come out?", but rather "how do I come out, and when?" Don't let the worries stop you; just remember that while the absolute worst isn't likely to happen, have some kind of plan in your mind in case it does. You don't take out homeowner's insurance under the assumption that your house WILL burn down, and chances are good that it won't, but you're still better off having it than not.

So what's the plus in all this? Simple. There's a massive weight that will be lifted off of you once the secret is out. Think of that commercial for Advair or whatever COPD medication it is, that has someone with an elephant sitting on top of them hat keeps them from taking in a breath. That secret is less the elephant in the room and it is the elephant sitting on top of you, keeping you from breathing and doing all the normal things that you'd like to be doing. Coming out hasn't significantly altered either my personality or how I live my life in general, but finally, at 50+ years, I have found myself becoming a whole person, with the split pieces of my personality starting to come together into a more integrated person. The struggle really is worth it in the end. Chances are good that you will discover in the coming months that your sexuality isn't the only part of your personality that has been split off and set aside, and in fact, accepting that and allowing it to be part of you may be the key to integrating it all and becoming a much more healthy, secure person. People will notice that. Two co-workers that I came out to over the past several months both commented that they wondered what was going on, because they could see a huge difference in my attitude and level of motivation. I'm happier and more accessible to my kids and the people around me because I'm not in a constant panic that someone might find me out. And I'm not tense and unnerved and stressed the way I was before. It's taken months and I'm still evolving, but it's been a positive change.

Strength and support to both of you, from someone (and not just me, of course, many others here on EC) who has been there and is working through the fallout. There HAS been negative fallout, of course; change generally comes with a price tag. But I can tell you that 8 months after telling my wife, I absolutely, 100% do NOT regret the decision. Life is much better, I am much better, and things keep on getting better. Stay in touch, both of you!

 

Thank you for telling your story. It is a strength and help.

 

Now, come on, CF...you can't leave us with just that!!

Seriously, I hope things are ok, and wish you well for the rest of this process! Best of luck to you!