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What to do if I am married with kids and figure out that I'm gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jason1998, May 13, 2014.

  1. Jason1998

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    So I have come to the conclusion that I am bisexual. I am sexually attracted to both sexes but slightly more to males.
    My emotional attraction is to both sexes but feel that romantically is women.
    I plan on marrying a female and not telling anybody about my sexuality because I am expected to marry a girl my religion and this is just a big no no. My biggest concern like everyone else in the lgbt later if life section said, is marrying, havin kids, and have you're whole world flipped upside down because you come to the realization that you're actually gay and not bi. I am pretty confident about being bi and hope what I feel now will not change.
    I have not accepted my male side yet but I know it's there. I try to focus on women more.
     
  2. Chip

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    It depends on how much you are attracted to men vs. women. If you are convinced you can be completely happy and totally fulfilled marrying a woman, then marrying a woman makes sense.

    But that isn't what I'm hearing here. What I'm hearing is "I think I like men more, but I'm going to marry a woman because being gay is against my religion. I know I like guys, but I'm unwilling to accept it, so I'm just going to stay in denial and marry a woman and hope my feelings about men will go away."

    And if I'm making that interpretation correctly, that is simply a beyond terrible idea. First, it's disingenuous and grossly unfair to the woman you would be dating/marrying, because she is going to fall in love with you fully and completely, and you (if you have a stronger preference for men than women) will be unable to return the feelings in the same way. How would you feel if someone did that to you?

    Secondly, all you need to do is read a bunch of the threads in the "Later in Life" forum and see dozens of people with broken lives, seriously hurt and emotionally damaged former spouses, a ton of heartache... because these people either completely suppressed who they were and ignored and denied it, or because they knew (as you likely do) what the truth was, but refused to acknowledge and own it, hoping it would go away.

    The lifetime of hurt you would cause to your (future) spouse in doing this would be incredibly selfish. It would be one thing if, as some people are, there's complete denial and a complete lack of awareness about the possibility that you're gay. But you don't have the luxury of being able to claim that. You've admitted that you have this attraction that you're uncomfortable accepting. So marrying someone with that issue unresolved is simply about the most shitty thing one person could do to another.
     
  3. Penpal

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    Hi Jason. I am Bi and have just separated from my husband. For the majority of my marriage I was happy but for the last 4 years we struggled for many reasons. This is when my feelings for women reappeared although i didn't act on them. Once I opened that door there was no stopping the feelings flooding out. My biggest regret is not experiencing this side of me when I was young. That way I would have at least had experience to know if I could take of leave it. Now I'm left without a marriage and with a desire to find out about this side of me. I have children and a divorce to get through. Think carefully before you make a final decision about getting married. When I got married I had absolutely no doubts but when things turn bad that's when it blows up in your face.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Why do you have to figure this out now?!? Maybe the answer is that you shouldn't plan on marrying anyone until you're sure. Wouldn't that solve your current source of anxiety? For the time being, plan on marrying nobody until you're sure.

    All of this is hypothetical - so it seems like you are worrying unneccessarily.
     
  5. Jason1998

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    Hello chip... Again
    I emailed you something please take a look at it......
    I feel that I am attracted to males more, but I feel women much more in the long run such as kids, romantic appeal and just a happy life.

    With males I feel that something big is missing, something that females possess. In addition, although it isn't the biggest reason , it's definitely important, they don't provide kids and I do not feel like I want to adopt.

    Plus with women I am less attracted to them but there is much more I can do with them is the bedroom such as penetrative sex and cuddling. With males, I do not feel like cuddling with them and penetrative anal sex grosses me out.
     
  6. Linux Lenny

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    But even if you are bisexual , you should be honest with your future wife and tell her about your same sex attraction right ?
     
  7. Jason1998

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    I agree but most likely this will end the relationship. For sure I know. That's why I want to keep it a secret
     
  8. Chip

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    So in short, you don't give a fuck about her feelings and what she deserves, and only about your own?
     
  9. Chip

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    wanting a wife for the social aspects and societal acceptance isn't the same as sexual attraction. Wanting to be straight doesn't make you straight. Again, I understand this is really difficult for you to grasp onto because of the religious background and fear of rejection, but just because you want something more than anything doesn't mean it is going to happen.

    I still don't hear you saying anything indicating that you have genuine sexual attraction to women. I hear you saying that you don't want to be gay, that you want to have a wife and kids so you can have a "normal" life. Well... so did every other guy who is gay and who had to work through the process of accepting the loss of their perception as "straight".

    Again, this has nothing to do with sexual orientation, and everything to do with what you want. And unfortunately, wanting to be straight, no matter how much you try, won't make it so.

    But you say you're more attracted to men, so most likely, the discomfort with the idea of cuddling and anal sex is because you're desperately trying to find some rationalization for why you aren't gay. The "gross out" factor is pretty normal for people who are in denial. I think once you get past that, you'll find that your actual attraction to men, in every way, is a lot stronger than your attraction to women. Sorry, but I'm not hearing *anything* that says you're actually sexually attracted to women, only that you *want* to be attracted to women because of all the societal baggage you would have to deal with if you acknowledge being gay.
     
  10. Jason1998

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    Chip, whenever reading my posts I feel that you do not understand me at all. That's why it's so confusing

    This is my sexual attraction to females
    1) I am attracted sexually to women's breasts. They drive me crazy. I want to lick them, kiss them and touch them. That sexually arouses
    ME for sure
    2) in sex scenes, when the male touches the women on te ass or boobs I get extremely horny and come very fast because I know that's what I want to do.
    3) when the lady is on top of the male, grindin I feel very aroused by her body and want to do that as well.
    4) in the movie showgirls, I felt very sexually aroused when she was dancing and when she was acting sexy and touching herself
    5) in lesbian erotica, the only thing I find attractive is when the women kissed her boob ad when they grind. I feel that I don't find lesbian porn as attractive because I can't take the place of anyone because I am a male
    6) I Enjoy fantasizing about sex with women. I am not forcing it, I truly
    Enjoy it. I get erect
    7) yes it takes a little longer to come but not very long. For example it takes 1-2 mins to do it males, it takes 3-4 to females.
    8) I feel that touching a females butt to be very arousing


    What I don't react to is pictures of women on the interne or when women act sexy but in a fake way.


    With males:
    1) love the touch of males (don't really get ariused )and male solo porn as well as gay porn. Gay porn isn't as good as I would like it to be
    2) I can masterbate to fantasies and I get a very soft erection when I see guys in locker room.
    3) oral sounds great with male
    4) anal I never liked even before questioning period
    5) kissing a male doesn't seem right
    6) hugging and kissing and oral are what I look forward to in sex with males
    7) their faces and noises are very arousing



    I think that is attraction to males
     
  11. Chip

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    Jason,

    I've said what I've said, and I base it on your own words and statements, which have been completely consistent throughout all of the 1000000000000 posts you've made on the subject here.

    You say that you genuinely want input from people, but what you really seem to want is input that supports the idea that you're bisexual, can get married, and ignore your attractions toward men. You ain't gonna get that from me.

    Now... I may be dead wrong in my assessment of things. You could be totally straight, or smack in the middle of bisexual, you could get married to a woman and be happy for the rest of your life. But you asked for my opinion, and I offered it. I doubt anything you say is going to change my opinion because the consistency of everything you've said so far is very high, and all (at least in my, possibly completely wrong, interpretation) is consistent with someone who is in denial.

    So... if you're convinced that you're bisexual, I don't see what the issue is, or why you're asking everyone. This is a decision that you, and you alone, must make. No one else is in your head, knows what you think or feel or experience or fantasize about.

    So... if you think you're bisexual, go with it. Don't worry about my opinion or anyone else's. It's your life and your opinion that matters.

    However, I suspect that you really don't believe that, which is likely why you're working so hard to convince everyone that you're really bi and can marry a woman and live happily ever after.

    Basically, this is a no-win situation. You probably aren't going to get the answers from people (at least most people) that you seem to want, no matter how many times, and how many different ways you ask the question. But you don't need anyone else to agree with you. You know your truth. If I'm wrong... then it doesn't matter, because I'm not you, not in your life, and my opinion doesn't matter.

    You might also, as Jim points out, quit worrying about it. It isn't like you're going to get married next week, so the whole conversation is really kind of irrelevant.

    Do what's right for you, but please don't keep trying to ask everyone's opinion and then arguing with them why they're wrong, because that is pointless.
     
  12. Jason1998

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    I understand 150%. I will stop asking questions and go with what I am feeling.
    Just one last question. The last post about the 7-8 reasons why I'm attracted to females, that doesn't seem like sexual attraction to you?
     
  13. Kesha

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    Ok pretend you have three roads middle is bi right is gay and left is straight you want to go to the middle but feel more attraction to the right. where are you now? well I think you might be on the right road because you feel more attracted to the right road. I think you might be worried because your mind is telling you no and your body is telling you yes all I can say is listen to your body you can do the same things romantically with a guy as you could with a girl.
     
  14. Chip

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    Certainly those things sounds like sexual attraction. But you add them to everything else you've said, and it sounds more like rationalization and desperately wanting to be straight than actual authentic feelings. Again, just going on what you've said, and the experiences of other people who have described things in a similar way to how you're describing them.
     
  15. Jason1998

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    So what should I do?

    Yes ik but even from the beginning of my questioning period I never really felt gay. I always felt that there was something with women sexually, not even romantically. I took the kinsey test and got a 2.5 but I feel I'm definitely a 4.
    I think I would be able to sustain a health relationship with a women but what happens if things go wrong? And not even about me having homosexual fantasies, even in a straight relationship things always go wrong.
    Yesterday I was talking to my mom about her marriage (she doesn't know anything about me being bi, and she said that she went through a long period of fighting and struggles with my dad but they managed to pull through)

    Chip, if you don't mind me asking, can you tell me a little bit about you're story
     
  16. Jason1998

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    I just feel that I never explored my sexuality towards females. I told you before questioning all I did it to was towards males. For about 3 years. I didn't think about it at all just did it.
    Tbh, it got kind of boring a few months ago (I started doing it much less)

    In the beginning of my questioning journey, I was a wreck. I had major depression and couldn't eat. I started to explore by watchin lesbian porn but it really wasn't right for me. At the end, porn wasn't really right for me in general. So I started going to YouTube videos, and some I payed more attention to the males but then I found myself looking more at females and taking the place of males because I wanted to do those things to women.

    I also started to reevaluate all of my crushes. Yes there were
    Many males who I found attractive, I don't really consider that a crush. There were also many females I found attractive as well but never fantasizes about them in a sexual way. But now I started to, at first it felt a little
    Forced, but then through all the role play I actually really really enjoyed it. Honestly. I found it really arousing.

    I found that I like a variety of girls- skinny with a pretty face, and then plump with big
    Boobs and a nice butt. I liked the masculinity I felt with fantasizing wth women and I liked the vaginal penetration and kissing of the body. I feel that my attraction to females have definitely increased in these past months.

    As what you were saying before, I know I am not straight and not trying to be, I know I am bisexual but is it enough to be monogamous with women. That I don't know.
    With men I feel that my options are limited in the bedroom - only
    Kissing and oral. As good as that sounds, I would rather do the penetrative sex and anal
    Sex is disgusting even with females .


    The only thing that points me in te gay direction where I feel you are seeing me is :
    Attraction to gay porn instead of lesbian
    Able to masterbate to males bodies faster than females bodies.
     
  17. Jason1998

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    Hi penpal, thank you so much for the advice. I have a few questions to ask you
    I know you have feelings for females as well, that's why you are bi, but do you still have or had emotional and physical feelings for you're husband. And was there anybody In particular out of the females who you fell in love with
     
  18. Ghost93

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    Jason, I don't know if you are bi or gay in denial, but one thing is for certain: you shouldn't get married until you know what your sexuality is.

    If you get married to a woman and later realize that you are gay, or prefer men, how do you think your wife will respond? She will be pissed that you've wasted years of her life and that she can never fully please you. It will likely end in a divorce and she will be justifiably upset. It is not fair to marry a woman to cover up your true sexuality or to appease the "Normal" social standards.

    And i know you want kids, but if it involves lying to a woman (and a potential wife), it is not worth it. If your sexuality is revealed when your kids are teens, your wife probably won't be the only one upset with you. Your kids will also feel upset for being lied to.

    Your feelings are completely understandable and I sympathize with them, but you really need to pause and evaluate your sexuality before rushing into a marriage.
     
  19. Yossarian

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    Jason, you don't resolve your sexuality by getting married; you simply tangle up your wife in your difficulties; if you father children, then you tangle them up in it too. Since you KNOW you have not resolved this question about yourself, that is where you should focus your attention. If you have to try dating men and women to figure it out, then do that, but don't marry ANYONE, male or female, until you have resolved what your long term sexual interest is; there is nothing but trouble for you and your spouse and any resulting kids if you jump into a marriage without knowing for sure that you can put your "other" interest aside for good.
     
  20. jnr183

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    Jason, just one more man echoing everybody else. If I'm not mistaken, you are 15 years old. You have so much life to live and so many things to learn. This is only the beginning and marriage is very far off. Don't worry about it so much.

    I went through similar phases myself when I was a teenager. Without being lewd, when I began masturbating I was always thinking about men and it worried me. I would sometimes force myself to think of women to convince myself I wasn't gay. I would think of Pamela Anderson, if that isn't dating myself too much. And I would think, oh good, I'm not gay.

    The very fact that I needed to convince myself should have been a red flag. The fact that you need to make a list of things you like about women suggests to me you are convincing yourself. It is OK. Take your time and try not to plan the rest of your life. There are many lessons to learn and you often end up in a very different place than you expected. My life has taken many twists and turns I had not foreseen. Really, that's the fun of it. Sit back and relax!