Ok, here goes. Where to start? Well, I have questions and was hoping some of you might have some answers. My head is exploding with many but I'll try to organize my thoughts to keep things from getting out of hand. I'm an extremely private person so this may be my only foray into the public domain, as it were, and I'm not completely comfortable with all the lingo and labels (when describing myself) so please excuse any euphemisms and unwieldy turns of phrase. So, briefly and in no particular order...I guess I wonder [1] how much questioning and research by reading or watching and analyzing does a person need to do (without any physical contact) before you can, basically, say, "Yeah, I'm not straight"? This literally only started for me a few months ago. But I'm already at a point where I'm like, "Oh! Right. This could be me." It was after watching a tv show with a female couple who were very appealing and thinking "I'd like that". (The characters, not the actresses. I'm not that far gone. ) Never mind the fact that I watched all of the L Word when it came out and never gave it a second thought. Maybe I should mention that I have a very high IQ (not to brag but to paint a picture) but am very dense when it comes to almost all things people-related. Unfortunately, it's not so high that I don't know I'm less than capable in these matters. (Think Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory but not as smart.) I've basically never dated and didn't care. Once, when discussing my sister's desire for a boyfriend, my mom asked if I was interested in meeting a guy. "No." "Girl?" "No". And that was that. No strange feelings. Just back to other topics. And when well-meaning, read "annoying", friends or family suggested setting up my sister on dates, I would think briefly, "hello, I'm standing right here" and then almost just as fast, "phew, thank gawd I dodged that bullet." But now, having done some reading and finding some higher quality videos to watch and learn from, I've come to the conclusion I need to get some real life experience. I'm investigating joining an LGBT-friendly club of "stamp-collectors". (Not the real activity but that's what I'm going with here.) I don't think they're exclusively LGBT - I don't think they can be legally - but [2] if I'm going to meet others in real life, this should be a start, no? From their website "Our mission is to provide a safe and friendly environment for the LGBT community and their friends to enjoy" stamp-collecting. I would be going alone so I can't really pretend I'm somebody's friend. I have a bit of a daymare that when I go, it will be a bit like when I take my dog out and all the other dogs run over to greet and sniff and overwhelm him. As I'm not out, I'm not sure I could handle this very well. Mind you, he's cuter than me and I guess I should be so lucky... [3] This won't happen, right? Please say no. OK, now this other thing. I've been perusing dating sites because, hey, in for a penny, in for a pound. Anyhoo...I think I've decided they couldn't work for me because how a person looks or "reads" doesn't do it for me. I need to hear someone talk to know what they're like. For any situation I'm in, actually. But... while I was doing this, I came across a profile for someone I know! Not well and I'm not her type (if you were going to ask) but it kind of brought me up short. Kind of scary. This is real. (I shall endeavour to keep my cool next time I see her.) [4] Not sure what my question is for this but any comments are welcome. Now, once you've determined this is you, [5] did you actively come out to anyone other than your nearest and dearest or have you just let people discover it if and when they come across you with a mate/date? I have a cousin (half my age, dag-nabbit) who came out about a year ago and as far as I can tell his family didn't blink and when his news reached our family, I know no one in my family did either. Not that anybody knew (well, we didn't) but that it was just like he'd taken up a new hobby like, say, stamp-collecting.) I'm hoping that it will be a non-starter because the people I know and associate with are much the same as my family - more culturally ethnic than religious - we're not actually religious at all, educated, and are a stand-up bunch of people and if they aren't, well, thanks for playing. I don't offend easily so ... OMG. This is getting long. Ok. One last thing. [6] Is it normal to be all this hot-and-bothered quite so much, if you know what I mean? I mean really. What's that all about?? Oh, man. I think I'll go out and lie in the sun for a bit and let my nerves settles down. Thanks for reading!
[1] how much questioning and research by reading or watching and analyzing does a person need to do (without any physical contact) before you can, basically, say, "Yeah, I'm not straight"? There is no set amount of research or exposure to gay culture that a person "needs" to do. Everyone comes to understand their truth, in their own way and in their own time. [2] if I'm going to meet others in real life, this should be a start, no? From their website "Our mission is to provide a safe and friendly environment for the LGBT community and their friends to enjoy" stamp-collecting. I would be going alone so I can't really pretend I'm somebody's friend. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Meeting people in a group setting is a great way to test the waters. LGBT friendly centers are one of the most accepting and positive spaces a person can find. [3] This won't happen, right? Please say no. LOL. LGBT people are not scary or predatory. They won't pounce on you in a frenzy. Don't be silly. [4] Not sure what my question is for this but any comments are welcome. That's not unusual. Some people are initially more attracted to a persons character rather than their looks. [5] did you actively come out to anyone other than your nearest and dearest or have you just let people discover it if and when they come across you with a mate/date? I've personally only come out to 1 family member and 1 close friend. Various therapists know as well. There is no right or wrong way to come out. However, I suggest weighing the risks and only telling people you trust. [6] Is it normal to be all this hot-and-bothered quite so much, if you know what I mean? I mean really. What's that all about?? If you are experiencing a lot of sexual fantasies and are becoming more and more aroused by the same sex, this is one of the tell tale signs that your mind and body are getting ready to come out of the closet. And once again, this is normal.
Hi Really! I loved your post. And generally speaking, you're feeling completely normal. We all have different experiences in life. Some people know at an early age (like your cousin) that they are gay, and others take longer (like you and I). For one reason or another, that's just the way things work. As for the "stamp club" I think it's the BEST way to meet new people. You'll have a common interest and be meeting for that reason - not because there is a hope or intent to find a romantic relationship. Being friends with someone first is best, I think. And if you don't find anyone there as a potential love interest, that won't matter. You'll have new friends - and they will be able to eventually introduce you to other friends, etc. I don't expect they'll overwhelm you. I think most people understand how awkward it can be to show up somewhere for the first time on your own. Don't sweat it. How rowdy can "stamp collectors" really be? As for dating sites, they can be helpful - or not. I don't really know about how women interact online - likely different from men (which is a good thing I think). If you go that route, be clear and honest about what you're looking for and what you're prepared to offer. I think when you're working through something as significant as this in your life, it's good to tell those that you're close to. It sounds like your family will be perfectly fine with your news - and while I know that doesn't make it easy, it makes it easier. Because this is a big deal, and there is naturally going to be fear and aprehension about it. So yes - go out and lie down and take a few deep breaths. It will all be OK. I'm glad you've found us. Take care.
Let me share some of my story with you. i too am pretty smart (probably not as much as you, but I was always a science nerd) but not great with people. From a young age I took to imitating others to try and fit in, which included acting straight. I did have some crushes on boys over the years, but some of those were forced and others were just bizarre. Anyways I will answer your questions and relate them back to my story: [1] when I realized at 24 that I was not straight, it took 2 seconds for it to all make sense followed by a year of overanalyzing everything and researching and looking for clues. So I guess there was basically a gut reaction followed by a period of overthinking, but that gut reaction stuck with me. [2] This is a great way to meet people. First off, you have something to talk about that's not your sexuality, which should put you at ease. Other stamp collectors who just happen to be gay are there for the same reason. When I first came out I joined a womens LGBT group on campus and it was so nervewracking. I thought people would judge me that it took me so long to come out, because they were out since grade school. I thought they wre there to judge me based on looks or push me to do things I wasn't comfortable doing. But they were really friendly and I made a couple good friends there. I just never settled into LGBT life because I was a grad student and they were undergrads. [3] LGBT people will understand, and also not all of them will be out either. They won't out you. Plus, as I said before, yea they're genuinely interested in stamp collecting. And if you run into them around town and they say hi and you're with a friend, you can tell your friend "oh them? i know them from stamp collecting." and it won't be a lie! [4] I hate dating sites. But they're a necessary evil for me since I'm not into the bar scene. However, there are other ways of meeting other LGBT people (i.e. stamp collecting), and you can get to know them as friends and they can introduce you to their friends. It doesn't have to be about dating right away. Just be yourself and collect the shit out of some stamps. BUUT let me say this for dating sites: not everyone there is scary and some people are only looking for friendship and it wouldn't hurt to reach out to someone with the same interests to talk to and see if you connect on some level. There are other people just as anxious about it as you, and there are usually some really smart people on there! [5] I actively came out to my close friends/fam, but to everyone else I came out on a need-to-know basis or just dropped the hint somewhere. You'll find your own pace of coming out, just do what feels right. Since your cousin is also out I doubt your family will take it that terribly (assuming your cousin got a reasonably welcoming reaction). Try telling your cousin first, it might help make things easy. [6] I suspect that like me you were a late bloomer in terms of libido; I didn't feel too horny in high school but now I'm more interested in exploring it. Especially if this is new to you, I think it's totally normal to be hot and bothered by it! (yea i get that stamp collecting isn't actual stamp collecting... )
Thank you all for your helpful and kind replies. (Is it weird that starting this "conversation" has made me a bit shakey? I must remember to check back here only in the evenings as I'd rather my emotions didn't sabotage my whole day.) I actually have had a few brief moments when I thought I could tell my mom but need to prepare myself for a couple of less than optimal outcomes. 1) Awkwardness between us. I have the most relaxed relationship with her of my siblings and would hate to lose that. 2) Her subsequent comments, not said a sotto voce, like, "She looks nice. What about her?" I know, it could be worse but as she's super social and I, alas, am not, I'm not sure how much of that I'm ready for. As for joining the "stamp collectors", I see how it would be the best way to meet new people but I'm a little freaked out by the fact that simply by going there, it's a an unstated coming out because why else would you choose this group and not another? Oh, well. What doesn't kill me and all that. And I do want to improve my "stamp collecting".
The awkwardness will only last as long as you let it. Tell them, get it over with, and then carry on (for the most part) as if you'd never told them. Because it doesn't change anything about your relationship with them. It simply provides them with a little more information about you - information that you've been witholding. If you make a big deal of it, and aren't comfortable talking about it, then other people will take your cue and react the same way. So if you're casual about it, and don't let it affect how you interact with them, then they'll do the same.
Oh my goodness, are you sure your not me?! I've suspected for a while, but ignored the whole deal as unimportant. For research for another sphere I began reading a only few months ago, and suddenly looked back over my life and thought . . . Oh! Right this could be me. I'm stunned by it, because I'm no spring chicken, but am starting to feel more comfortable with it in my head. Yep off to do the same, and i'm only the reader. Thanks for the post!
