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how to stop loathing what I am

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tobegay, May 18, 2014.

  1. tobegay

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    Hi all.

    Is there a way to cope with being a female gay (lesbian)?

    I loath what I am. I am ashamed. I feel like a failure and damaged person.
    It feels like I couldn't have the decency to be a 'normal straight person'.

    Even though I was born and raised a Christian, I don't believe in what I was raised as.

    I don't know if I was born as gay, or if I became gay.
    This last is due to the fact that I have been sexually abused by men in the family, at a very young age.

    So I keep doubting myself: was I born this way, or did my bad experiences with men destroy my ability to be attracted to them? It shouldn't matter. The result in life is the same.
    It's just my self doubt and disgust with myself, that I keep looking for reasons outside of myself.

    I only know that I always longed to paint and draw women. I think a lot of them are just gorgeous and can get me aroused. Men, on the other hand are simply not attractive to me.
    I can love them as a friend. But nothing more.

    Being gay isn't bad, evil or disgusting. It's just that I feel that way about myself, if that makes any sense.

    Hopefully I won't offend anyone with what I wrote.
    I am just an emotional turmoil.

    Love from me.
     
  2. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Welcome tobegay! (*hug*)
    Longing to paint women and the fact you find them gorgeous and are aroused by them, I think is who you are. Gay.
    Yes abuse can make you not want to be with men sexually due to PTSD but it does not make you gay.
    You need to separate the shame over your childhood sexual abuse from your sexuality. You need to find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse/incest.
    You are NOT damaged. You are a survivor! And yes what you wrote makes sense.
    Thank you for sharing your story. (*hug*)
     
    #2 Rose27, May 18, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2014
  3. pinklov3ly

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    I think Rose has given you some excellent advice and I agree that you're dealing with two separate issues here. The fact that you're gay and the trauma from the abuse that you have experienced. I'm not sure why a lot of people believe that something "bad" must have happened to those who like the same sex, but that is simply not true. And I think once you seek help for the abuse you will start to feel better about yourself.
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, May 18, 2014
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  4. Penpal

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    Counselling is a good idea, I agree with Rose. Don't give yourself a hard time, my counsellor has helped me come to terms with who I am. I'm not out to many people yet but I'm not ashamed of who I am. It's more about being worried about losing people through it that bothers me. You have been through a lot that no one should have to deal with and as others have said you need to try and separate the issues. Things will get better, you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. You just need a little support along the way. (*hug*)
     
  5. Radioactive Bi

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    I think an important step is to reflect on yourself and see that you are a good person. Also, you need to understand that regardless of your orientation, there is nothing wrong with who you like and want to be with.

    If you are really struggling, then as mentioned above, seeking help is a good idea and there is no shame in that.

    I hope everything works out for you...

    Happy days :slight_smile:
     
  6. wanderinggirl

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    When I was coming out, I felt ashamed because I was an ally, and yet I didn't want to be queer myself. I felt bad for having such a hard time with it, when I was supposedly openminded and liberal and actively accepting of other peoples' sexualities.

    First, realize you're still the same person. Then realize that there's nothing wrong with being gay. Third, realize that it's not a choice, but that even if it were, you should have the freedom to live in whatever way you want and that's a wonderful thing.

    If you are still dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse, please seek help. It's probably not related to being gay or not, but its something that you should talk through regardless. Best of luck to you.
     
  7. tobegay

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    I was so sure, that having PTSD andcthe resulting turn off toward males, allso implied that I became gay.
    Apparently it doesn't. If I understand it correctly, I must have been born gay and the abuse only intensified my preference for women. Because a dislike for men, doesn't imply a love and arousal for woman.
    Otherwise I would have been a-sexual, probably.

    Thanks for helping me to solve this problem. I have a clear answer now.

    As for the therapy that several responders advised, I've recently started therapy with a lady who specialises in complex PTSS. We get along well. But we're just starting.

    You are all, probably also right about the idea that my self loathing stems from the abuse, instead of my being gay. I need to do some soul searching and fond out my feelings.

    Thank you all, for taking the time to read and offer your thoughts.
    It's a great help.
     
    #7 tobegay, May 18, 2014
    Last edited: May 18, 2014
  8. Rose27

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    PTSD from sexual abuse I know from experience. The more you talk about and acknowledge the abuse the less power it has over you.
    It's great you have found a good therapist. Therapy is hard but be courageous and you will feel so much better. Give your self time to heal. (*hug*)
     
  9. tobegay

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    Thank you Rose. It helps to hear, that there is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
    I'm sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience: you deserve better.

    I don't know how to look at myself in the mirror and like who I see.
    But, when (not if!) I do, I'm gonna celebrate that day as my new birthday.
    For I'm fighting for a new life, in which I can create my own happiness and love.

    All the light and strength to you.
     
  10. White Knight

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    Healing from abuse I think starts with accepting you were a child and has nearly no power or knowledge to stop abuser.

    Being a gay follow similar steps, once you accept what you are and it is normal to be this way, everything gets better. To me being gay not different from being from different color, race, religion or speaking different language.

    Gays are neither devils nor angels. We are just as human as everyone on this planet. At the end of each day what you did with what God gave you is matter.

    So stop worrying and try to start loving yourself. If you can't love yourself, no one ever will.

    Hugs.
     
  11. Sig

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    Oh, tobegay, I so want to give you a hug (*hug*) Please despise what happened to you, and the person(s) who did it, but celebrate who you are. On your coming birthday, look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are, and be proud. And keep coming to EC for support and friendship while you grow.
    The only thing wrong with being gay is what other people say is wrong with it, and they know nothing but their own fears.

    :kiss:
     
  12. Egan

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    Hi ToBeGay. You deserve a huge hug! You are a survivor and should be proud of yourself! I can't comment about the abuse side of things (except to say that it is disgusting that anyone can abuse another human being. Makes me sick!), but what I can say is that from my personal experience, I also felt shame due to being gay. I am in my mid 30s and am only now starting to accept who I am. You probably find it is a mix of both that you are struggling with: The abuse and the fact that you are gay. But I do not believe you can become gay (just my opinion). I think being gay is who you actually are. But coming to terms with that, thanks to society, can be difficult. I was also raised very religious but have totally pushed religion away in my later life, because I am starting to realise now that it is preaching against what I am. And that is gay. Try not beat yourself up about it (Easier said than done, I know). Give it time. Some of us take longer to accept that we are gay than others. And it is difficult. But that is also fine. Try and love who you are. And I agree with the others here: Maybe go speak to someone regarding the sexual abuse. Big hugs girl! Egan (A gay man just starting to come to terms with it). I am proud of you for surviving and fighting!