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Finally Ended It

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kyllani, May 17, 2014.

  1. Kyllani

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    I've been away from the forums for a while. I know I'm a little younger than some of you, but I felt you guys might understand my situation better.

    Where to begin?

    For a couple of years now I've been questioning my sexuality. I've flip-flopped and gone back and forth and honestly, I'm just tired of trying to label myself.

    Thing is, I've been in a relationship with a man for 6 1/2 years now. He saved my life and has helped me so far on the path of becoming who I want to be. He is the best gaming partner and friend a girl can ask for...but our sex life was never good, and as the years go on, I find my mind and eyes straying. Almost always to women. So for longer than I care to admit, I've been contemplating leaving him.

    I've been in therapy for a year, working my way through college as best as I can. This semester, though...I couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped going to class, stopped getting out of bed, stopped going to therapy, started lying a lot...I just shut down and couldn't take life anymore.

    Last night, I couldn't take it anymore. He basically accused me of cheating on him because I decided to wear a skirt and some makeup to a friend's house. We talked for hours...I broke up with him. I told him the truth about everything, all the anguish over my sexuality...the fact that I don't want to be 45 and married with kids before I take what I really want in life.

    So, it's over and I'm not sure how to feel. On one hand, I'm relieved and I'm glad I don't have to hide my feelings anymore. On the other hand, my heart feels broken. I can see the pain in his eyes every time I look at him.

    Also, I'm terrified for the future. I have a lot of mental health problems and developed addiction problems in my teens. Because of the two, I didn't work for years. I've been in school trying to make amends for my past and make a future for myself, but I've really messed it up. I have until the end of June to find a job or move out. Sounds easy enough, but the panic attacks I keep having tell me otherwise.

    I'm not okay.
     
  2. Penpal

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    (*hug*) Bless you, you are very brave and have done the right thing. You are right to not want to do this later in life when there are children involved. Obviously you are having a really tough time and the panic attacks will be due to all the stress. Are you seeing a doctor over them? Have you got any family that can help you until you are strong enough to work? You could do with some support around you.
     
  3. Sig

    Sig
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    What a hard time for you. Words seem so inadequate in the face of such anxiety, but hopefully the hardest part is over, and from here, eventually, life will be better than ever for you.
    My favourite phrase: "This too will pass."
    Wishing you the best.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. Kyllani

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    I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. I haven't seen her much recently because I've been withdrawing into myself. My psychiatrist also retired so I switched doctors, and the new one switched up my meds. So I'm just not functioning properly as it is.

    As far as family goes...I'm gonna talk to my great aunt. She's really the only one I might be able to go to. I cut my parents out of my life around a year ago. They're super religious, super conservative bigots and I'm a left of the fence, tree-hugging, lesbian-leaning, agnostic type. So, we don't really get along. The idea of moving back in with them...well, it literally gives me nightmares. A few times a week for years.

    I have a friend with a job opportunity for me, but it's...waaaaay out of my comfort zone and the pay is kind of unreliable. So I'm looking for other options. I live in a decent sized city; there's gotta be something I can do...someone that will take a chance and hire me. At least, one can hope.

    I dunno how I feel today. The panic attacks aren't coming, but neither is the hope.

    It'll all be worth it in the end, right? There is light outside of the closet, right?
     
  5. Penpal

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    I'm still quite closeted I'm afraid but I hear it is much better to be out. I'm working on it. It's a shame about your parents, they have lost their child and I can't even imagine anything make me turn my back on mine. I hope your Aunt can help you and that your friend is supportive. You need to spend time with supportive people. You have taken a big step in the right direction. You are one step closer to having a happy life although it doesn't seem like it right now. X