So I am starting to feel like my brain is grasping at straws and bending in all sorts of ways to convince myself that I'm not really gay. The latest logic? I've finally started to embrace being gay. I enjoy going out with the group of friends that knows, accepts, and even lightheartedly pokes fun at me (about how obvious it was), etc. I am starting to like that identity. I like calling myself that. Even moreso, I have intense happiness when I go out with a friend of mine and show public affection for her. We are both interested in each other and have professed the willingness to be with each other if the circumstance was different.... but I'm still married, so no. Still, we often hold hands, cuddle, and are generally "touchy". Being out with her and that group of friends just feels so much like my normal and free and what it could be and I can't keep a smile off of my face. So now, I can't get this thought out of my head that I really just want to be gay so badly that I'm convincing myself that I am. Part of me is terribly frightened that it's true, part of me feels that it would make all of this so much easier and I can just go back to my straight husband now, and the rest of me feels ridiculous for even typing this out because of how obvious it is that it's not true. I've also noticed that the more ridiculous my bargaining gets, the more I'm beginning to detach. I actually fascinate myself. Once the initial panic is over, it's almost like an out-of-body experience. As if I'm observing someone else and I'm interested purely for sociological reasons. My mind is still reeling and my body is still reacting, but I am merely observing it all from an outsiders' perspective. I'm hoping that my ability to detach like that is a good sign, but it's so surreal I can't tell. Anyway, just thought I'd share.
Duude I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks "well maybe this is just wishful thinking, that I just want to be gay! I'm totally straight!" but then all my instincts make me look for girls: I notice them first when I see couples walking down the street, in bars, in movies. When I let myself think about women all of a sudden I do have sexual fantasies (I didn't before). And I definitely questioned a lot when I was younger. But then the doubts creep back in. I don't know why! But I'm pretty sure I know the right answer, I just have to embrace it fully (not as easy as it sounds, but super important for my ability to be happy.) But yea bargaining is a bitch. I've never had the detachment though: that sounds so bizarre! Is it helpful at all?
Hi Valerie, It's great that you're enjoying being gay. Being gay used to mean being happy, maybe that's where it came from. Without doing any kind of research, I'm going to say it is. Because I'm happy too. Do you think you would be as happy with being gay if the lifestyle wasn't exciting? e.g. if it was just like your marriage, but with a woman?
I'm the same way! I always notice the girls first. And my dreams have been sexy as hell since letting go. But anyway, you're right, bargaining is a bitch! I'm glad I'm not the only one that has this bat shit crazy logic. Detaching does help a bit. At first it just confuses me even more, but then I feel like I get through the phase a lot quicker. (I seem to go around and around, so I've been through a fair share of bargaining phases so far.) Since I'm aware that my emotions are based on something that isn't even true, I seem to snap back to reality quicker. I'm hoping that's a sign that bargaining isn't going to hold me back much longer. ---------- Post added 13th May 2014 at 10:36 PM ---------- That's true. I do. I even fantasize about that "boring" married life. Just a couple of nights ago, I had a dream that was so incredibly vivid and laid out an entirely different life, married like I am now, but with a woman. The romance, the sex, the day to day, it ALL felt so natural. Even going out with those friends, half the time we are hanging around doing nothing spectacular at someone's house. The other half, we are at a dive bar just drinking and talking. It's not exactly exciting in the typical sense. It's just exciting to me because I'm not holding anything back. It's truly the only "place" where I don't have to guard myself.
That's great! Sounds like there's little to worry or doubt about then. By the way, I've read several books on "letting go". It really is an amazing, freeing feeling. It's even more exciting when you don't realise you're doing it.
Bargaining is just a sign of intelligence. Your mind looks for ways to challenge itself, and to keep you thinking, and considering. It is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in the sense it, well, does what I had mentioned a little bit ago. A curse in the sense it can cause doubt and frustrations. The thing is, the mind is pretty selfish at times. It only cares about being stimulated, and not so much about how these make you feel. Just rest easy in knowing, most people have bargaining stages in their lives.