Open marriage?

This exact question is something that's been raised here, so I'm also interested in other peoples experiences.

 

Don't think that would work for either us. My wife deserves a chance for true love. For me, I have come to understand over the past few months that being gay is much more than the need for physical or even emotional intimacy with a man. My depression started early this year not with a need for those things, but simply a need to scream at the top of my lungs that I am gay. Its more of a need to identify as gay and start to live like a gay person including volunteering for LGBT organizations, meeting gay friends and such. I think an open relationship just addresses the need for physical intimacy. I do know some gay men in open relationships with their wives. The wives allow them to have gay sex as long as they don't become emotionally involved. It does not seem to work for them as well.

 

Well I don't want to be physical with my wife but being friends is something I am working on

I don't think open marriage works tbh. There are to many if buts and maybes IMO

 

It would depend on all the individuals involved. I personally couldn't do it as I can't have a physical relationship with someone I'm not emotionally connected to. If I am connected to them in that way and they are with me then surely it would end in tears if there were other people in the relationship. However just because it's not for me doesn't mean it doesn't work for others. I have read stories where people are happily living in an open marriage. Are you able to discuss this with your husband?

 

I don't think open marriages work a lot of the times when it comes to sexuality. Sometimes people can have happy open marriages, but It's something you needs to discuss. If you're only really interested in women, you pretty much can't have the same connection with a man.

 

Doesn't open marriages kind of defeat the point of marriage?

It's almost like a contradiction in terms.

Happy days

 

I've heard cases where open marriage work, and many more where they fail. I would definitely work with a marriage counselor on pursuing this.

But my question here is what's the difference (say, in his mind) between you're married but not having sex but having sex with whoever outside the marriage, and you're divorced, not having sex and having sex with whoever outside the marriage? In the one case he feels he can maintain friendship, but in the other case he doesn't feel he can? What is the distinction?

It feels just a bit like either he or possibly both of you aren't really thinking through how you'd feel in that situation. Do either of you feel as if you'd be able to develop a sexual relationship outside your marriage and not have feelings for that person? Maybe you could...I'm just asking, to hear whether you've thought about it. What if you did develop feelings for a woman you were having sex with...or if he did...how would that affect your friendship inside the marriage? Would the marriage last beyond that...or might it just get ugly because it now involves another person?

Just questions. I'm not assuming any answers here. But I think these are questions to raise with a therapist/marriage counselor.

---------- Post added 18th May 2014 at 06:28 PM ----------

Only if you see the point of marriage as sexual ownership. I for one don't.

 

I would not stay the only reason I would see people staying if they want to appear straight or for their family's approval . I rather be my true self so I wouldn't stay . Plus if i had a husband i wouldn't be doing sex with him anymore just my girlfriend plus it's not fair to my girlfriend or husband if I did this . He should be with someone that wants all of him
but a good friendship is ok :icon_bigg

 

Seeing that your spouse already seems to have difficulty to keep it friendly after divorce, I'm rather doubtful if he could adjust in an open marriage, which is more binding than a divorce. And in which he might not have the full freedoms of being divorced & still stuck with the obligations of being married. And I assume you mean an open marriage for you , that your husband still stays with you and you have another partner but he doesn't.

It really depends on him, see some people are done with the whole love/marriage thing by a certain age, they are not interested in new relationships and happy 'single' yet married. The only way it might work if he doesn't have any needs to be met by you. As in he's 'single' and your in a lesbian couple. As soon as there are expectations from you making it a three way relationship it will be much much harder for him to stay.

Now in general I think it might be possible to have an open marriage but well you can't call it a marriage anymore, see I think if someone stipulates the boundaries of an open relationship and each new partner of eitherspouse (i.e. needs being met by others) can agree with the situation it could be possible although will take some work.

There are marriages that are practically over in the sense of love and open to others but the spouses stay together for other reasons i.e. Used to a certain lifestyle, Just used to each other for so long, Still friends etc. I mean let's face it divorce is tedious & expensive and unless there is a prospect of settling down with a new partner it's financially prudent to stay married. (Am being really practical here)

 

Having sex with women probly wouldn't cause an issue, but what happens if you happen to find a woman you fall in love with? That's where the trouble enters into the arrangement you are thinking about making with your hubby. It doesn't make much sense to me that he's willing to let you be with women but can't be your friend if you divorce him. He's basically saying he's only willing to be your friend as long as you stay married to him. That isn't friendship, in my opinion.

 

May I ask how long ago you came out to him? I came out to my husband over a year ago and he said the same thing in the beginning, that we couldn't be friends if we divorced. It really scared me at the time because he is my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without him. He doesn't say that anymore. We've talked a lot about it and now we both agree that we want to remain friends no matter what. I don't know if we will stay together, he doesn't think we will. Anyway, I want to let you know this because I think our situations are very similar. Your husband may just need more time to adjust and when he does he may change his mind. It's an emotional rollercoaster in the beginning.

I think the idea of an open marriage is problematic, for many of the reasons already mentioned. We considered it briefly...I think we would both end up feeling jealous. I don't know...

 

Open relationships seem to work best when they're agreed to as a positive thing for both people. To wit, both people are accepting and perhaps even encouraging, not something they agree to as the "lesser of all evils". For instance, I know a bisexual man who is married to a woman, and their marriage is not only open, but he has something of a regular boyfriend. But his girlfriend is by all accounts very accepting and encouraging of that set-up. If she weren't, I doubt they'd still be together.

Lex

 

I do hope that its possible, as that's what I would like to have..
Im married, but consider myself gay, with bisexual tendencies, (rather than str with bi tendencies) I would love to also have a boyfriend, with whom I can have beers, smokes laughs and sex with. I dont want NSA sex,(better than nothing though) although the wife may accept me if I did, she does not think she could accept a bf. But hope to indulge in threesomes, with her also enjoying the fun, that way we would be sharing the experience. But will it ever come to fruition? Having already been through the not wanting sex with her, but getting overthat, I think I could make it work, if had someone who was prepared to have a relationship with me, a married (with 4kids) man.
Ideally, they could do some washing up and other chores with the wife, and they both await my arrival home with hunger..hmm. Nice dream.
The wife admits she would dribble everywhere, if she was watching me have sex with a man, and that its a major turn on, so it will happen just you see!
Love love me

 

Hi Valerie247 ; I’m 54, married for 26 years, no kids, slowly realised and accepted I was gay over the last 10 years, and after a few months on this website found the strength and support to come out to my wife.

I came out to my wife just over a year ago and we are still together. We decided to try an open marriage where she agreed to me meeting and having sex with guys but not forming a long term relationship. I explained, and she seemed to appreciate, that even though our marriage was now sexless she still loved me for everything else I am so why break it up. She would not be losing sex or sharing that part of me with anyone else man or woman, and since we don’t have sex now you would not be at any health risk even though it would be my intention to only play safe.

She wants me to find another local married gay guy in a similar situation to reduce the risk of becoming attached (this is known as a closed loop relationship), and I don’t want to get involved with a closeted married man, I want to be open and honest. It could also be beneficial to our wives to have someone in the same boat to talk to. The only snag is there are plenty of married gay guys in the area but I seem to be the only one who is honest and out to their wife. Even if I did find another out married gay guy I have agreed with my wife that I would not bring a guy home for sex in our marriage bed, and I guess he may have a similar arrangement with his wife.

I am beginning to think that the better option would perhaps be to have a “friends with benefits” arrangement with a gay couple in a strong LTR who occasionally have threesomes or some sort of open relationship. I have just made contact with a guy in a polyamorous triple relationship and I hope to gain his perspective on workable alternative relationships in particular how the jealousy issues are faced and any “house rules” that have been beneficial.

All this was well in theory but now the hard part. Having been completely open and honest with my wife about being gay and having been given permission to play outside the marriage I now feel guilty and that it would be cheating to meet up with guys for sex. This feeling of cheating has stopped me trying to make friends with gay guys in case it gets physical; this has really had a bad impact on my development as a gay guy. I am now just as frustrated as I ever was, if not more so, and starting to slip back into depression.

My urge for sex has gone through the roof since coming out and I have a massive intimacy deficit to catch up on in order to bring some balance to my life, but out of respect for my wife I’ve not gone out to play and this is very unhealthy. I am now seriously addicted to porn as my only outlet and can spend 4 or 5 hours a day searching the porn studios for new free content, strangely I don’t seem to be satisfied by porn I already have on my computer, I like new stuff, it’s like the thrill of the chase. This porn habit is seriously impacting my work but still I persist, it’s all I can think about 24/7. Strangely before I came out whilst I did look at porn it was never to the extent that it interfered with my life.

For now I’m just stuck in limbo but I guess that once I get out there and have some intimacy with guys that my addiction/dependence to porn will reduce. It may be that I have to settle for single guys who are not looking for a LTR, the only snag is that most of the guys not looking for LTR are too young for me. I am also not sure now if just a ”friends with benefits” arrangement, that my wife said she would be ok with, will be sufficient for my needs. The more I read the more I want to be waking up next to a guy and not just a few fours fun every now and then.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Oh ye gods, but I love this expression, and feel such a sense of connection to it...I think I am going to marry it!

 

Thanks biAnnika

It’s a rather delicate subject but those seemed the best words to politely describe it, after all we are sensual beings in need of nourishment to keep our life in balance.

 

This is what I was thinking too. If your husband has made that kind of statement - how do you expect him to react when you're dating someone else and you're still married? It doesn't make sense.

Personally, it wouldn't have worked for me or my wife. My husband's ex wife had suggested that kind of arrangement for them. He could have his 'fun' on Friday nights but otherwise he'd remain with her. It sounds rediculous, and I think that was just her in the 'bargaining' phase of grief. It would take a very special couple to make that kind of situation work.